Aunt Vadge: my hymen is torn after a hard-on slip – will I be ok?

Hey Aunt Vadge, 

A few days ago (almost a week now), my boyfriend and I were foreplaying and his penis accidentally went inside. As I wasn’t expecting it, I cried out in surprise. Only the tip went in, but he has quite a large one, so it hurt a lot. I had to take a few minutes to relax and pull myself together. I walked around the room for a few minutes and then decided to go to the bathroom and check what had happened down there.

I was bleeding, so of course, I freaked out. I came out and told my boyfriend; we stopped everything and he just cuddled me up. The next day, when I came to my house, I took a mirror and placed it in front of my vagina so I could take a better look: the hymen remnants had two main cracks/tears on the sides.

I started taking warm baths and just sitting there so the area would be relaxed, and I also iced it a little bit. One of the cracks appears healed but the other, which looks a bit purple, is still torn. I’ve had mild vaginal discharge, it’s a bit sticky and a light grey, almost transparent.

I was a virgin before this happened, and I’m okay with the situation, but my boyfriend feels really bad about it. All I want to know is if this is normal? Does it happen to a lot of people?  Will it heal? How do I know if I need to get the crack stitched?

That would be a problem because I’d have to bring my mother with me to the gyn, and that’s a big no. Thank you very much, it’d be really nice to receive some support from someone who knows better than me.

Age 16, Colombia

Dear Cracked,

You will be just fine and your situation is one of the common variations of how your hymen gets taken out of commission – each of us is slightly different, ranging from thick, fibrous seemingly-impossible-to-break hymens to women who don’t ever remember having a hymen, nor it being made redundant.

Your hymen needs to get pushed out of the way so that you can have things put into your vagina, and for some young ladies, this can be really painful and bloody, while others don’t even notice. You are one of the painful, bloody ones. (You have our sympathies!)

But, once it’s done, it’s done, so just let the wound heal and don’t worry about it besides general wound care – don’t touch it, keep it dry and clean using only warm water once per day, don’t wear irritating underwear, and apply a small amount of a soothing oil or gel (aloe vera, coconut, paw paw).

Minor cuts and tears can be encouraged to heal well with a moisturising vulva and vagina-friendly cuts cream.

What does this mean?

Your hymenal behaviour doesn’t mean anything much except that you have to put up with the pain and bleeding of stretching out your hymen, and reassure your poor boyfriend that this is something that was going to happen anyway. It just so happened to be accidentally with the tip of his giant penis, but it could have been a finger, you masturbating, or in fact you riding a bicycle the wrong way.

Hymens keep the vagina protected during childhood, but that quickly becomes a small, but very real, barrier to sexual activity down the track, if the hymen is still more or less intact by the time sexual activity begins.

The message for your boyfriend

Please tell your boyfriend from us that he is very sweet, but your hymen being split open could have happened a hundred different ways. He is off the hook, though being very careful with his big hard penis is very important! As he has found out the hard way, vaginas – while so hardy they can squeeze out a giant baby – can be pretty delicate. He sounds like he will be a wonderful and attentive lover for your entry points into sex.

Hymenal remnants

The hymen is flesh is designed to be pushed aside, though many women have remnants of the hymen that sit around the vaginal entrance/just inside and become a feature of their vaginas for all of time. This is completely normal, though not all women have a hymenal ring. These leftovers can also be called carunculae myrtiformes, hymenal tags, or hymenales.

Read our article on the hymen, and check out the instructions at the bottom for stretching your hymen gently over time. Your boyfriend can help you do this, and while he is there, learn about your vagina – it’s a great thing to share, since it is done in a gentle way, and is not connected to sex – start once your vagina is completely healed.

If you have bits of your hymen that interfere with life in any way, they can easily be lopped off at the doctor’s office, which can be done when you are at the age whereby you can go by yourself. Nobody else has to know anything about your gynaecology.

Though really, by the time you are 16-and-a-half, you probably will have forgotten all about this, your vagina will be normal and healthy, and nothing more will need to be done. This is simply a transition phase whereby your hymen is out of your life forever.

Don’t forget to be really gentle with your vagina, and take your time – your vagina is being investigated for the first handful of times, and it doesn’t just ‘work’ straight away how you think – you and your boyfriend need to learn how to use it, the same way he has to learn how to use his penis, but with more research and investigation, since we can’t see into the vagina the way we can see a penis.

Check out Vag Basics and look at the diagrams so you can both see what lies inside – there are angles, bumps and lumps and all manner of business. It’s very interesting!

Write back anytime.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge  

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