Aunt Vadge: we’re newly married and can’t figure out how to make sex feel good

Hello Aunt Vadge, 

I am a 27-year-old male. My height is 5’9″ and I weigh 78 kg. I got married in June 2017, and  I am the first guy in my wife’s life. She is also the first woman in my life and both of us never had physical relationship ever before. After lots of struggles, with respect to sex positions, finally we had intercourse in September. And second intercourse was the next day. Later on, even after trying different positions, we couldn’t have intercourse till now.

I haven’t masturbated, not even once before marriage. Now, when my wife gives me a handjob, I enjoy it and cum. 

We have also tried penetration a lot of times, but the moment I come close to her, I lose my erection, which may be because of pain in my forearms when I try the cat position. When I finger my wife, she enjoys it, but the gel which sticks to my fingers makes me uncomfortable and ultimately I lose my erection. 

Sometimes when I am about to have intercourse, either my penis or her vagina smells and I lose concentration. While having intercourse, I am able to penetrate, but I dont get pleasure – maybe because the in-and-out movement we do while inserting may not be proper. Can you please suggest ideas to solve this problem.

Please suggest the best position to have intercourse.

Yours,
Perplexed
Age: 27
Country/Area: India

Dear Perplexed,

You are both so new to sex, so you have quite a few new things to learn about. The first and most important item on the list is learning what feels good and what is sexy. You have a long, luxurious road ahead of you, learning how to make your wife orgasm, and her learning how to do the same for you. A handjob is a good start!

I’ll address each of the topics in your email separately.

Being turned on

You mention being distracted by smells, getting sore arms, and losing your concentration. You both seem to be missing an important element here, which is actually being turned on! This needs to happen before you try to have sex, but it can take a bit of learning to see what turns you both on – individually.

The value of masturbation is that you learn what turns you on, but the fact that you haven’t masturbated before may mean that your beliefs about masturbation prevent you from engaging. You and your wife have a lot of learning to do, and having some solo activity is usually really important – and much easier – than asking someone with completely different body parts to do it for you, at least at the start. That way you can then tell the other person what you already know you like, instead of having them fumble around without having any clue what it feels like.

There are some games you can play to help you familiarise yourself with each other and what you both like. Take penetrative sex off the menu – that will come in good time. What you need to do is figure out what feels good. A good and fun game to play is one where you get a two-player game (any game will do – simple and fast, and a game of chance is good) where whoever wins that round gets 30 seconds to a minute (you guys decide on a number) of touching of their choice, from the loser. So if you lose, your wife can say, “I want you to lick my nipples” or “I want you to lick up the inside of my thighs” or “I want you to rub your penis on my clitoris”, and you have to obey the rules and follow her instructions for the time limit.

You will soon learn what she likes, and vice versa, so when it comes to later, you have some ideas about how to touch each other.

The mind is your greatest sexual tool and so learning how to tap into the things that turn you both on is the key to your happy sex life. At this point it seems like neither of you knows, and the only way to figure it out is to expose yourself to different sexual ideas. You don’t seem like you would have had much exposure to sexual images (pornography, nude photography, naked bodies, horny people), but you do have the internet, and you and your wife might really enjoy reading some dirty stories to each other.

It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on when you lose your erections, but I can guarantee you that when you are really turned on, your erection will stick around. You will think her vaginal juices and the smells of your sex are delicious, and when you put your penis in her vagina, it will feel good.

     Understanding your anatomy

I was once told a story by a naturopath colleague who worked in a fertility clinic. She had been trying for over a year to help an Indian couple get pregnant. After finding nothing at all wrong with either of them, she was explaining something and showed them a diagram of the female pelvis, only for the husband to explain what hole they were using. It was with surprise that they discovered they had been having anal sex this whole time, because nobody had ever taught them about their bodies. In case this is also true for you, please double check that you are putting your penis in the right place!

Also make sure you know where your wife’s clitoris is. The more turned on she is, the more turned on you will be – sex is about fun and mutual enjoyment, of both of you. Your brains are still fresh, so you have to develop your tastes. Check out Vag Basics so you know what angle to be on.

SKetch - vaginal fingering

 

Sexual positions

There are a few main positions that people have sex in when they first start out, which are missionary, doggy style and girl on top. You should try all three, in the most standard configurations that you can. Remember not to try to have sex unless you are both really turned on – that way, the sex will be rumpy pumpy, rather than “is it in yet?”. Is-it-in-yet sex is an erection killer for you both.

Look online for sex position diagrams, but don’t get too caught up in sex positions. Just use the main three with the idea that you will A) be stimulating your wife’s clitoris at all times with your pelvis (ask her – it’s important) while B) getting enough friction on your penis, and C) making sure it feels good for both of you.

The beauty of being really turned on is that your bodies will dictate what position feels the best, as opposed to not being that turned on, and nothing really feeling very good. The issue at hand is that women and men both have erectile tissue, so your wife gets an ‘erection’ with her clitoris (which is much larger than the little outside part you see – look at the clitoris diagram here), and you have an erect penis. Both must be fully erect for sex to be good, because otherwise it’s a waste of time. It won’t feel interesting or good or hot. It’ll feel boring and like nothing much is happening, which is because nothing much is happening.

So. The thing you both need to do is stop trying to have fruitless sex, and start learning how to turn each other on. That is going to include you both performing oral sex on each other, giving each other handjobs, and playing fun games and learning about how everyone else is doing it. Looking up what everyone else is doing is a great way to get ideas, so you can look up pictures, videos, and instructional tutorials for couples – there are many around.

Another piece of advice to get your erection to stick around is to have sex in a way that you can see your wife’s breasts or butt – having visual feedback of what you’re doing can be exciting.

Don’t take advice from people who don’t know what they are talking about, and make sure you always check with your wife as you are doing something if it feels good, weird, or hurts. A lack of positive feedback can be an erection killer too, so focus on her pleasure, and working on her orgasm, can be satisfying.

Read through these lessons together: 
  1. Sex 101
  2. Vag Basics
  3. How to perform oral sex on a woman
  4. Fingering Basics

Learning how to be a wonderful lover for your wife, and her doing the same, is going to take a long time – what a wonderful and exciting journey you will have.

Getting over or dealing with weird smells

Sometimes women have bad-smelling vaginas. Because you have no experience, you don’t know what smells normal and what doesn’t, so it’s very difficult to determine if your wife needs to solve her vagina problem, or if you just need to get used to the odour of her vagina, associating it with wonderful sensations.

When you smell her vagina, if it smells fishy or like rotten meat, or like ammonia, she may have a vaginal infection that should be cleared up. If it smells milky, or ‘of the sea’ (but not fishy), you have a healthy vagina on your hands. When we get turned on, we excrete pheromones, which can also have a strong smell, but this smell is not bad – it can just be strong. We are animals, after all, and we produce smells as signals.

Write back anytime with questions – there is so much to having good sex, and as you go on your path you will have a thousand questions. The internet is full of sex information, so you won’t run out of reading and watching.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.