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Hello Aunt Vadge,
I was diagnosed with localised vulvodynia two months ago. My boyfriend and I were dry humping when the severe pain started, and it hasn’t gone away since.
I blame myself and him for all this pain, because I haven’t had one second without it. I felt his penis and I was still wearing my underwear.
Can his penis injure a nerve, or can the friction from dry sex cause this condition? I read that vulvodynia may be caused by an injured nerve.
Thank you,
Injured
Dear Injured,
The most important thing I can tell you: this is not your fault, and it isn’t your boyfriend’s either. Please put that blame down.
Localised vulvodynia is a real and horrible pain condition, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. But dry humping through your underwear is very unlikely to have injured a nerve – you’d have to have done something far more forceful than that to damage nerve tissue. What’s much more likely is that the tendency was already there, sitting quietly, and that day just happened to be the moment it switched on. If it hadn’t been the dry humping, it might have surfaced with a tampon, or wiping after a wee, or some other small thing. The trigger is not the cause, so blaming the moment it started – or blaming yourselves – won’t get you anywhere useful.
Localised, provoked vulvodynia is often less about a damaged nerve and more about a pain system that has become over-sensitised, frequently alongside a tight, guarding pelvic floor. That’s actually good to know, because it points to what tends to help:
- a doctor or vulval-pain specialist to confirm the picture and talk through options
- a pelvic floor physiotherapist – one of the most effective things for provoked vulvodynia, and exactly the kind of hands-on work we don’t do here, so it’s worth seeking out
- gentle daily care in the meantime: no soap on the vulva, loose cotton underwear, avoid known irritants, and don’t push through activities that flare it
In some of the provoked-pain cases that reach me, there’s a low-grade microbiome disturbance underneath keeping the tissue too irritable to settle. It’s not the whole story, but it’s worth ruling out – a comprehensive vaginal microbiome test will tell you whether that’s part of your picture.
Have a read of our vulvodynia page for the fuller rundown, and be gentle with yourself while you work through it. For a lot of people this settles with the right help – it’s manageable, not a life sentence.
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
Best,
Aunt Vadge
