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Hi Aunt Vadge,
My girlfriend and I are thinking about having sex. We’re both virgins, and I don’t want to hurt her. Will she be in a lot of pain? I need some advice.
Sincerely,
Curious
Dear Curious,
Lovely that your first instinct is your girlfriend’s comfort – that’s the right starting point, and it already makes you a thoughtful partner. There’s a more useful way to think about this than just “how do I make penetration not hurt.”
The biggest thing is that you don’t have to jump to penetrative sex at all. Rushing straight there is the single most common reason first times hurt. There’s a whole world of being sexual together that doesn’t involve penetration – kissing, touching, exploring each other’s bodies with your hands and mouths, and taking your time to learn what each of you enjoys.
That kind of play is pressure-free, it can’t get anyone pregnant, and it’s exactly how you both build the comfort and trust that make any later step feel good rather than frightening. There’s truly no reason to be in a hurry to reach penetration, and plenty of good reasons not to.
When penetration does come into it, what makes it hurt or not is mostly arousal and relaxation. A body that’s properly turned on and unhurried softens, opens and makes its own lubrication; a tense, rushed one doesn’t, and that’s when it’s painful. Slow is the whole secret – and there’s no clock on it.
Consent matters just as much as comfort: check she actually wants to, at every step, with zero pressure either way – and you get to say what you do and don’t want, too. Asking “are you okay, do you want to keep going?” isn’t awkward, it’s part of good sex. And if anything hurts or feels wrong for either of you, stop – pain is a signal, not something to push through.
When you do have penetrative sex, use a condom every time: it protects against both pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, both of which are real and both easily prevented. That part isn’t worth winging.
For the proper practical details – contraception, STIs, what’s normal – the best place isn’t a website but a trusted adult you can talk to, or a young people’s sexual health clinic, which is free, confidential and completely used to these questions. They won’t judge you, and they’re a brilliant resource.
So: no rush, plenty you can enjoy together without penetration, go slow and stay tuned in to each other, protection when you go further, and a clinic for the practical info. Looking after her like this is the good stuff.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised advice. A trusted adult or a sexual health service is the best place for personal questions about contraception and staying safe.
