Aunt Vadge: he force-dry humped me; was I raped?

Hi Aunt Vadge,

I was just reading about being raped. Last Saturday January 6th I was hanging out with a man that did not let me leave his apartment until I allowed him to dry hump me. Granted I thank God that there was not penetration, but I am curious… did I get raped?

Yours,
Unsure
Country: United States

Dear Unsure,

It sounds like you were sexually assaulted, which can include rape if you are penetrated, but covers the full range of sexual behaviour by another person directed at you on purpose. Rape is very specific in its definition – it must include penetration of some kind. Sexual assault, now being used in more places as the cover-all for sex crimes, is much broader in its scope.

If you believe you were sexually assaulted by this man, then you have a few options, including reporting him to the police. You might also like to get some support from a sexual assault organisation, who may be able to direct you and help with what steps to take next. Write down exactly what happened and when, so it remains fresh and accurate, and there is a written record of your experience. Sexual assault is never acceptable, and unless we report the people doing it, we’ll continue to be victims of this behaviour which robs us of our power and puts us in harm’s way – either emotionally or physically, or both.

However you look at it, on all levels, holding someone hostage so you can dry hump them is pretty gross. You then feeling grateful that you weren’t penetrated – raped – is the saddest part.

To get some advice, you should contact your local police station or rape crisis/sexual assault hotline or centre – just because you weren’t penetrated does not make what happened to you any less of a crime, and good advice is a wonderful thing in these situations. What he did to you was illegal, entitled, and scary. Remember that if you don’t say anything, he is just as likely to do this to other women in the future. It clearly wasn’t his first time dominating a woman and coming on her leg against her will, and he will do it again. Having great sex with a woman who is into it doesn’t seem to be something he enjoys!

Write anytime if you have further questions.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.
Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Latest posts by Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N) (see all)