Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Dear Aunt Vadge,
My boyfriend’s been asking for sex lately, but neither of us has done it before, and whenever we want to we end up not knowing how. I need a comprehensive guide on how to have sex.
Best,
Not Sure
Age 18, Nigeria
Dear Not Sure,
There’s no single guide that teaches you to ‘have sex’, because it isn’t one move to copy – it’s two people learning each other’s bodies, and the lovely part is you’ve got all the fun of that ahead of you.
So start before the penetration question: get to know your own anatomy and how his works, because understanding how you each get turned on is the actual foundation.
And here’s a reframe worth having early – penis-in-vagina sex is just one kind of sex; kissing, touching, oral, hands and fingering are all sex in their own right, not a warm-up act, and getting good at those is what makes penetration work later.
The best thing you can really do is exactly what it sounds like: get comfortable together, with no pressure to ‘perform’, and learn as you go.
Read our guides together – vulva basics, how the female sexual response works, fingering basics, oral sex and sex 101 – take turns reading bits aloud, and talk and laugh about it as you experiment, because early sex is awkward and a bit hilarious, and that’s completely normal.
When you do try penetration, make sure she’s properly aroused and wet first, use lube and condoms, go slow, and stop if anything hurts; her on top is the easiest way to start, because she controls the depth and pace.
Communication is the whole secret – keep asking each other what feels good – and you’ll figure it out far better that way than from any diagram.
Best,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
