Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Hi Aunt Vadge,
I’m a 28-year-old virgin. Last night I let my boyfriend finger me and it felt like pressure. I have never touched myself before, or used tampons. I got used to the pressure after a while, but as he got a tiny bit deeper it felt like excruciating pain – and he told me he was just on the outside, not even on the inside.
He told me I’m not supposed to be so sensitive and that there’s something wrong with me. Why does it hurt so much?
Sincerely, Miss Sensitive
Dear Miss Sensitive,
First things first: there is almost certainly nothing wrong with you, and your boyfriend is not the expert on your body that he thinks he is. When something has never been inside before and it hurts near the entrance, the usual reasons are simply that you weren’t aroused and lubricated enough yet, that the opening and the tissue are tight and unused to it, and quite possibly that your hymen is still there. None of that is a fault – it is a body that hasn’t done this before being asked to, a bit too fast.
Your hymen may still be there
If it really did hurt while he was still on the outside, a hymen that is still intact is a very likely part of the picture. It can stretch or give as you get used to gentle, well-lubricated touch over time – there is no need to force anything.
Arousal and lubrication do most of the work
Your vulva is built to be touched once you are properly turned on – swollen, relaxed and wet – not before. Rushing to ‘deeper’ before your body is ready is the single most common reason it hurts. Slow right down, use a good lubricant, and let arousal build first. There is more on all of this in pain after fingering – is it normal?
When it’s worth seeing a doctor
If pain keeps happening even when you are aroused, gentle and well lubricated, or if your body clamps shut and won’t let anything in, that is worth having checked – it can point to vaginismus (an involuntary tightening) or vulvodynia (a pain condition), both of which are real, common and treatable. A rare anatomical difference can also make entry painful. We are a naturopathic clinic and don’t examine internally, so a persistent problem goes to your GP, a sexual-health clinic or a pelvic-floor physiotherapist.
In our clinic, this kind of ‘it hurts and my partner says I’m too sensitive’ story is common, and it almost always comes down to going too fast without enough arousal, not anything being broken. Be gentle with yourself, take the pressure off, and there’s no rush to reach any particular milestone.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
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