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Hi Aunt Vadge,
Last week my boyfriend and I had sex and I ended up with a vaginal tear. We’ve been sexually active about six months and have a history of sexual issues – each time, I’d end up with a small cut between my vaginal opening and urethra, or a bladder infection, sometimes both.
I now know the cause of the UTIs thanks to my supportive mom. Sex has, apart from once, always hurt, but I didn’t have the courage to tell my boyfriend because I was afraid to disappoint him. Last week I broke down during sex and we tried to find a solution; we worked out what we were doing wrong.
But after a rough, emotionally tiring week I was impatient and we tried again two days ago, without thinking about the small tear – and it hurt again and we couldn’t really do it.
Yours,
Hurting
Dear Hurting,
First, please be kind to yourself – you’ve been having painful sex for six months while afraid to speak up, and finally breaking down and telling your boyfriend is brave, not a failure. And you’ve already done the most important thing: you found what you were doing wrong, which means this is fixable.
The pattern you describe – a small cut between your vaginal opening and urethra each time, plus recurring bladder infections – is a classic, recognisable one: that little spot at the entrance is tearing because penetration is happening before you’re fully aroused and relaxed, and the same friction and the same area being irritated is exactly what nudges bacteria into the urethra and gives you the UTIs.
So the key now is to let it heal and not rush it. You tore again two days ago partly because you went back to it before the first tear had closed, while you were exhausted and emotionally wrung out – and a fresh tear on top of an unhealed one just deepens the problem.
So give it a proper, complete rest from penetration until everything has fully healed (a couple of weeks, longer if it’s sore), keep it clean with plain water, and only return to sex when you’re relaxed, properly aroused, well-lubricated and actually want to, with you setting the depth and pace.
Wee straight after sex every time to flush out the UTI-causing bacteria. If, once you’re doing all that, the same spot keeps splitting, it’s worth a doctor or vulval clinic checking for a recurrent fissure or a fragile-tissue cause, and a pelvic-floor physiotherapist is brilliant if tension has crept in from months of bracing for pain.
You’re not broken and you haven’t ruined anything – you’ve just been going too fast for your body, and now you know. Take the pressure off, let it heal, and it gets much better.
For soothing and healing minor cuts and tears, here’s how to deal with cuts and tears from fingering and rough sex.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
