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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I had a vulvectomy when I was 19. I’m 33 now and find myself still grieving. What should I do?
Yours,
Grieving
USA
Dear Grieving,
Fourteen years on and still grieving doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you — it means you went through something enormous, and grief over a changed body, especially one as personal as this, doesn’t run on a tidy timetable.
A vulvectomy is a major physical and emotional event, and it’s completely understandable to still feel the loss of how your body used to look and feel. So first, please be gentle with yourself: there’s nothing self-indulgent or ‘too late’ about still mourning this.
That said, you don’t have to carry the grief at full weight forever. You can’t have your old body back, but the goal isn’t to choose between ‘grieving forever’ and ‘pretending it’s fine’ — there’s a middle place, acceptance, where the loss is real but no longer runs your days, and it’s somewhere people do reach, often with help.
A psychologist or counsellor who works with grief, body image, or the aftermath of cancer and surgery can really help you find your way toward it, and you can see someone in person, or online by video or phone if that feels easier or more private.
If your surgery was for vulval cancer, many cancer-support services also offer free counselling and peer groups of people who understand this exact loss, which can be a comfort in itself.
You’ve lived a lot of life since then, and you deserve to feel more at home in your body and less weighed down. Reaching out, as you’ve done here, is exactly the right instinct — please take the next step and let someone walk alongside you with it. You don’t have to do this alone.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical or psychological advice.
