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Dear Aunt Vadge,
Recently my boyfriend and I went into a more intimate stage in our relationship. Yesterday he came over and fingered me, and he was rough and fast. (I’m still a virgin).
My vagina hurt at the moment but also felt good.
Later that day it was swollen and hurt when I sat down and when I went pee. Today he came back over and did it again harder and we dry humped too.
It hurt a lot but we kept going because I didn’t want to upset him.
And it’s currently hurting a lot, so much that I can barely move and I don’t know what to do.
Please help me.
Sincerely,
Poked
Hey there,
First, the reassurance: soreness and swelling after rough fingering is a friction injury, a bit like a sprained ankle. The skin has been overdone, so it swells and throbs, and it settles over a few days. You’ll be okay.
But there’s something in your letter I want to gently name first, because it matters more than the soreness.
Pain is a signal to stop
You said it hurt a lot and you kept going because you didn’t want to upset him. Pain during sex is a signal to stop – always. You’re allowed to say ‘that hurts, stop’, or ‘slower, softer’, at any point, for any reason, even if things are already happening. A partner who cares about you wants to know when he’s hurting you; he’d feel much worse knowing he’d caused this than hearing you ask him to ease up. It is never your job to put up with pain to keep someone happy. And if he doesn’t stop when you’re hurting, that’s a far bigger problem than a sore vulva.
Looking after it now
- Rest it. No more fingering (or anything) until it’s fully healed and pain-free.
- Cool it down. An icepack wrapped in a towel (never straight on the skin), or a cool bath, eases the throbbing.
- Be gentle when you wee. It may sting; dab rather than wipe. A little blood is okay, lots is not.
- Keep it simple. Rinse with just warm water, no soap on the sore skin.
- Painkiller. A regular anti-inflammatory can help if you have some.
When to get it checked
You don’t have to tell anyone for ordinary soreness that’s healing. But if it gets worse instead of better – heavy bleeding, pain so bad you can’t wee (or you can’t pass urine at all), no sign of healing after four or five days, or you feel unwell with spreading redness, pus or a fever – please get seen by a doctor or a sexual health clinic. They’re used to this, they won’t judge you, and clinics can keep it confidential. Getting looked after matters more than keeping it private.
When you’re both ready, reading up together helps – fingering basics and our guide to pain after fingering are good starting points, so next time it feels good instead of leaving you unable to move.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information and not a substitute for in-person care. If pain is severe, bleeding is heavy, or things aren’t healing, see a doctor or a sexual health clinic – they can help you confidentially.
