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Hi there Aunty Vadge,
I’ve got a few worries about tightness. I’m 20 and a virgin, and I’ve realised I’m really tight. I can use tampons and two fingers, but a vibrator just won’t go in at all. How can I make myself less tight? I’ve tried stretching and it hurts like crazy. I’m not normally very lubricated and have to use lube so it doesn’t hurt, and I rarely reach orgasm – I think trying too hard makes it worse. Maybe I just need to relax. Also, the opening of my vagina looks like flower petals, and I wondered if that’s my hymen – but if it were, would I be able to fit two fingers in?
Best,
Tight
Dear Tight,
I don’t think you’re too tight – I think you’re not turned on enough, and you’re right that forcing something in until it hurts is the opposite of what helps. When you’re aroused and relaxed, the vaginal muscles soften and the whole area opens up. When you’re tense or trying hard, they clench, and everything feels tight and sore.
Arousal does the heavy lifting
Being properly turned on is the key, because it overrides the tension and anxiety that make you clench. Only try when you actually feel like it – a bit horny, a bit in the mood – rather than as a task to get through. For a lot of people that’s easiest around ovulation, when a little hormonal lift makes you feel sexier and more responsive. Tracking your cycle helps you spot those days.
You’ll notice the fertile window as a wetter, slightly slippery feeling in your underwear – that’s fertile cervical fluid, and your body tends to be more physically responsive then.
Getting to know what works
Learning what does it for you takes patience and a bit of experimenting – we’re all wired differently, so you’ll want to try everything, a few times over. There are some brilliant resources out there for watching and learning about female masturbation, so go and see what other women get up to, copy what appeals, and find out whether it rings your bells too.
Your clitoris is the main event, and it’s far bigger than the little button you can see – picture something more like the Starship Enterprise than the tiny nub in the diagrams (that’s just the glans). That whole structure wraps right around your vaginal canal, which is a big part of why penetration can feel so good once you’re really turned on – and the area up near the cervix can be surprisingly orgasmic too.
Go slowly and stay well lubricated. Once you’re properly turned on, you’ll likely find something slides in far more easily than when you’re forcing it cold.
When tightness needs a closer look
If penetration stays really painful or impossible even when you’re relaxed and aroused, that can be pelvic floor muscle tension (sometimes called vaginismus), where the muscles guard involuntarily. It’s common and very treatable – a pelvic floor physiotherapist can help you release it, often with gentle graduated dilators, and it’s well worth seeing one rather than pushing through pain.
Your hymen
If you can use tampons and fit two fingers, your hymen has already stretched open – that’s normal. The petal-like folds at your opening are much more likely to be your labia or small hymenal remnants, which are a normal part of the landscape.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
