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Hello Aunt Vadge,
I’m a 27-year-old man. I got married last year and I’m the first man in my wife’s life, and she’s the first woman in mine – neither of us had any physical relationship before. After lots of struggles with positions, we finally managed intercourse once, and again the next day, but since then, even trying different positions, we haven’t been able to.
I’d never masturbated before marriage. When my wife gives me a handjob, I enjoy it and come fine. But when we try penetration, the moment I get close to her I lose my erection – maybe partly from forearm pain in one position, and the wetness on my fingers when I finger her also makes me lose it.
What can we do?
Yours,
Newlywed
Hello Newlywed,
First, please hear this clearly: what you’re describing is incredibly common, especially for a couple both new to all of this, and it’s not a sign that anything is wrong with either of you – it’s almost certainly performance anxiety, and it’s very fixable.
You can get and keep an erection when your wife gives you a handjob and you orgasm, which tells me the equipment works perfectly; it’s specifically as penetration approaches that you lose it, and that’s the signature of anxiety, not a physical fault.
When your mind is anxious and fixed on ‘will it work, will I manage it’, your body reads that as stress and the erection fades – and the more it happens, the more pressure builds, and round it goes. The forearm pain and the wetness bothering you are small distractions that tip an already-anxious moment over.
So the way out is to take penetration off the table for a while, on purpose.
Spend time together with no goal of intercourse at all – touching, kissing, exploring, the handjobs you both enjoy – so sex stops being a test you might ‘fail’ and becomes relaxed and fun again; lower the stakes and the erections look after themselves, because they thrive on relaxation, not effort.
A few practical things help too: get properly, unhurriedly aroused before going anywhere near penetration; choose a position that doesn’t strain your arms (her on top, or lying on your sides, rather than holding yourself up); and don’t worry about her natural wetness on your fingers – that’s a good sign, not a problem, though a clean towel nearby is fine if it distracts you.
If, after you’ve really relaxed the pressure for a while, you still consistently lose erections, have a calm chat with a GP to rule out any physical contributor and, if helpful, ask about a sex therapist – they’re brilliant for exactly this and see it constantly.
You’re both learning together, which is lovely; just take the pressure right off, and give it time.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
