Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Aunt Vadge,
My boyfriend wants me to get a Hollywood wax.
I do shave and make sure everything is as smooth and clean as possible for him when I can, minus the odd razor bump and ingrown hair, but even when I have just spent an hour shaving for him, he still suggests waxing because oral sex is uncomfortable for him.
The feminist in me tells me I shouldn’t change my body for anyone, but if it makes him more comfortable, should it be considered?
He’s only asking because it would feel better for him, and maybe the stubble wouldn’t rub or hurt his face? It would be different if he were asking just because he preferred the way it looked or something superficial.
But him saying this a couple of times recently has made me feel undesirable, and now that I know he’d much prefer me to be fully waxed, if he starts to go down on me I feel uncomfortable and he senses that, and it stops me from climaxing because I know he’s not enjoying it that much. Which makes it worse for the both of us!
He even said, I quote: ‘I would happily spend hours down there if you were waxed’. I’ve never felt uncomfortable like this and it has really upset me, and I am nervous to book a Brazilian or Hollywood as I’ve never had one done before! Help!
Yours,
Feminist
Dearest Feminist,
First, the important bit: this is your body, and you don’t owe anyone a particular hair style – not your boyfriend, not the feminist in your head, not me. So let’s take the pressure off and look at what’s actually going on, because there’s a practical thing hiding underneath all the feelings.
The problem is stubble, not you
The discomfort he’s describing is almost certainly stubble. Shaving cuts the hair off bluntly at the skin, so it grows back sharp within a day or two – prickly on his face, and not that comfortable for you either (hello razor bumps and ingrown hairs). So the friction he’s noticing isn’t really about how much hair you have. It’s about the sharp regrowth that shaving creates.
Your options – all of them yours to pick
- Grow it out a little and keep it soft. Hair that’s trimmed short but not shaved is soft, not prickly, and it protects the skin during sex. Free, and no stubble.
- Trim, don’t shave. A cheap trimmer or scissors keeps things short without the sharp regrowth.
- Wax, if you like it bare. It stays smooth longer than shaving with no daily stubble – but as something you choose because you want it, not a demand you’re complying with.
Any of those solves his comfort problem. The difference is that you’d be choosing based on what you want your own body to feel like.
The part that matters more than the hair
You said his comments have made you feel undesirable, to the point you can’t relax when he goes down on you. That’s worth saying to him out loud. Something like: ‘When you keep bringing up waxing, it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, and now I can’t enjoy this.’ That’s a completely fair thing to tell a partner, and a good one will care about that far more than about your bikini line.
You’re every bit as feminist as you were yesterday. Do what makes your own body feel good, tell him how his words landed, and let the hair be a footnote.
Love,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information and not a substitute for personalised advice. There’s no right or wrong choice here – only the one that’s yours to make.
