Aunt Vadge: I’m scared that I’ll scare him away if I bleed

Hi Aunt Vadge,

I’m 18 and have been with three, now four, guys. I have been fingered each time. The first time; I didn’t bleed. The second time; I did bleed but I figured it was my hymen and the fact that because it had been several months since losing my virginity. The third time; I don’t believe I bled. But this time, I bleed each time he fingers me, which has been twice so far.

He’s gone a lot deeper and used more fingers and been a little more rough in comparison to my other experiences, but I’m concerned as to why I bleed every time. His nails aren’t very long and I would think that my hymen is already stretched since I’ve had sex multiple times. It never lasts more than a couple minutes after he does it, but then my vagina hurts for about a day, my clit is sore and I get bloody/brown discharge.

I’m scared to have full intercouse with him now because his penis is much bigger and longer than not only his fingers, but also the rest of the guys I’ve been with. Will I bleed? I’m scared that me bleeding will scare him away. Help me please!!!

Best,
Slightly Scared
Age: 18
Country/Area: United States

Dear Slightly Scared,

Consider that he is scaring you away by making you bleed every time he fingers you! Not the other way around. If you made his penis bleed every time you touched it, don’t you think he’d stop seeing you or at least have something to say about it?

Reverse this so you feel confident about your role here. You are not a vessel for his dick and fingers, where he can jab away at you however he likes, causing pain, bleeding, and whatever other disasters he is inflicting. Sex and fingering are meant to be freakin’ awesome, and hot, and slippery, and fun. Not result in a letter to Aunt Vadge about how your vag is sore for a full day, your clit hurts and you have bled all over the place.

So, let’s go through this.

There are a few things that you need to be confident and clear on here. The first is that your boyfriend is doing something wrong when he fingers you if it hurts or you bleed – this is called mechanical damage, meaning he is hurting you unnecessarily, not that there is something wrong with you.

Fingering should NEVER EVER cause pain and bleeding. It is not your vagina that’s the problem, but his technique. This is not your fault – your vagina is perfectly fine – but you need to explain this to him in no uncertain terms and both of you figure out a way for you to be fingered that not just ‘doesn’t hurt’, but feels awesome.

Bad fingering is rife globally and it needs to stop. The only way it stops is if you put an end to it by teaching him how to do it better. (Golden girlfriend rule: leave him better than you found him!)

     Don’t get into bed with Edward Scissorhands if you don’t like bleeding after fingering

Fingering is actually quite hard to do well, and young men stabbing at us with their fingers is almost across the board terrible. Consider you his education, because he clearly has no idea what he is doing. What I do know for sure is that he doesn’t want to be the guy whose nickname amongst girls is Edward Scissorhands.

He wants to make you orgasm, so he can be famous as as lover. He wants you to writhe in ecstasy every time he touches you, he wants you to tell all your friends how hot he is in bed, and most of all, he wants to you like him! Desire him! Think he’s wonderful! Remember that he has no idea what he is doing, so you need to teach him. You might not have all the answers, but pain and bleeding is NOT it, which is kind of easy to avoid once you know you should.

Secondly, fact: bleeding is not going to scare a guy off, especially when you explain to him that he is causing the bleeding. His response should be to feel bad and try really really hard to do better in future.

Thirdly, before you have any sex at all (which fingering loosely fits into technically speaking), you need to be really turned on. A big penis and pokey fingers can be interesting to navigate at first, but with a guy who cares about you being really horny before he puts his dick or dirty mitts into you, this problem will sort itself out.

     Why being properly turned on – like a boner – saves you from a lot of damage

Being turned on solves everything, because your vagina, when swollen with blood (like a guy’s hard-on) is cushioned and responsive and wet and so so ready to have something in it. Your vagina opens up, expands, and is plump with blood, specifically so that sex feels amazing, but also so damage doesn’t occur.

The whole physiological process of being turned on is to transform a vagina to a state of readiness. If it’s not ready, it’s not ready, and you have to be the boss of this, not him. You say when something goes in, not him. If you aren’t ready, physically, it’s just going to hurt and cause damage, thereby defeating the purpose of the hanky panky, which is that you both like it.

A vagina is not just ‘ready’ because it is a vagina and you can put things in it any old time. Don’t let anything into your vagina until your vagina is ready, and learn when that is – and when it isn’t. You’ll know, but I promise if you wait until your vagina is ready (and then usually wait just a little longer!), you will enjoy sex a million times more, be having orgasms, and look forward in breathless awe to penetration.

When you let guys poke and jab at you, it ends up with you in pain, and for what? Nothing at all. They don’t want it to hurt you anymore than you want to be hurt – they want you to run off and tell everyone how good it was, not how weird, awkward and painful it was.

It is not only his job to make you feel good (because let’s face it, that can be hard to figure out without any instructions), it’s yours too – you guys need to talk and try things on each other and both of you figure out how to turn you on to the point where you can have not just comfortable sex, but hot, horny, dirty, rockin’ banging. The best sex.

     How to get properly horny so sex doesn’t hurt

The issue is technique and horniness on your part, so I suggest you both read the links below, so that he can get a better idea of what’s cool and what’s not, while you also doing your homework and feeling more confident to say stop, slow down, let’s try something else, etc. You need to be the boss here, because this is your sexual pleasure (and vagina pain) at stake.

Remember, every time he touches you, it should feel good and if it doesn’t, it is your job to educate him on how to touch you. He is not a mind reader, and he is no doubt just as inexperienced as you are, with no real clue on how to touch you. We’re all bad at sex at first, so it’s important to always leave someone better than you found them when it comes to this stuff. It might be awkward to talk about, but I guarantee you that once you start having sweet sweet sex, it’ll all be worth it. Learning how to talk is the only important thing you need to learn when it comes to sex, because the rest is easy – when someone tells you how.

Write anytime!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.