Aunt Vadge: Why did sex work the first time, but was impossible the second?

Hey Aunt Vadge, 

I recently had sex with my boyfriend. It took us a long time ’til he could finally enter me and to be honest I didn’t really enjoy it. But I saw how happy he was and I didn’t expect to feel super awesome for my first time, so we wanted to try again the next day. 

But it didn’t work. No matter how much I relaxed and how slow and careful he was he couldn’t enter me. It was as if I was too tight. As if there was a spot he just couldn’t pass. I was in a lot of pain so eventually we stopped. I got super frustrated and kinda scared.

Is something wrong with me? Why did it work the first time but when we did it again it hurt so much? I’m a bit scared to be honest.

Your truly
Confused and Frustrated,

Age: 16
Country/Area: Germany

Hi there Confused and Frustrated,

In my opinion, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you at all. Let’s work through some stuff to put your mind at ease, hey?

One of the main problems we’ll be focusing on is the point where you say you didn’t really enjoy it. I think this is probably where the inability to open up the next day is lying. Our vagina is a sensitive little lady. She really likes to feel safe, nurtured and respected, and sometimes she is easily spooked. When this happens, she quickly contracts, and basically shuts up shop until she starts to feel safe again. I think that your trepidation, worry, pain, and feelings of not really enjoying it the first time might have something to do with it. In order to combat this, let’s look at some strategies to help your vagina start to feel safe, and pleasurable again.

Firstly, you need to make a deal with your partner. When you say stop, pause, or not right now, that’s respected. Respecting your communications in sex is the most important factor in beginning to open your vagina.

Let’s also look at lubrication: an incredibly important part of sex.

The vagina is self-lubricating. When you’re turned on (this can be from really sexy talking, touching, licking, kissing, stroking, looking at sexy pictures or anything that floats your boat really) your vagina will start to get wet. This is the its way of creating a smooth journey for the penis (or fingers or toys or whatever) to enter. Friction is therefore minimised, reducing scenarios for pain. Sometimes, simply being turned on isn’t enough and lubricants work wonders. Keep some handy while you are trying out sex, and aren’t necessarily super turned on (or in your case, turned on at all, it seems).

Second, when relaxed, the vagina opens and closes with ease. That’s how babies come out, and it’s how penis’ or fingers go in and out without issue. When relaxed, the vagina is very malleable. The main thing to do when beginning sex, is to make sure you’re really relaxed. Start with things that you know you really enjoy. Maybe kissing, licking, oral sex or fingering. These are great pathways to use when working your way up to sex. If you’re enjoying these activities with your partner, try using a lot of lubrication on the penis and the vagina and try just dipping the tip of the penis in at the entrance of the vagina. You can very slowly dip the penis in inch by inch, removing it if it becomes uncomfortable.

Things to remember:

  • Sex is a slow process.
  • You want to be relaxed, turned on and wet to significantly reduce the chance of feeling pain.
  • No amount of lube is too much lube. The more lube, the easier the penis will glide in and out.
  • Don’t be afraid to pause with your boyfriend’s penis just a little bit inside you.
  • Your vagina may need some time to get used to having something inside it.
  • Once it feels ok having that little bit inside, try inching a little bit deeper.
  • Don’t be afraid to mix up positions as well. It might be easier you being on top, as that way you have control over how far the penis goes in, and when to take it out.
  • Sex is always supposed to feel good, and if it doesn’t, you are both doing something wrong! Keep trying different things to find things that do feel good, instead of just tolerating things that feel bad because your boyfriend seems to like them.
  • Remember that your boyfriend is only going to like sex with you if you like sex with him. Sex is not something you give to him; it’s something you enjoy together, so start learning about what feels good, and don’t accept pain and suffering as your lot. Teach your boyfriend how to be a good lover! And in the process, become one yourself. Talk talk talk.

Learning about sex takes time. Sometimes the pressure of ‘liking sex’ can be a bit too much and it ruins it. Combine this with the fact that you don’t actually know what you like yet, and you have a bad time on your hands – but, you are the boss of your good or bad time, so take charge and don’t accept the pain. Don’t beat yourself up for it not being like the movies, they never show the lube, the tricky angles and the embarrassed laughter.

It helps to be silly – these things are meant to be fun, and the sillier you are about the process, the more relaxed your vagina will be and the less likely it is to be painful. Just make a rule that you won’t accept pain or discomfort, and you can always find a solution to your sexual conundrum. Forget about how much your boyfriend likes it for now, and work on you liking it. He will be much obliged, I’m sure.

There really is nothing wrong with you, these thoughts are very normal. Nobody is born knowing how to have good sex – it takes all of us a lifetime to figure it out. You are at the very start! Being scared is entirely normal, but don’t let it define your experience.

Write anytime.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.
Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

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