Aunt Vadge: Do girls understand when the tip goes in?

Hello Aunt Vadge, 

So me and my girlfriend had talks about sexual history with our past partners and she claims that she is a virgin. Well they were sexually involved in the sense that they had lots of foreplay and she also mentioned that he rubbed his penis on top of her vaginal opening. Since I have never had sex before, I had some questions in my mind. 

1) Is it possible to get the tip of the penis inside the vaginal opening without putting any pressure? Like is it just possible to slide it in if a girl is a virgin?

2) Would a girl be able to understand that the tip went in? 

I know the questions are sorta weird but I am just curious to know because I don’t have a lot of knowledge about sex or the female anatomy.

Thanks in advance,
Unsure
Age: 18
Country: Mexico
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Dear Unsure,

The first thing I would like to say is that your girlfriend hasn’t ‘claimed’ that she is a virgin – she told you that she was technically a virgin in so far as she (and everyone else in the world) understood the term.

It doesn’t even matter if she isn’t, because ‘being a virgin’ is really another name for some seriously old-fashioned bollocks that nobody needs anymore, which is ‘are you pure’, ‘has no other man had his filthy penis in you’, and ‘if they have, you are in big trouble young lady!’.

Your girlfriend has been sexually active with other people/another person, and it gets really confusing as to what makes someone a virgin, not a virgin, and how to label the anatomy appropriately, and in fact how it all works.

To understand female anatomy, I’d suggest looking at all the diagrams in Vag Basics. It will help you to visualise what I’m talking about.

I want you to read this article about being a virgin, because it’s a really misused and misunderstood sort of concept, one that girls are endlessly being put to shame for. I know this wasn’t your question, exactly, but it’s really important that we’re clear about why you are writing: to see if your girlfriend is possibly not a virgin, despite her ‘claiming’ the opposite. Right? Here is another Aunt Vadge question from a girl wondering at what point does she not become a virgin… It’s a really good question, because the answer is bloody confusing.

It’s important to understand the basics of ‘virginity’, get a good grasp of female anatomy, and clear up your intentions when we answer this question. You are going to get more than you bargained for!

Let’s do some role playing

Imagine if you were lucky enough to rub your penis on a girl’s vaginal opening (but not put it in). Does that still leave you a virgin? And if you did put the tip in, are you still a virgin now? A bit of a virgin? A lucky guy? An unlucky guy? See how hard it is to determine virginity!

This is why virginity is a really outdated idea that seems to only apply to women, that has no real definition other than “has a penis been inside a vagina?”, and if the answer is “sort of”, that leaves us all pondering: just how much is too much? When is a guy not a virgin?

On top of this, your girlfriend could have been having vigorous anal sex and giving blow jobs to men and women for many years (this is theoretical!), but still technically be a virgin in the context that you are both discussing.

She would never have to tell you that and you would never be able to tell by looking at her. This is exactly how it should be, because her sexual history, outside of how it affects you directly (read: her sex with you), is not something that you are required to know anything about. This is a concept that many people are yet to be at peace with.

It’s like asking someone how many different McDonalds have they eaten at, and what did they eat there.

No really. What did you have? Fries? A shake? Chocolate or vanilla? BBQ sauce or sweet n sour? 

It is not unreasonable to ask your girlfriend “have you had sex before?”, and “What other (general acts) have you done (with other people)?” but only because it’s interesting, not to judge whether someone is a virgin or not. Nobody is under any obligation to A) tell the whole truth about their sexual history (people are judgemental) or B) disclose any sexual history at all.

Saying “I’m not telling” is a perfectly reasonable answer to probing sexual questions. It’s nobody else’s business what sex acts you did with another person, just like it’s nobody else’s business what you order for dinner.

Anyway, read that article, and try to understand the larger concept of virginity, how women are shamed for being sexual (yet it is demanded of them), and all other manner of confusing problems girls are faced with throughout their lives, like at what point they are ‘officially’ not a virgin anymore.

Celebrate her sexuality, and don’t ask too many questions you don’t want to know the answer to, or that she will feel judged on. The inexperienced are the most judgemental, because it’s easy to judge something you know nothing about based on scant information.

Her sexual activities with her other boyfriends, random strangers in bathrooms, and whoever else she wants to get jiggy with are not your concern, so be really cautious, because she is well aware of what you are asking and knows the outcomes of telling you the wrong thing. Judgement Day. Your Fear. Your Insecurity. Don’t let that be you!

You have written to me to get clarification on whether your girlfriend is truly still a virgin or not, and if she could technically not be a virgin and not have known about it. I want you to be clear about why you are asking me that – is it because you are curious about female anatomy and physiology? Or do you want ammunition to fuel insecurities about your girlfriend’s sexual history?

I’m going to answer your female anatomy and physiology questions in good faith. The answers to your questions are not straightforward, and the only person who knows the answer is your girlfriend, and it seems, you already asked her. You are writing to me for clarification on a couple of points, so here goes.

The answers to your questions

1) Is it possible to get the tip of the penis inside the vaginal opening without putting any pressure? Like is it just possible to slide it in if a girl is a virgin?

This question is entirely dependent on the vagina in question, and the state of it at the time of the alleged tip-in. The entrance to the vagina, when turned-on and wet, is a very inviting piece of anatomy.

The whole point of a very turned-on vagina is to slip a hard penis inside with ease – it just slides on in, everyone moans with pleasure, and then you both come (in theory). The problem with figuring out if the first stage of this could have happened to your girlfriend is an impossible one to answer.

Without encouraging your virgin detective agency, and in the hope that you will use this information for good not evil, there are a couple of things that could hinder or hamper a penis going into a vagina with ease.

You will need this information when you are with women now and into the future, because vaginas change all the time, and what they are like one day will be completely different the next. It’s your job to get to know the nature of each vagina you encounter, and treat them lovingly.

• Does she still have a hymen?
• Is she an anxious type?
• Is she a hornbag?
• Does she get wet easily?
• Does any of this matter?

If she has an intact hymen, it would probably cause her pain for a penis to push into her, even the tip. The hymen is right at the entrance to the vagina (see our article on hymens to understand a bit more about this), so pretty much blocks entry for the most part, but there are so many versions of a hymen (stretched, absent, thick, fibrous, thin, flimsy), and it’s possible – even probable – that your girlfriend’s hymen is long gone.

That usually happens naturally, from bike riding, running around, masturbating, tampons, whatever. So, we don’t know if she has a hymen anymore. It is likely you will soon find out, however, when you or her tries to put something into her vagina.

If she is an anxious type, then it’s possible that even when fooling around, her vagina would be clenched shut, and nothing would be able to get into its dry, frozen opening. So, in this case, again, not likely that the tip just flew in.

This can change from situation to situation, minute to minute – she could be really tense, then you whisper a sweet nothing into her ear, and she relaxes. Or, you could be having a lovely time, and then your penis bumps on her cervix too hard, causing her pain, and straight away her vagina clenches up. It’s a big tubular muscle that is operated by the brain – if her mind is happy and open, her vagina probably will be too. So, this one is completely subjective and sort of arbitrary for our conversation.

If she is a hornbag, her vagina may be slippery and wet and open and ready for a penis, in which case, it could possibly have slipped in just a tiny bit, if she wanted it to.

The entrance of the vagina becomes more slippery, which means if you push a hard penis against the entrance, it can separate the inner labia, but that doesn’t constitute a penis ‘being inside’, or even ‘inside a little bit’. It means it has spread the labia apart only, like if you push a frozen ice block against your relaxed, soft (but closed) lips (mouth). It doesn’t mean the ice block is in your mouth, it just separated the lips.

The answer is, we have absolutely no idea what happened between your girlfriend and her other lover. The only person who does know is your girlfriend, and she has given you her answer.

I would suggest you put this out of your mind, and wait with baited breath until it’s your turn to give it a try, then focus on being a great lover. You will soon learn the wily ways of the mysterious vagina, the labia, the clitoris and the woman. Read How to have sex 101, our instructional guide on cunnilingus, and fingering basics.

The great part about your sexual adventuring is that once you and her are not ‘virgin’s anymore, you will never have to worry about this again.

2) Would a girl be able to understand that the tip went in? 

Would you be able to understand if the tip of a hard penis went up your backside? Yes! Of course she would know.

Please write anytime – we love your questions.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge