Aunt Vadge: my boyfriend is upset because I don’t orgasm easily

Hi Aunt Vadge,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask, and this is a long one, but I need help! Long story short, my boyfriend that I love so much and have been with for a long time, is upset because he finds it difficult to make me come.

Which makes me upset and angry at myself for not coming! I’ve found that the easiest way for me to come is through oral sex, I’ve never had an orgasm through vaginal sex alone which I’ve learnt is common.

We have used toys before which have done the job but he feels are a bit of an insult to him, because he feels like he ‘isn’t doing his job’. I have said to him that I don’t mind not reaching ‘the big O’ because the sex is so enjoyable but he seems to mind so much.

That being said, he doesn’t try to make me orgasm that often and seems more focused on getting himself to the finish line. He’s told me he feels selfish because of that – I kind of agree but is there a way to agree without hurting his feelings?

If he ever does go down on me it feels unwilling, even though I wax and wash regularly, he’s criticised the hair down there before, during this, which of course made it harder to orgasm because I felt like he didn’t want to and so I sort of felt sorry for him!

He’s said he would rather be inside me than go down on me and I can see why because that’s more pleasure for him. But that makes me feel insecure about myself, like he doesn’t want to go down on me.

I think the orgasm is more of a mental process to be honest, and the key is his persistence and patience and him being more responsive to what I say, and taking things slow with more foreplay.

But he seems so set on making me orgasm when he tries, which puts pressure on me, and with the added worry that he doesn’t want to be doing it, I can’t come.

Sex isn’t all about making each other have orgasms, even though he doesn’t see it from that perspective, but I’d just like to be able to climax when he tries because I think it really damages morale for both parties when I don’t!

Thankyou,
Pressured

Hi there Pressured,

It sounds like your boyfriend is missing the point of sex in its entirety. Sex is about having fun, being close with someone, and connecting. It is not about orgasm, though let’s be real – it’s pretty good when it does happen.

That being said, if the one way you can most easily orgasm is oral sex, he should be between your legs day and night, getting you off because you love it, and he loves that you love it.

Why he is not doing that is very mysterious, and yes, he is being completely selfish. You should feel free to just come out and say that to his face. Sex is a joint venture, and you are not a receptacle for him to pump away at, while you are lying there feeling like you want to cry because your boyfriend is completely ignoring your needs. It feels pretty crappy. It must stop, and don’t be scared to have a fight about it. It’s worth fighting for.

What most young gentlemen callers fail to understand about the female body is that is isn’t like their own. They have been jacking off since they were just into double digits, and it is so easy for them to ejaculate into a tissue. It just isn’t like that for most women. It is baffling that your boyfriend knows how to make you come (with his mouth), but simply rejects this outright because it doesn’t suit him. What planet does he live on?

When a guy makes you orgasming with his penis the most important thing, it takes the focus off every single other element of the experience, including feeling close and happy, and getting off the way you like. You are feeling guilt and shame, berating yourself, because you can’t give him what he wants, which is for you to orgasm via penetrative sex – that is utterly ridiculous!

Your orgasm is your orgasm, not his, and everyone has different preferences for how they like to come. He participates in it, but it’s not a gift that he gives you that you are somehow rejecting by not having; it’s something you experience, and share with him. You would be orgasming a lot more if he wasn’t being such a dick about it.

Toys are a great adjunct to sex, and he really needs to get over using them – he is just as manly as he was before if you get off using a toy, and not his penis. What’s the big deal? You getting off is the point, right? Not how you get off.

He was still responsible for that orgasm in some way, during a sexual experience with the woman he loves, not matter how that happens. You say you have been together for a long time, which means that this has been happening forever. That is awful and needs to change. He is insecure, and not acting in a loving way towards you. Yawn!

Your boyfriend needs to pull his head in, Pressured. You say you really love him, but having a boyfriend who pressures you to orgasm, makes you feel bad about your vagina, and refuses to pleasure you, is a bad choice in man – you feel bad, he feels bad, and sex becomes a major problem, and something you end up doing for him, not with him.

Wrong! You know what the end result of this scenario is? You faking it every so often to just give him what he wants so you don’t have to feel bad anymore. This is how that begins. Don’t be her. A life of faked orgasms is a sad life indeed.

The solution to this is multi-faceted, but it involves you taking control of the situation, and really putting your foot down with your boyfriend so he understands very clearly that you are no longer going to feel pressured to orgasm the way he wants you to, and that you are not going to accept his criticisms of your pubic hair or vagina – if he doesn’t like it, he can go find some other schmuck to make feel bad.

The way you get off is the way you get off until further notice. I have many friends who can only orgasm via oral sex, and they are well into their 30s, 40s and 50s – it’s completely ok! You won’t find them being berated for not getting off the way their lovers want them to. You have a parade of women cheering you on here.

While you will have all kinds of sex with him because you like it, you won’t orgasm from it and that has to be ok. Not just ok, but awesome. He can get you off with his mouth and he refuses? Who is this guy! Trade him in!

The issue of him not liking going down on you is a very big one, because it bleeds into so many other areas of your life – if he doesn’t care about that part of you, what else is he missing? This isn’t a choice between penetrative or oral sex – it’s not a preference that he gets to choose, would he rather stick it in you, or go down on you

The best lovers absolutely love going down on women. It’s one of their favourite things to do in the world, making them sought-after lovers and excellent companions. Your boyfriend really needs to get over it. I bet your vagina is an absolute delight, and the way you choose to wear your muff very lovely.

Why should he get to choose, and why is he being so critical about it? Has he never had another girlfriend before? Is he really that much of a beginner that he doesn’t understand what vaginas can do for him, and that he needs to love all vaginas, and not load some ridiculous porn-driven pubic hair notion onto the woman that he loves?

Doesn’t he realise that you could break up with him at any moment, and he’d have to find someone else to criticise, while you are coming into some other guy’s face? Screw him!

There are so many things to feel bad about in this life, and your beautiful vagina should not be one of them, so stop letting him make you feel bad, and the next time he criticises your pubic hair, tell him to get lost, then find a man who loves to eat you out, and cares about taking the time to make you orgasm however you do because it’s important to him that you are happy and satisfied. A man who always makes you feel good about yourself. There are plenty of them out there.

Also, while we’re on the topic, subscribe to the free version of Dan Savage’s Lovecast (podcast), and listen diligently to every single episode from start to finish. You will learn about what sex is supposed to be, and what it’s not, with Dan’s intolerance of people feeling bad about sex to keep you company while your boyfriend is not eating you out and making you come. It’s so important that you feel good about sex, because life’s too short to be crying into your pillow, when you could be biting on your pillow.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.
Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

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