Aunt Vadge: my husband’s penis is so big it splits me every time we have sex

Hello Aunt Vadge, 

I have recurrent fissuring of the posterior fourchette, for four years, after every sex session.  I am wondering if this constant fissuring can lead to the development of lichen sclerosus? Because i constantly tear and damage the skin. I had pain at the beginning, but now it’s like this tiny fissure is not healing and just stands there at the bottom of my vagina. I don’t have pain and itching, but I am so very afraid that I could develop some autoimmune reaction because of this constant reopening of the fissure and irritation down there. It’s like a paper cut; nothing serious, but can I provoke lichen sclerosus in the long run?

I am married, and I went to my gynecologist and have done all the tests, and it all came back negative. I dont have thrush or BV, I also haven’t got itching, I am doing pap smears regularly, I have done hormonal tests and they came back normal, and it’s all good. I am using virgin coconut oil as a lubricant and it helps during sex. The problem is that my husband is well endowed. He has a penis girth of 5.9 inches circumference (15 cm) so I was asking myself, can a thick penis actually be the cause of my fissuring? Because with a previous boyfriend (who was much smaller in size) I didn’t have this problem.

Thank you for your answer.
Concerned
Age: 31
Country/Area: Europe

Dear Concerned,

It sounds like your husband’s penis – which is very wide – is the cause of your problems. We like to think that our vaginas can fit whatever we want to put into them, but it’s not really true. Having a genital mismatch is a real problem for a lot of couples!

There can be ongoing issues from having a cut and inflammation on your posterior fourchette ongoing, so that needs to be resolved somehow. What I would suggest you do is negotiate with your husband in terms of positions and other ways to get each other off that don’t involve penetration all the time. Your vagina needs a break to heal properly, or this will never end. It needs to be fixed. The way to fix it first is stop penetrative sex for two weeks so it can really heal, then during that time, have a frank discussion with your husband about what is happening to you. It’s not acceptable to have a vaginal tear that never heals.

Lichen sclerosus is not really your issue, so don’t worry too much about that. Lichen sclerosus is an autoimmune condition, which is different to an immune response from an outside thing. You need to focus on ways to not cause the fissuring in the first place. That’s the important thing here.

You might like to check out people who specialise in sexual training and assistance for couples, to help get you as a couple to the other side of this, since it is a challenging problem to have: penetrative sex with your husband damages you. You can’t keep doing that. Getting help to navigate a way to solve this in a healthy way, that doesn’t involve you just keeping on doing it because you don’t want to stop having sex, is important.

If you need any more help, please write back. Oh, and stop worrying about lichen sclerosus! You don’t have it.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.
Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

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