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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I have premature ejaculation, sometimes within a second of starting. My wife has a large clitoris, and she likes me to stimulate her with the tip of my penis first. Once her clitoris has swollen she wants me to enter, but by then I’m already ejaculating as soon as I’m inside. How do I work through this?
Yours,
Keen Pleaser, age 42, Kenya
Dear Keen Pleaser,
Thanks for your email. Penises aren’t really our speciality here at My Vagina, but yours is a common problem and a very solvable one, so let me point you in a useful direction. There are two parts to sort out: your own response, and how you and your wife get her there. They’re easier tackled separately.
The premature ejaculation itself
Premature ejaculation is mostly a nervous-system response. Anxiety, over-excitement, low mood, some medications and a bit of performance pressure can all feed it, and it tends to snowball – a small worry becomes a bigger one once you’re watching for it. The good news is that it responds well to patience, practice and taking the pressure off.
The most effective thing you can do costs nothing: take penetration off the table completely for a while, with your wife’s agreement – say three months. Removing the exact moment you’re anxious about breaks the cycle, and you can retrain your response with simple ‘start-stop’ practice (build up arousal, pause before the point of no return, let it settle, repeat). Many men find their control improves a lot with this alone.
If you can access them where you are, a few kinds of support can help too:
- A doctor or urologist, to rule out any physical cause
- A counsellor, psychologist or sex therapist, if anxiety or stress is underneath it
- Free guides and men’s forums online, where plenty of men share what worked for them
Getting rid of the shame around it is half the battle. Shame and fear are not aphrodisiacs; being relaxed and willing to learn is.
Getting your wife there without penetration
Here’s the freeing part: penetration is not the only good sex, and for lots of women it isn’t even the main event. While you’re retraining, get really good at the rest – your mouth, your fingers, taking your time. Our guides on cunnilingus, using your hands and sex more broadly are a good place to start, and reading them together helps you both stay on the same page.
If a good-quality sex toy is affordable and available to you, it can be a useful stand-in for penetration while you practise – but it’s an optional extra, not a requirement, and none of the fundamentals cost a cent. Some men feel threatened by the idea; don’t. Anything that helps you both enjoy sex without pressure is a win, not a replacement for you.
The thread running through all of this is communication. Talk openly with your wife, make her part of the solution, and treat it as a project you’re doing together rather than a fault of yours. Give it time – progress, not miracles – and you’ll get there.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice. If the problem persists, a doctor or urologist can check for any physical cause.
