Not wanting to give oral sex: are you within your rights?

Author: Aunt Vadge
Qualified Naturopath | BHSc(N)

Last reviewed: July 4, 2026

Hi Aunt Vadge,

Can you tell me, am I being cruel or within my rights to want vaginal intercourse only, instead of submitting to performing oral sex on my fiancé when it is sickening to me?

He actually has diabetes (and probably mental hangups about penis/vagina insertion) and uses digital insertion. He says I am not all in by not gifting him with oral sex, and that he can’t trust me because I don’t want to do it. By the way, I tried, and I find it humiliating.

Yours,
Humiliated
Age 72, USA

Dear Humiliated,

Let’s clear this up straight away: you are well within your rights, and you are not being cruel. Wanting intercourse and not wanting to give oral sex is a perfectly reasonable position, and it’s yours to hold. Nobody is obliged to perform a particular sex act, ever, no matter who they are with or how long they have been together.

Oral sex is not compulsory. Plenty of people never do it and still have warm, happy, active sex lives. If it makes you feel sick and humiliated, that is a very good reason not to do it, and it needs no more justification than that.

The part I would gently push back on is your fiancé’s line that you are ‘not all in’ and that he ‘can’t trust you’ because of this. That turns one specific act into a loyalty test, and it isn’t a fair one. Trust in a relationship isn’t measured by whether one person will do a sex act the other likes but they don’t. A partner who loves you doesn’t want you doing anything in bed that leaves you feeling degraded.

His diabetes may well be part of the picture. Diabetes can quietly affect sexual function and sensation over time, and the digital insertion he uses may be his way around that. That is worth him talking over with his own doctor if it bothers him, but it is his to sort out, and it isn’t something you fix by offering up oral sex you don’t want to give.

So where does that leave the two of you? Ideally, a calm conversation about what you both actually enjoy and where your limits sit. There is usually plenty of common ground once the pressure is off. If shame and ‘you owe me this’ keep creeping in, a few sessions with a couples counsellor or sex therapist can help you work through the trust and communication side properly, with someone neutral in the room. You might also like Brené Brown’s talk on shame and vulnerability as a way in to those conversations.

You are never too old to expect love and respect in the bedroom, and to have your no taken seriously. Write again any time.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

This is general information and not a substitute for personalised medical advice.