Day 1 – Diary of a Wimpy Vagina

The Wimpy Vagina

Day one.

I sometimes pee in the shower. The truth. This record of my vagina repair mission is going to be as honest as I can possibly bear. Please consider my opening line to be my attempt at starting as I mean to continue.

I had my last kid five years ago. My vagina innards have been slightly falling out since then. I knew it was damaged straight away but I thought it would heal, naturally. Back to the peeing in the shower. Instead of it running down my legs like it should (nom nom) it was coming out on an angle. As if I had a tiny penis. This hasn’t changed and is a constant reminder that there’s been a shift. The plus side to this is that I’m going to use that as a measurement of success as I try to resolve my escapee

I hate scheduled (and unscheduled) exercise, even when it could solve a problem for me. Four years and ten months ago I bought Hab-It and watched it once. It looked amazing and exactly what I needed. Then I forgot about it because I had a squealing new baby, stuff to do and sleep to be had.

There have been many attempts to get people to look at my vagina and tell me for sure if I had a problem, but it just never happened. Either we ran out of time, got side-tracked or I just felt awkward about asking again. Over this 5 year period, I’ve had an IUD put in, three or so smears, four professionals (two doctors and two gynaecologists) attempt to find my IUD and remove it, two radiologists ‘wand’ my vagina, another gynaecologist eventually locate and remove my IUD, and finally (recently) a nurse gave me the worst smear experience. Ever. It was even worse than the time with a creepy doctor who got way too handsy. Shudder.

It started okay: she wanted to know if she could smear me in the side-lay position, you know, knees up. I said can we just do it the ‘normal’ way please. She said okay, it would be good practice (my confidence in her was waning). We begin with the graceful feet together, knees apart, spotlight. She cranks me open with the speculum and swabs around. All is well. Then I asked, ‘hey could you just tell me what you think about my vagina? I think I’ve had a minor prolapse’. She said ‘sure’, spreads
my lips and asks me to cough. ‘Oh yes, you definitely have a prolapse’. Then ‘Oh now I can see why I couldn’t get a very good swab. I’m just going to take another one now’.

I’ve always hated the speculum experience, but in the next two seconds my perspective changed. She (without the crank) sliced the swab thing (which seemed to have a very weird, wide part on it) right on up my vagina and swabbed it all about (you do the hokey pokey… ). FUCK ME! It was so painful. I jumped. ‘Oh sorry about that, it’s over now’.

I hope you enjoyed the long way here because all of that led me to this moment. Last night I re-purchased the Hab-it program online and did my first session today.

The lift and holds (kegel type thing) felt easy to start with, but they end up making your pelvis feel like your knees do when descending stairs after a lot of exercise. Weird, and I wanted it to be over. The video is old fashioned but plain and easy to follow. I like that you don’t have to have any fancy gear, just a cushion and chair so far.

I felt ugly as I lay on the floor, clicking my arse cheeks and heels together (which is harder than you think) like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, post-children. As I lay on my back, squeezing a cushion between my knees, my cat climbed over me and it somehow made the situation even sadder. A broken vagina, cat lady, weakly crushing a cushion while I watched some kind of 90’s ‘Save The Cervix’ video. But then I thought, it could be worse. I could be not trying at all and that only leaves
me as a cat lady with a drooping cervix.

I’ll be back.

Read Day 2