Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Hi Aunt Vadge,
So I’ve started having sex and run into a problem. I seem to have got tears at the bottom of my vagina, near my perineum, at least going by what I’ve read here. It started with stinging pain during sex – enough that after I orgasmed it hurt too much to put pressure on the area for him to finish inside me (we’ve been using condoms).
I thought maybe I was too dry after orgasming (though I was plenty wet before), so we used some pH-balanced lube, and god, that just made it worse! As soon as I was touched, it started stinging.
I had a Bartholin cyst a little while ago and used sitz baths to get rid of it, though it only actually ‘popped’ earlier this week – so it was still there, very small, when I was having sex. Could that have been a contributor? He wasn’t being rough, especially first entering.
I’m worried maybe I’m just too small for comfortable sex? I thought the pain had healed, but it’s back a week later, this time for no good reason – I haven’t had sex since, or even used more than one finger inside myself. Sorry for any TMI, and thank you. Please advise!
Sincerely,
Frustrated
Canada, age 21
Hi there Frustrated,
You’ve worked most of this out yourself. The posterior fourchette – the spot at the bottom of the vaginal opening, near the perineum – is the likely tear site, and it’s being aggravated by both the sex and the Bartholin’s cyst, which sits in the same area. The fact that pain comes on even without sex tells us the cyst is still part of the story: a healthy posterior fourchette shouldn’t split open unprovoked. Fourchette tears in this area are a very ordinary early-sex complaint we help people through, so you’re in good company.
Your cyst only drained a week ago and was still there, small, during sex, so there was probably a little wound that the sex disturbed – or a mix of a simple tear plus cyst pain and inflammation. A cyst is skin doing something it wasn’t designed to do, and that almost always hurts.
On the worry that you’re ‘too tight’: there’s usually no such thing. Your body adapts very well to sex, and the fact that you’ve enjoyed it and orgasmed is evidence enough of that. So set that fear aside.
Condoms are worth a mention. Latex can pinch and burn – if you’ve ever messed about with rubber gloves you’ll know the feeling – and that gets much worse once you’ve dried out after orgasm. Add that to a sore cyst area and you have yourself a small, painful problem quite quickly. Good-quality condoms plus staying properly lubricated the whole way through make a real difference. We do dry up after orgasm (the wetness is there to prepare for sex, then it fades), so your own lubrication often isn’t enough to the very end.
I’d try a silicone-based lube and see how it compares with water-based. It’s much smoother, a little goes a long way, and it tends to be gentler on sore skin. Some ‘pH-balanced’ water-based lubes still contain ingredients that sting damaged tissue, which may be exactly what happened to you – it’s worth knowing that many over-the-counter lubes and moisturisers contain contact allergens.1
The big behavioural tip: stop the moment you feel that burn or any discomfort. Add lube, switch to getting each other off another way, or pause – don’t push through. Pleasure can mask pain, so it’s easy to ignore, but managing your skin during sex is how you avoid these little wounds in the first place.
Alongside that, get the cyst properly sorted and irritate the area as little as possible. It’s worth keeping close tabs on it – take photos and note your tearing symptoms – so you can see whether the pain tracks the tear or the cyst. That’s really useful information.
Let everything heal fully before sex again. Our guide on how to care for cuts and tears walks you through it, and Delicate Cuts Cream can help a genuine fourchette tear settle and heal. Once it’s all healed, try again, stay well lubricated to the end, and see how different it feels.
If the pain and tearing keep happening when there’s no sign of the cyst at all, that’s the point to be examined by someone who knows vaginas well, to check for any small anatomical differences. These can be tiny and go unnoticed until you start having sex, and then they hurt and bleed and nobody knows why – so it’s a useful thing to rule out.
Write anytime.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
- Kennedy CE, Yeh PT, Li J, Gonsalves L, Narasimhan M. Lubricants for the promotion of sexual health and well-being: a systematic review. Sexual and Reproductive Health Matters. 2022;30(1):2044198.
