Aunt Vadge: am I wrong to want vaginal intercourse?

Hi Aunt Vadge, 

Can you tell me am I being cruel or within my rights to want vaginal sexual intercourse only instead of submitting to performing oral sex on my fiance when it is sickening to me?

He actually has diabetes (and probably mental hangups about penis/vagina insertion) and uses digital insertion.

He says I am not all in by not gifting him with oral sex and that he can’t trust me because I don’t want to do it. By the way I tried and find it humiliating.

Yours,
Humiliated
Age 72, USA
____

Dear Humiliated,

Thank you for reaching out. It’s clear that you’re dealing with a complex emotional landscape right now, navigating issues of trust, desire, and personal boundaries within your relationship. These matters are indeed delicate and require thoughtful consideration.

First and foremost, you have every right to express your comfort and boundaries in your sexual life. Intimacy is a two-way street that requires the consent and enjoyment of both parties involved. If you find a particular act humiliating or uncomfortable, you shouldn’t feel obligated to engage in it, regardless of your partner’s expectations or wishes. A loving partner would never want you to feel humiliated or coerced in any form of intimacy.

It seems there’s a communication gap in your relationship that’s causing not just sexual but also emotional dissatisfaction. Your fiance’s suggestion that your unwillingness to perform oral sex reflects a lack of trust or commitment is emotionally manipulative. Such manipulation is not the foundation for a healthy, loving relationship.

Since diabetes and age can bring about their own set of complications to one’s sexual health and function, it’s important that both of you approach this topic with sensitivity, patience, and openness. Discuss openly what each of you finds pleasurable and satisfying while also addressing any physical limitations you may have. If traditional intercourse is not an option, perhaps you can explore other avenues that are mutually satisfying.

To get to the root of these issues, have you considered couples counselling? It could offer a neutral ground where both of you can openly express your thoughts and feelings without judgment. If shame or humiliation is a recurring theme in your relationship, as your email suggests, then addressing that under professional guidance might be beneficial for both of you.

You might also find Brene Brown’s talks on vulnerability and shame to be insightful. They could provide you with some tools to discuss these complex emotions and situations more openly with your fiance.

In the end, it’s about mutual respect, love, and finding a balanced way to fulfil each other’s needs without sacrificing your own well-being or self-respect. Can you both find a middle ground that meets your needs for intimacy, both physical and emotional? It might be a hard question to answer, but it’s crucial for the longevity and health of your relationship.

You’re never too old to seek the love and respect you deserve. Feel free to write again; I’m here for you.

Warmest and best regards,
Aunt Vadge



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