Aunt Vadge: my partner just wants to finger me and try to make me squirt, but I hate it

Hi Aunt Vadge, 

I have been married three times. — mother of three.  One of my marriages ended in divorce — became widowed with the other two. Have just ended a relationship.

My partner is fascinated with female ejaculation and the act of fingering the vagina. He has erectile dysfunction. The only way he can orgasm is by performing finger manipulation on a woman. He is thrilled by female ejaculation. 

He wanted to give me mind-blowing orgasms to make me happy. This in turn would make him happy. Ironically, his efforts to make me happy drove us apart. I had never heard of finger manipulation of the g-spot. He encouraged me to watch lesbian porn and to masturbate myself by stimulating my g-spot with my fingers and with a vibrator.

Initially, the thought of fingers in my vagina was a turnoff — remembering vaginal exams, finger checking for dilation during childbirth and bladder exams. I tried to get him interested in other things, specifically oral sex for both of us. This worked to a degree, but he continually pressured me to allow the fingering.

We managed to insert his partially erect penis into my vagina. He liked that — but still kept pressuring for the finger sex. So, I tried masturbating, watched porn, had a pelvic exam — and allowed him to try. 

I was very tense — felt like I was being molested. It didn’t feel good — it made me feel like I had to pee. He kept wanting to try more and more different ways — it became a wedge between us. I began to dread going into the bedroom, and he was losing interest.

He spends a lot of time watching porn. I felt that he wanted to duplicate the porn activity with me. Even though we have a strong physical attraction — he loves my body, I am in very good physical shape.

He is older, but also in good shape. Honestly, none of my three husbands ever tried putting their fingers in my vagina.

My current guy finds this hard to believe. My previous partners performed vaginal and oral sex. And some role-playing and a lot of massaging and pampering. I just had to show up — no pressure to do anything specific. It was all good.

My conclusion was that we were sexually incompatible. I view sex as a wonderful expression of love. He views it as a wonderful feeling of satisfaction from the result of one particular sexual activity. I feel sad about this and wonder if I will face this problem again. Would appreciate your comments.

United States, Age 61 


Dear Perturbed,

Thanks for your letter. There is a disconnect between what he wants and what you want, creating a vacuum in your relationship. You want to express your love and have it expressed back, and he wants to fingerbang you until you squirt and he gets off.

This is, as you rightly suggest, an incompatibility because you don’t like the one thing that gets him off. This could result in you feeling rejected, pressured, and wanting to back away.

For some people, porn can start to interfere with a person’s ability to engage in mutually satisfying, intimate sexual experiences with another person and can be both the cause of, and the result of, erectile dysfunction.

Porn can also interfere with our expectations of our partners, so when you say you think he wants to recreate porn with you, you may well be right – porn doesn’t tend towards intimacy, it is usually not full of expressions of love, nor does it often present a female perspective. Porn is impersonal, often wildly inaccurate, and often set up for male sexual cues, not female sexual cues.

(For more information on male and female sexual cues and to understand what you are doing, and what he’s doing, read A Billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam.)

He seems to want your sexual satisfaction, but he’s not picking up what you’re putting down: you don’t want his version of sexual satisfaction. You want your version. You want to be seen and loved and made love to, and all he appears to want – or respond to – is fingering you. This feels like a rejection of you.

Your expectations and ideas about sex

Both of you feeling sexually satisfied is important, but if you just don’t like fingering, then that’s ok, you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to like it. It’s important that he is sexually satisfied as well – this isn’t a one-way street – but if the only thing that actually sexually satisfies him is fingering and squirting, you’ve got a problem that may be best solved with a sex therapist.

Get help to explore your sexuality, and communicate with your husband better. It could be amazing!

Aunt Vadge

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