Healing After Birth: Overcoming Painful Sex

Dear Aunt Vadge,

I had my daughter almost four years ago now and I still haven’t fully recovered. The doctor gave me an episiotomy and stitched me up wrong. At the time, I thought the pain I was feeling was normal. I mean, I just had a baby!

That was until I noticed after I started healing that it seems he didn’t stitch me up quite right. There was a tiny hole that has thankfully kind of healed. It’s more of like a little crater now in where the stitching was.Now if only that was my problem.

He apparently doesn’t know how to sew. The doctor added a few more stitches it seems, which causes me to re-tear every time I have sex. It tears the stitched up skin as well as inside of me as well.

When I originally brought this up to the gyno, he just brushed me off… but it’s affecting my sex life. I now get anxiety about having sex. I don’t ever want to do it. EVER. And my husband hates me for it.

I don’t think I would have such an issue with it if the skin there was flexible and didn’t rip. But here I am, with that supposed “extra stitch” all those men ask the doctor for… let me just say, it’s not such a great thing. I hate sex… I always end up in excruciating pain.

Sincerely,
Unstitched
Age 25, Canada

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Hi there Unstitched,

Thanks for writing. Your situation sounds awful, and I’m very sorry for your pain and suffering at the hands of your doctor, and their dismissal of you. It is infuriating to be brushed off like that when your vagina – and sex life – are so broken.

First, you need to find yourself a gynaecologist who takes your complaints seriously. Don’t accept being brushed off. Your complaint is a very serious one indeed, because you are constantly tearing your skin, which means you are scarring all the time – this is bad news for your vagina, because the more scar tissue, the less sensation and flexibility.

Constant tearing just means more damage, then you stop causing the damage, and your marriage suffers. You can’t win. I understand you are not having sex anyway, but just don’t have penetrative sex at all until this is resolved because you are simply damaging yourself further, making it harder to repair.

Ask around for a new gynaecologist, get all your notes sent over, and don’t see doctors of any kind who you don’t feel are caring for you and actively helping you to solve the problem.

Don’t take no for an answer. And don’t take any crap from your husband. He has hands.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge