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Hi Aunt Vadge,
My boyfriend (my first) and I have been together about four months, and we’ve started ‘doing stuff’.
I fully trust and love him and want to do stuff with him, but I keep getting so scared it’s going to hurt. He tried to finger me but I couldn’t cope with the thought of the potential pain.
I’ve tried to do it myself to get used to it, but I can’t get deep enough. What do I do?
Yours,
Petrified
Age: 18
Country: UK
Dear Petrified,
Welcome to your vagina! Your fear of pain is very natural, and most of us have felt it.
Nobody ever says, ‘Oh, isn’t it great being a virgin, everything that touches my vagina feels like magic!’. It’s always more like, ‘Wow, that really hurt!’
It makes sense to be wary of pain – we’re wired that way. But that fear can get in the way of your sexual investigations. This part of the learning curve is the most fraught, because it really is new: your vagina is uncharted territory, and there’s no guidebook for exactly how yours will respond.
Getting past the fear comes down to understanding what actually causes pain, and why.
Usually, the pain comes from:
- Your hymen, if it’s still there
- A tightly clenched pelvic floor muscle
- Less commonly, an anatomical variation that obstructs the vagina
- A condition like vulvodynia, which causes unexplained vulval or vaginal pain
In your case it’s most likely one of the first two, and both are very solvable. Grab a hand mirror and have a look to see whether your hymen is still intact.
Read our article on the hymen so you know what you’re looking for. You can gently stretch a hymen out yourself, pain-free (there are instructions at the bottom of that article). If yours happens to be thick and fibrous, which is unusual, you might be better off popping into a doctor to have it opened quickly with a little anaesthetic – but that’s rare, so most likely you can stretch it out comfortably at home.
If your pelvic floor muscles are tightly clenched, the fix is learning about those muscles so you understand how to relax them.
Most important of all, though, is learning how you get turned on. So take penetration off the table for now – and take your fear off with it. Focus on your clitoris, get your boyfriend involved, and learn about the wonders of oral sex.
Once your vulva, vagina and clitoris are properly turned on, you’re wet, and you’re all breathless, you’ll know your vagina is ready for penetration. Your vagina has to want to be penetrated before anything goes in at all – that really can’t be overstated. Get turned on, and the rest starts to make far more sense.
Make your boyfriend promise not to put anything inside you, and let him explore your whole vulva – clitoris, labia, all around. Find out what feels good with his tongue or fingers.
As you get turned on, your vulva swells with blood and the erectile tissue inside activates, much like a penis becoming erect. You want a lady boner! Your vagina then produces its own slippery lubrication, and all that swelling actually cushions and protects the vaginal walls from damage.
A vagina isn’t designed to be used sexually when it’s not turned on. Doing that causes pain and damage, and fulfils every fear you’ve ever had. Learn how to get turned on properly, fully and breathlessly, and you’ll start to feel that wanting – the desire to have a finger or penis inside – and the fear naturally fades.
Set aside a couple of hours with your boyfriend and go through Sex 101, fingering basics, how to perform cunnilingus on a woman, and the diagrams in Vag Basics.
They’re thorough, so it’ll take a little time, but by the end you’ll understand much better how this whole sex-and-vagina thing is meant to go. After that, it’s simply practice – with your boyfriend and on your own. None of us is born good at sex.
Getting to know your body, your sexuality and your vagina is a whole new adventure – one that takes years and never really ends. You’re on exactly the right track. Keep reading, and keep practising.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
