Hi Aunt Vadge,
I have been married three times. — mother of three. One of my marriages ended in divorce — became widowed with the other two. Have just ended a relationship. My partner is fascinated with female ejaculation and the act of fingering the vagina. He has erectile dysfunction. The only way he can orgasm is by performing finger manipulation on a woman. He is thrilled by female ejaculation. He wanted to give me mind blowing orgasms to make me happy. This in turn would make him happy.
Ironically, his efforts to make me happy drove us apart. I had never heard of finger manipulation of the g-spot. He encouraged me to watch lesbian porn and to masturbate myself by stimulating my g-spot with my fingers and with a vibrator. Initially, the thought of fingers in my vagina was a turnoff — remembering vaginal exams, finger checking for dilation during childbirth and bladder exams. I tried to get him interested in other things, specifically oral sex for both of us. This worked to a degree, but he continually pressured me to allow the fingering.
We managed to insert his partially erect penis into my vagina. He liked that — but still kept pressuring for the finger sex. So, I tried masturbating, watched porn, had a pelvic exam — and allowed him to try. I was very tense — felt like I was being molested. It didn’t feel good — it made me feel like I had to pee. He kept wanting to try more and more different ways — it became a wedge between us. I began to dread going into the bedroom, and he was losing interest.
He spends a lot of time watching porn. I felt that he wanted to duplicate the porn activity with me. Even though we have a strong physical attraction — he loves my body, I am in very good physical shape. He is older, but also in good shape. Honestly, none of my three husbands ever tried putting their fingers in my vagina. My current guy finds this hard to believe. My previous partners performed vaginal and oral sex. And some role playing and a lot of massaging and pampering. I just had to show up — no pressure to do anything specific. It was all good.
My conclusion was that we were sexually incompatible. I view sex as wonderful expression of love. He views it as a wonderful feeling of satisfaction from the result of one particular sexual activity. I feel sad about this and wonder if I will face this problem again. Would appreciate your comments.
United States, Age 61
Thanks for your letter.
There is a disconnect between what he wants and what you want that has created a vacuum in your relationship – you want to express your love and have it expressed back at you, and he wants to fingerbang you until you squirt and then he gets off. This is, as you rightly suggest, an incompatibility, because you don’t like the one thing that gets him off. This could result in you feeling rejected, pressured, and wanting to back away.
Porn can start to interfere with a person’s ability to engage in mutually satisfying, intimate sexual experiences with another person, for sure. It can be both the cause of, and result of, erectile dysfunction. Porn can also interfere with our expectations of our partners, so when you say you think he wants to recreate porn with you, you may well be right – porn is not intimate, it is not full of expressions of love, nor does it often present a female perspective. It’s impersonal, often wildly inaccurate, and set up for male sexual cues, not female sexual cues. (For more information on male and female sexual cues and to understand what you are doing, and what he’s doing, read A Billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam – you will learn brilliant things about human sexual desire and sexual cues. This is my latest favourite book.)
What happens when porn becomes a bigger influence than perhaps it should is when it feels as if your partner stops seeing you as the goddess that you are, and instead tries to make you the goddess of his porn fantasies. This can feel like a rejection of you by your partner, and understandably you would reject this, since at no point does it feel like love. You want to be seen and loved and made love to, and all he appears to want – or respond to – is fingering you.
The g-spot fingerer
While it seems that you have been trying to get amongst it, I can really see how him just wanting to fingerbang you all the time in the hopes that you would squirt would quickly get tiresome. It’s boring on a good day. The whole g-spot thing (female prostate, Skene’s glands) has been around since the 70s, but it’s only really recently that it’s become a ‘thing’ where ‘ordinary women’ (i.e. not porn stars) are being asked, cajoled and penetrated from various angles in a vain attempt to try to elicit the unicorn-like female ejaculation. We definitely have porn to thank for this.
Female ejaculation is mistakenly believed to be some kind of pinnacle of female pleasure, which is why it is a male sexual cue (if he can get you to squirt, it means he’s made it as a man and you’ll never want another lover as long as you live). Commonly stated, rarely true… “I made her squirt” (actually she made her squirt). Men believe that if a woman ejaculates, they have done something so unbelievably special they deserve a prize, however the truth is that most women are anatomically unable (or it is very difficult) to ejaculate (read the female prostate article for more information about this). Amongst the women who can squirt, they report that it happens all the time and it is, generally, involuntary. It is also separate from orgasm, in the same way that a man’s ejaculation is in fact separate (though commonly found together) from his orgasm.
I know from experience that having your g-spot fiddled with to try to make it ‘work’ can be quite uncomfortable, and makes you feel like you need to pee. This is normal, and actually part of the cajoling process, though many of us never get past that point because it feels weird (and there is a bit of pressure, since our men-friends are all equally fascinated with it, so it ends up feeling like something we are trying for their benefit, not ours) and it’s uncomfortable if you are not really turned on and don’t understand the process you must go through. Getting probed in an attempt to make us feel so good we squirt with pleasure is usually gone about in a very funny way that doesn’t elicit sexual feelings at all. You are not alone there.
Female ejaculation is really not the kind of thing that you can make happen through sheer force of come-hither g-spot stimulations, despite what he or you might read or see in the movies. Most women will never squirt, and nor do they care to. It is no surprise that your partner’s obsession with it is making you feel more separate from him than ever. He is using your pleasure as his pleasure, and it doesn’t seem to matter if you even feel pleasure for him to get off, which puts a lot of pressure on you to perform so as not to disappoint. He is relying on you to give him what he needs regardless of what you need, again, separating you from the loving experience you are after.
Your expectations and ideas about sex
If you see sex as an expression of love, then feeling separated by your partner’s apparently incompatible desires is going to have a really negative impact on your relationship. It seems that if your partner can’t learn that you just aren’t into fingerbanging and g-spots, then you are right to have escaped, because if that’s all that gets him off without exception, the relationship was doomed from the start. Both of you feeling sexually satisfied is important, and if after giving it a try, you just don’t like fingering, then that’s just that. You don’t have to like it. It’s important that he is sexually satisfied as well – this isn’t a one-way street – but if the only thing that actually sexually satisfies him is fingering and squirting, he probably needs to find someone who is able to squirt on demand and loves being fingered. (Good luck to him.) Or, he can try to expand his repertoire to incorporate other activities that you like. (Easier said than done, but doable.)
What I am curious about is the fact that you haven’t ever been fingered before! The Aunt Vadge board is absolutely full of fingerbanging stories, and it’s possibly generational or cultural, but all the cool kids are doing it, and so far as I knew, men young and old are very keen to get their dirty little mitts into as many vaginas as they can. Regardless, the use of fingers, palms and sometimes whole hands is not uncommon in sexual practice, though not everyone likes it and most people aren’t naturally adept at it.
Fingering is definitely one of those things that men tend to think women like (despite them mostly being very bad at it), and if you read even a fraction of the other Aunt Vadge fingering stories, young ladies are getting damaged in the process. So, you are not alone. Fingering is actually advanced sex, and it isn’t something you just do to someone without them liking it.
You usually need to teach someone how to touch you before fingering is pleasurable, and understanding the subtleties of nonverbal feedback from the person you are touching is essential. There are of course exceptions – I’ve had plenty of good fingering in my time, but it has been very, very dependent on the state of my arousal. If I am extremely turned-on, my partner could do anything to me and I’d love it. If I’m not really that turned-on and he is trying to turn me on, fingering can feel a bit like molesting. What works one day doesn’t usually work the next with women, which is confusing for men, who can usually be touched in more or less the same way every day of the week and it works like a charm.
The only way to the other side of this confusing sexual situation is plenty of talking, and often taking sexual activity off the table for a bit so you can really connect as a couple – as two humans who care about each other, who care about making each other happy, and a commitment to the end-goal of a satisfying relationship in all facets.
To solve this, some form of sex therapy could be really useful, but also delving into tantra, where the energetics of sex and you both as energetic, soulful beings means it’s hard to just get disappointingly fingered by someone very intently focused on their own orgasm. You’re too busy being connected to someone you care about and feeling pleasure, sensuality and closeness for it to be selfish. There are options for solving these types of relationship quandaries, but your partner would have to be willing to pursue it with you as a team, so you can both really understand the true nature of his one-track sexual mind and your desire for a loving sexual experience. Understanding and communication and delving is the only way to the other side.
Will you come across this again?
We have no way of knowing what is going on with your partner (why does he like fingering so much? what’s his fascination with g-spots? what’s up with his ED?), but I think you’ll find any number of gentlemen out there with a wide variety of sexual preferences and desires. It’s safe to say that you will bump into men who suit you more, and less, as you enter into new relationships. This particular combination, I think, you’d be hard-pressed to bump into too often. You will find men who like fingering and dressing up as babies and butt-fucking and foot fetishes and blow-jobs and nipple clamps and doing it in the dark and a million other things, but one who is as obsessed with fingering as your partner? Improbable within your sphere. You could go online and find whole fingering societies, I’m sure, but I feel comfortable saying it would be uncanny bad luck to find another man with ED who only liked finger fucking you for squirting purposes.
Fingering is common, so I’d probably expect that from most men. I have never had a partner who didn’t do it (in fact it was the first thing that ever ‘happened to me’ sexually as a teenager), however if you don’t like it, you can veto it – you’re the boss. Keep in mind that what you describe sounds extreme – it shouldn’t feel like a pelvic exam or being molested! It should feel good, and sometimes it’s wildly good – done properly. Done badly it is comically bad. I am not sure what your partner was doing to you for such horrors to be the outcome (except not listening to your desires), but perhaps it’s just something you don’t like and should feel comfortable avoiding until further notice.
Ultimately, you may be better off finding a partner who was more into the stuff you’re into – you can’t fight these battles for long until it’s just time to find someone else who does what you like, and vice versa. Choose your battles. Good sex shouldn’t be a fight, but if you believe in the relationship and are willing to fight for it, go for it.
Thanks again for writing – this is a really interesting letter, and we had much discussion here in the office! Hopefully we have offered you some food for thought.
Write again anytime.