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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I have a question about my virginity. My boyfriend and I have fooled around and agreed we would keep our virginity until the right time.
One day we were fooling around and both pretty into it, and he asked if I wanted to have sex. I was scared and wanted to hold onto being a virgin, so I kept saying ‘I don’t know’ every time he asked. He then said ‘I’ll just put the tip in’, and he put the tip in and pulled out a few times, then stopped.
Does that make me not a virgin?
Yours,
Unsure
Hi Unsure,
Before the virginity question, one thing in your letter I want to gently name: you said you kept telling him ‘I don’t know’, and he said ‘I’ll just put the tip in’ and did. ‘I don’t know’ is not a yes. When someone is unsure, the caring thing for a partner to do is stop and check in, not talk them round or go a bit further anyway.
If any part of that left you feeling pushed or uneasy, that matters, and it is worth paying attention to – not because you did anything wrong, because you did not, but because you deserve a partner who waits for a clear, happy yes.
The actual virginity question
‘Virginity’ is not a medical thing, it is a social idea, and there is no clear line it draws. Your hymen cannot tell anyone anything, because it stretches from all sorts of everyday activity. Whether you count ‘the tip’ as losing your virginity is up to you – there is no rule. What matters far more than the label is whether you feel ready and safe. There is more in our piece on what being a virgin actually means.
The more important thing
Even just the tip, with no condom, can risk pregnancy, because there can be sperm in the fluid before ejaculation. If this was recent and unprotected, emergency contraception (the morning-after pill) is an option and works best the sooner it is taken – you can get it from a pharmacy, often without a prescription. And before things go any further next time, it is worth sorting out reliable contraception together.
The same goes for infections: unprotected genital contact, even briefly, can pass on sexually transmitted infections, so it is worth you both getting a sexual health check, which the same clinic can do at the same time.
You set the pace here, and ‘not yet’ is a complete answer. If you ever want to talk any of this through with someone confidential, including feeling pushed, a sexual health or youth clinic is a good, private place to start. You are not in any trouble, and you have not done anything wrong.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information and not a substitute for personalised medical advice. If you ever feel pressured or unsafe, a sexual health or youth clinic can help you confidentially.
