Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Dear Aunt Vadge,
I love my boyfriend, we’ve talked about it, and we’re ready to have sex. I’m a virgin and he’s not, but he’s only done it with one other girl. A few things I’m wondering:
- We’re going to use protection. We’ve given each other oral and stuff, but my main worry is whether I can get pregnant.
- Also about my ‘cherry popping’ and shaved vagina?
- He has a lot of pubic hair, but I don’t know if I should have hair or not.
- I’m scared something might go wrong, like what if I’m not tight, or too tight.
I’m ready, but afraid of the consequences. Please help!
Yours,
Scared
Dear Scared,
First off, the most reassuring thing I can tell you: there’s no hurry, and ‘ready’ means ready whenever you are, on the day, in the moment – not a decision you’re locked into. You can change your mind at any point, including halfway through, and that’s completely your right. Let’s take your questions one at a time.
Not getting pregnant
You’re smart to think about this first. Used properly, a condom is a physical barrier between his sperm and your egg, so it protects you from pregnancy and greatly reduces the risk of STIs at the same time (for skin-to-skin infections like HPV and herpes it lowers the risk rather than removing it completely). Get a good brand without spermicide, and pair it with a water-based lubricant (see choosing the best lubricant).
Well before the day, get your boyfriend to practise putting one on: pinch the tip to squeeze the air out, then roll it all the way down to the base of the erect penis. It should fit snugly. Watch him do it, because knowing how to put a condom on is your job too, not just his. And if one ever slips or splits, emergency contraception works best taken as soon as possible – a pharmacist can sort you out quietly, no fuss.
The ‘cherry’ and your hymen
The ‘popping a cherry’ idea is a myth. The hymen isn’t a seal that bursts – it’s a soft, stretchy rim that mostly just stretches to the sides. If you’ve used tampons or had fingers inside before, yours has probably already stretched, and first-time sex may be no more than a little snug. Our hymen article shows you what it actually is, and you can take a look at your own with a hand mirror.
If there’s a bit of stinging or a spot of blood the first time, that’s normal and won’t keep happening. If it’s ever more than mild, that’s your cue to slow right down, add more lube, and try another day – never to push through.
Pubic hair – keep it
Keep your pubic hair. It’s a soft cushion that stops the scratchy friction when two bodies press together, and that matters more than you’d think, because a lot of the good feeling in penetrative sex comes from your clitoris rubbing against his pubic mound or body. Shaving leaves stubble that can be quite uncomfortable during sex. Trim it if you like, but there’s no need to shave it off, and definitely no rule that you should.
Tightness and comfort
There’s no such thing as ‘wrong’ here. The vagina is stretchy and adjusts, which is exactly why being properly turned on matters: when you’re aroused, it relaxes, opens and gets wet, and a penis slides in comfortably. When you’re not aroused, it stays tight and dry, and that’s when it hurts. So the trick isn’t your size, it’s your arousal – lots of unhurried kissing and touching first, plenty of lube, and no rushing.
Pain is not something to put up with. If it hurts, or you feel anxious, stop and try again another time – accidents aside, sex shouldn’t hurt, and stopping is always allowed.
The actual experience
Give yourselves unhurried time and privacy, keep the condom and lube within reach, and read how to have sex 101 together beforehand. Most people don’t orgasm their first time, so take that off the to-do list entirely – just notice what feels good and what feels odd, and tell him. He isn’t a mind-reader, and having done it once with someone else doesn’t make him an expert on your body; you’re both learning this together.
Keep talking the whole way through, keep your expectations low, and know that first-time sex is often awkward and funny rather than smooth and cinematic. That’s completely normal. Enjoy yourselves.
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
If either of you has more questions, write anytime.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
