What not to put inside your vagina

It can be tempting to try to stick a great variety of things inside your vagina, but here are some no-go objects with clear explanations as to why.

     1. Anything with a flat or concave (curves inward) bottom

This includes bottles, tubes, cans, etc. So, no Berocca bottles, no shampoo bottles… etc. This is because the flat bottom will create suction when you try to pull it out, and although you won’t really do much damage, it’s just hard. Use things with a curve, or things that are slim enough that they just slide out.

     2. Anything sharp

This should be a no-brainer, but this includes things like hair brushes, glass bottles (that could break), the pointy end of pens and pencils, knives (either end – suction can suck a sharp knife inside and keep it there).

     3. Sugary foods, liquids, drinks

It can seem like a nice idea to fill yourself with chocolate sauce and then make some poor unsuspecting bugger lick it out, but in reality, there are two reasons not to do this:

  1. Sugary foods feed bad bacteria
  2. Chocolate sauce is really hard to make sexy, because it’s too sticky and it makes everything a bit dry.

It’s ok to dribble sweet things on the outside every once in a while (wine, other types of less-viscous sauce), but don’t make a habit of inserting sugary foods inside your vagina.

     4. Anything poisonous (drugs, booze)

Your mucous membranes are raw, which means poison can be absorbed through the walls. There is a famous myth about teenage girls getting themselves drunk – and dying of alcohol poisoning – from vodka-soaked tampons.

You’d be better off sticking it up your bum if you wanted to get drunk, but keep in mind that the alcohol absorbed from the anal canal is even more toxic than the alcohol absorbed from the tampon: it is a recipe for alcohol poisoning because the booze goes straight into your bloodstream, instead of being filtered through your liver.

Don’t do it. Alcohol, without your liver to protect you, is poisonous. This goes for drugs too.

     5. Douching is bad news for your vag

If you need to douche, then you need something else – if your vagina really smells funny, there is a plethora of information on this site to help you figure out what’s wrong. Douching ruins vaginas. See the douching article for more information.

Got an item you want to check? Ask Aunt Vadge. She knows everything!

 

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.