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Hello Aunt Vadge,
My boyfriend is 23 and I’m 19. We’ve been having anal sex once a month for the last 3-4 months because I don’t want to lose my virginity, and I don’t feel we’re compatible enough for me to have sex with him.
I feel uncomfortable and in pain during anal sex, and I don’t even like it! What can I do to make him understand I don’t like anal — or can you suggest how to feel happy and comfortable with it, because I love him?
Regards,
Uncomfortable
Hello there Uncomfortable,
You’ve asked two things, so I’ll help with both. Quickly on the first: if you really don’t want anal sex, you never have to do it — pain and “I don’t even like it” are reasons enough on their own, and loving someone doesn’t oblige you to.
But I can hear that part of you wants to make it work, and the good thing is that anal sex really can be comfortable and pleasurable when it’s set up properly — what you’ve had so far simply hasn’t been, which is exactly why it’s hurt.
The single biggest thing is lubrication. Unlike the vagina, the anus makes no lubricant of its own and is naturally tight, so it needs a lot of lube — far more than you’d expect — on you, on his fingers, and on whatever is going in.
With condoms (a good idea for anal), use a water-based lube so you don’t weaken the latex; coconut oil is lovely and slippery but only without condoms. Skimping on lube is the number-one cause of the pain you’ve been having, so be generous and reapply often.
After lube, arousal and relaxation do half the work. The more turned on and relaxed you are, the more the muscles let go and open, so plenty of unhurried foreplay first — and never going in cold — is the difference between sore and good.
Build up slowly rather than going straight to penetration: gentle external touch, then one well-lubed finger, working up only as your body relaxes, with no rush and never pushing through pain.
Positions where you control the depth and pace put you in charge — spooning on your sides is one of the gentlest, and being on top lets you lower at exactly the speed and angle that feels okay. Having your clitoris stimulated at the same time helps you stay aroused and relaxed throughout, which keeps everything more open and comfortable.
The thread running through all of it is communication: he can’t feel what you feel, so you set the pace. Agree on a clear “pause” or “stop” beforehand, and use it the instant anything is too much — a good partner wants that feedback, not for you to grit your teeth through it.
Try all of the above and it should feel like a completely different experience. And if you do, and you still find it’s not for you, that’s just as valid — it’s absolutely fine to say “this isn’t something I enjoy” and explore other things together instead.
Either way, you’re the one in charge of how your body is touched. (And don’t give the virginity side another thought — virginity isn’t a physical thing you keep or lose.)
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised advice.
