Aunt Vadge: fingering questions – will I bleed again? Should I use lube?

Hi Aunt Vadge,

Me and my boyfriend were fooling around a couple of weeks ago, with him fingering me and me giving him a handjob. We are thinking of doing it again tomorrow, but I want to ask a few questions first.

 1) How long should we wait between fingerings? (The last time was two weeks ago.)

2) Last time when he fingered me it was painful. That might have been because he rubbed my vagina too hard. Two days later I was bleeding from my vagina, which might have been my hymen tearing. I was ok after that. Is it possible that I will bleed again?

3) Should he insert his fingers?

4) Before inserting should I tell him to apply lotion or something?

5) This month on the 3rd I should get my period. Will my period come late due to fingering?

Please Aunt Vadge, give me some solutions to my questions as soon as possible! I will be awaiting your response.

Sincerely,

Concerned Fingeree

____________

Dear Concerned Fingeree,

Thank you for your email. To answer your questions directly:

1) Being touched by a man shouldn’t ever cause bleeding; it should feel good. If you feel sore or bleed after fingering, then your boyfriend and you must adjust your practices so that no damage is ever done. When he touches your body with his hands, penis, a sex toy or his mouth, it should feel wonderful, and therefore you can do it as often as you want to. There are no rules, except no damage! No bleeding! No pain! 

Please both read this article on how to pleasure a woman with your fingers, and also the article on how to give a woman oral sex. It seems like you could use a new activity that is more gentle than fingering. Fingering is advanced sex, not for beginners, and you may never really enjoy it. Try oral sex, learn how to stimulate your clitoris, kiss and touch a lot, dry hump, and try other ways to enjoy each other’s bodies. 

2) He did rub your vagina too hard, and it may also have been your hymen. If your boyfriend rubs your vagina too hard, it will bleed, so don’t let him rub it too hard! If your hymen broke, it won’t happen again, however since you are both beginners at this sex thing, be gentle, go slow and always talk about how it feels good – if it doesn’t feel good, try something else or stop for a while.

3) He can insert his fingers, but there are so many better activities than being fingered! Trust me. Get him to use his tongue on your vagina and clitoris – you’ll like it much more. The article linked to above contains very clear and explicit instructions on how to do it right, so get him to read the article twice, then go through the instructions together. Practice. Take your time and go slow.

4) You will want to keep a tube of high-quality water-based lubricant next to the bed to use when needed – you need lube if you are going to use condoms too, so prepare for any eventuality by having the lube handy. To choose the right lube, see our article about choosing the best lubricant. You can always use lubricant if you want to, and it often – when you are learning – can be really useful, as being highly aroused all the time is difficult when you don’t know what you’re doing.

Any time the vagina is dry, however, keep in mind that it can be because you are not turned on properly, as when you are turned on, your vagina produces its own lubricant. If you are not turned on, then your boyfriend and you both need to get you turned on. You should never be putting anything into your vagina when it is dry and not turned on, because when it is aroused, your vagina fills with blood and creates a sort of cushion, and it protects it. A dry, unturned-on vagina is prone to being damaged by poking fingers. Stimulate your clitoris, kiss more, touch his body – no fingering!

5) Fingering and sex cannot bring on or alter your period or menstrual cycle in any way.

Warmest regards,

Aunt Vadge

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.
Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

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