Aunt Vadge: I only do anal with my boyfriend to stay a virgin, but it hurts

Hello Aunt Vadge,

My boyfriend is 23 and I am 19. We have been doing anal sex once a month for the last 3-4 months because I don’t want to lose my virginity, and I don’t find him compatible enough to have sex with me. So I feel uncomfortable and pain during anal sex, and I don’t even like to have it!

So what can I do to make him understand that I don’t like anal sex, or can you suggest to me how can I feel happy and comfortable from anal sex because I love him?

Thank you! 

Regards
Uncomfortable
_____

Hello there Uncomfortable,

I’d like to split this answer up into two sections, including addressing the contradiction you have presented.

We discuss what virginity means and doesn’t mean a bit more in this article, so check that out when you have a minute too.

The first part will address your comfort levels with your partner and what I consider to be a few communication/healthy relationship points, and the second will be some tips on how to make anal sex a smooth and enjoyable experience, whether you love someone or not. If you are going to be taking part in anal sex, it should not be uncomfortable for you!

Understanding a sexual experience as an intimate experience, independent of which hole is getting penetrated

Sex is something that I like to put under the umbrella term of ‘intimacy’. It allows me to see sex as not just penis-in-vagina sex, but also include things like anal sex, oral sex and any form of physical touching in a sexual way. When I think about intimacy, I think of all of the things that I need in order to feel safe, open and comfortable.

I need to have open and honest communication with my partner. I need to feel respected, and understood, and I need to make sure that I am honouring my own feelings every time I agree to perform a physical act. Something like anal sex requires a large amount of trust and respect between partners. Possibly even more so than penis-in-vagina sex.

There are two things that stand out to me here:

1. I’m worried that you’re repeatedly doing something with your body that you don’t feel comfortable doing. This is problematic as you are the owner of your body, and the only person in charge of your comfort and safety. If you do not feel comfortable doing something, you should not be doing it. You are allowed to say no to things. No amount of love is worth compromising what you are comfortable with.
2. I’m worried you’re not communicating these things to your partner. You’ve stated that you don’t feel the two of you are compatible enough to have penis in vagina sex, but then later you say you want to give him anal sex because you love him. I’m wondering if we include anal sex under the umbrella of intimacy if that changes anything? Opening your body to somebody in any capacity regardless of which hole the penis is entering should be done because you want it, you enjoy it and you feel comfortable doing so.

How to have better anal sex

Anal sex requires a serious amount of trust, communication and safety. Unlike a vagina, the anus is not a self-lubricating organ. It requires a lot of external lubrication. Things like water-based lubricating gel (so as not to affect the condom) is preferable. This can be lube that you buy from a sex shop, or you can even use coconut oil. A LOT of lube in the anal passage, as well as on fingers and the penis (or object) going inside. That is key. I cannot stress enough how important lube is.

Second, you need to be turned on. The more foreplay and excitement you feel, the more open and receptive your body will become. This will increase your pleasure, and minimise pain. Being relaxed makes your body open. An open body makes things slide in easier.

Thirdly, you need to communicate with your partner. He can’t feel what you feel; he can only feel his own body. If there’s too much pressure, say “PAUSE” and communicate what it is you need him to do. If it’s going too fast, ask him to slow down. If it is too painful, say stop, it hurts. You are the one opening your body to him, and you get to dictate exactly how that happens.

Positions are also important. You can mix it up. Sometimes spooning can be the most gentle way to perform anal sex. Have him gently stimulate your clitoris while he slowly plays with your anus. This gives you lots of power as well as you can change your position to allow more or less pressure as you desire.

It sounds to me like there needs to be a conversation had. There are so many sexual activities that can be enjoyed that don’t include anal sex or penis in vagina sex. Maybe you could say something like “I’m not enjoying having anal sex. It’s uncomfortable and has been quite painful in the past. Could we enjoy just making out and touching until I start to feel more comfortable exploring different options?” This expresses to your partner how you have been feeling, let’s your partner know you still find them attractive and desirable, but also states your boundaries.

If you want to talk about it more, write back.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge