Overcoming Vaginal Tightness: Tips & Guidance

Hi Aunt Vadge,

I’m in my late 20’s and a virgin. I finger myself, but I don’t go deep, well, actually, I am not able to go deep. So half of my finger goes inside. I am comfortable with two fingers as well. Sometimes it’s pleasurable, but mostly not.

I want to have sex but I feel my vagina is too tight, and even if I do try, it gets painful, and we stop (penetration with a penis).

I am always very wet, whenever I finger myself. I have been fingering myself for a week now, but I fail to understand how deep can I go, and how to gain confidence to take a step further.

I don’t really feel pain after fingering. I’m just very aroused. I have a very loving partner, but I need direction.

What am I doing wrong?

And how long is the wait, do you think, before I can enjoy a sex life with my partner? I just need guidance as to how to do it. Do you think I can now try with a toy?

Thanks so much,
Deeper
_____

Hi Deeper,

Thanks for your email. Sounds like you are having a tough time getting into your vagina, which sometimes happens when you are first starting out.

The vagina is a very stretchy part of your body, and when you are fully aroused, it tends to want to open up a bit more than usual. Getting to know your body and figuring out how it works is a process – you’ll work it out, and here are a few tips to get you started.

Masturbate at home by yourself and try inserting larger toys or items gently, and see how you go by yourself. It can be tough to be in the moment with another person and find it tricky to penetrate, so work it out on your own steam.
Use plenty of lube.
Go and get examined by a doctor to make sure there are no impediments in your vaginal canal.

Is it the hymen?

Your hymen will be long gone if you can put two fingers in up to the second knuckle – your hymen is quite close to the vaginal opening, though it’s possible part of it remains – check the diagrams.

You don’t mention if you can use tampons or if a doctor has ever examined your cervix or vagina, so maybe an appointment could clarify things.

Could something be wrong?

If you think maybe something isn’t right in your vagina, for example, you have a blockage of some kind, it is advisable to visit your local sexual health clinic (there should be a free one around) and ask to be examined. If something is to be found, it should be very easy to spot.

The medical name for an impenetrable vagina is vaginismus, but it is not a disease – it is often the result of psychological hindrances triggered by past events or tight pelvic floor muscles.

Other ways to help open you up

If you feel out of your depth, or just want some help resolving it in a holistic and healthy fashion, you could try:

EFT/NLP therapy to retrain your brain and body.
Meditating to relax – find guided meditations in a free app that offers ten free guided mediations called Headspace.
See a counsellor to deal with any past abuses or traumas that could be holding you back.
Visit an osteopath or pelvic floor physiotherapist to check your muscles and bone position (incorrect/poor posture can cause the wrong muscles to tighten).
Find a specialised sexual therapist who can help figure out the problem.

Or all of the above! Your problem seems very solvable, so go forth and try it all.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge