Hi there Aunty Vadge,
I just had a few worries concerning tightness. I’m 20 and a virgin, but I’ve realised that I am really tight. I can use tampons and only two fingers, but I can’t use vibrators – it just won’t go in at all! I was just wondering if you could help me figure out how I can make myself less tight. I’ve tried stretching but it hurts like crazy.
I’m not normally very lubricated and have to use lubricant so I don’t hurt. I also never really reach orgasm either. I struggle to reach orgasm so that might be the problem. I think because I think I’m tight, then I make it worse by trying too hard. Maybe I just need to learn how to relax.
Also the opening of my vagina is like flower petals and I was wondering if this was my hymen, but if so would I be able to fit two fingers in if it was?
I think the problem is not that you are too tight, but that you are not turned on enough. You are totally correct – forcing something into your vagina to the point that it hurts is not the way to get your rocks off.
Learning how to touch yourself is an ongoing process. It starts with you, then you have to teach someone else how to do it! Learning how to masturbate is not that easy for many women, since we have so many areas that can be magic spots on some women, and not on others. We’re all a bit different in that respect. What works when you masturbate will eventually become clear, but you’ll need to try everything, and a few times.
There are some great ‘how to masturbate’ guides for women online. The crux of it is, yes you must relax, but, you need to be horny to start with -trying to masturbate or have sex when you are not horny is just a waste of time. Your body just won’t do it.
So my advice would be to get your timing right. This means only try to masturbate when you feel sexual – a bit dirty, a bit horny. This is most likely to happen when you’re ovulating, so make sure you have a period tracker on your phone or use a calendar, and figure out when you ovulate (unless you are on hormonal birth control of any kind, in which case you will not ovulate). You’ll start to know, because you’ll have that day where you feel wet in your underwear, and when you wipe after the toilet it feels a bit slimy. That’s your fertile cervical fluid – it means you can get pregnant. That fluid is designed for sperm to be able to survive in the vagina, but it also means that your body is primed for sex – to get you pregnant in theory. It makes you much more responsive physically to sexual stimuli than at other times.
Your body has this little spike of testosterone and other hormones that make you kinda horny and feel sexier and more confident. It’s a great time to practice masturbating – your body is as ready as ever to be open, turned on, and for orgasm.
You will find that once you are really turned on, putting something into your vagina becomes not only easy, but your body will demand it – and you’ll be off and away.
The times in your cycle that you’re more horny than others will vary, so make notes throughout your cycle, and you’ll start to see the patterns emerge. It’s really interesting!
Look up techniques to try online, and watch videos of other women masturbating and see what they do – the outside part of your clitoris is your main focal point, but if you see an image of the clitoris, it’s actually huge, like the Starship Enterprise, rather than the little nub in the diagrams (that is the glans clitoris). This giant clitoral structure is part of the reason why penetration feels so good, since it reaches around our vaginal canal – the clitoris is everywhere. Additionally, the area around the cervix (the top of your vagina) can be very orgasmic too. You’ll just have to find out by experimenting which parts of your vagina and vulva do it for you.
In terms of tightness, don’t worry too much. Being horny is the key for most women, because it overrides your anxiety and tension to a great degree.
As for your hymen, it seems long gone. If you can use tampons and put fingers in your vagina, it’s done and dusted. There are often hymenal remnants at the vaginal entrance, but those can disappear over time.