Overcoming Fear of Pain During First-Time Sex

Author: Aunt Vadge
Qualified Naturopath | BHSc(N)

Last reviewed: July 7, 2026

Hey Aunt Vadge,

My boyfriend and I have tried four times to make love, but I’m scared of pain. I really want to, and we’ve talked about it. I know I’m ready, but whenever he tries to put it in, I get scared of the pain and we stop. Can you advise me?

Thanks,
Scared
Age 18, South Africa

Hi Scared,

First, the most important thing: it’s wonderful that you and your boyfriend talk about this, and that you stop the moment you feel scared. That communication is the foundation of good sex, and it tells me you’re going about this exactly right – so nothing here is a problem with you.

What’s happening is a very normal cycle that’s easy to understand and to break. When part of you is braced for pain, the muscles around the vaginal entrance tighten without you choosing it; penetration then meets a tense, closed entrance, which really does hurt or feel impossible; and the pain confirms the fear, so next time the bracing is even stronger.

Four attempts have taught your body to expect pain and guard against it. That’s the loop, and it’s called vaginismus – common, involuntary, and very fixable.

The way out is to take penetration-as-the-goal off the table for a while, because the pressure itself feeds the tension.

Instead, get to know your own body first, on your own, with no one waiting: with clean hands, some lubricant and an unhurried mood, gently explore the entrance and try slipping one of your own fingers in, only as far as feels completely comfortable, so your body learns at its own pace that this is safe and not painful.

Build up slowly over days and weeks – one finger, then perhaps two, or small graded dilators – never pushing into pain.

When you involve your boyfriend again, make sure you’re properly aroused and well-lubricated first (arousal makes the tissue soften, lengthen and open, and is the single biggest difference between comfortable and painful), go slowly, and let you be the one in control of the pace and depth.

If the fear and tightness don’t ease with all that, a pelvic-floor physiotherapist is brilliant at exactly this. You’re ready, you’re normal, and there’s no rush – gentleness wins.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.