Dear Aunt Vadge,
Recently my boyfriend (17) and I (15) went in a more intimate stage in our relationship. Yesterday he came over and fingered me, and he was rough and fast. (I’m still a virgin).
My vagina (it) hurt at the moment but also felt good. Later that day it was swollen and hurt when I sat down and when I went pee. Today he came back over and did it again harder and we dry humped too. It hurt a lot but we kept going because I didn’t want to upset him. And it’s currently hurting a lot, so much that I can barely move and I don’t know what to do.
Please help me. I’m only 15 and my mom doesn’t know.
Thanks for your email. Don’t worry – you will be just fine!
Your vagina is sore because you have allowed damage to be done to it by your boyfriend’s fingers, but it will repair itself after a few days, with some pain or soreness up to a week later.
If you end up like this, or in any pain at all during or after your sexual encounters with your boyfriend (or yourself for that matter), you are doing it all wrong. I want you and your boyfriend to go to the links at the end of this page and read the articles together, and learn how to use fingers and learn about sex more comprehensively. This can’t happen again.
Your boyfriend and you both need to learn how to do other things that you like – and communicate properly – including oral sex, which is much gentler than getting jabbed with a finger – tongues are impossible to get hurt with. Fingering is advanced sex, and honestly, it hardly ever feels very good unless your lover knows what they’re doing, which takes a lot of practice and patience. Damage is really common. For some reason teenage boys think every girl is dying to be fingered really hard and fast, and it really isn’t it. Ask any woman of any age – you’ll get the same eye-roll!
It is not your job to appease your boyfriend because you ‘didn’t want to upset him’ – that’s the wrong way of thinking about it. He isn’t fingering you because he likes it; he’s fingering you because you’re supposed to like it. Why would he get upset if you told him he was hurting you and to stop altogether, or if it wasn’t hurting, to slow down, ease up, and use some lube if you needed? It’s ok to ask for what you need. You are not a receptacle to be poked. Learn how to ask for what you need, and you will be a much better lover, because you will know what you like, and how to ask for it. You will have much better sex than the girls who end up unable to walk the next day because she didn’t speak up. Don’t be that girl. Sex is supposed to feel good.
If we reverse the roles here, and you were wanking him off and you were hurting him, but he acted like he liked it because he didn’t want to upset you, how horrible would you feel? It would be more embarrassing for him to know he was hurting you and that you didn’t like it, than for you to say ‘hey can we try it softer/gentler/slower/this way/that way?’. Sex is supposed to feel good, not land you on bedrest.
Additionally, there are other activities that feel way better and never hurt, with good fingerings to come much later. There is no need to talk to your mother or anyone else unless you start to have a really bad reaction, like you are in excruciating pain, it starts to bleed a lot or it doesn’t heal and stop hurting after four or five days.
What’s happening to your vagina is the same as when you sprain your ankle – the damaged area swells up with blood and throbs and aches until it starts to heal, and then it goes back to normal. You can do what you might do with a sprained ankle: put an icepack covered with a towel (important so you don’t get cold burns from the ice pack) on the outside to cool it down and reduce the throbbing, take some anti-inflammatory painkillers if you have some around, or take a cool bath.
Avoid wiping too much when you urinate (you can just dab it with a damp or dry cloth or tissue – try to avoid any thin toilet paper that might get stuck) although it might sting when you pee for a bit. This is normal. Some blood may also come out, but it shouldn’t be copious or flowing. Your vulva may be a bit swollen.
Avoid touching your vagina at all (so no more fingering!) until it’s healed and you can’t feel any pain at all when you try it out with your own finger, unless of course you get your period, which may be painful this time since you will be touching your vagina a bit more than usual with tampons or pads. You may wish to use pads to avoid irritation of the inside of your vagina.
Keep the area clean, but don’t worry too much about being fastidious about cleanliness while it is healing, as washing it may really hurt. Just rinse your vulva with warm water and your hand. Soap is likely to sting, so just avoid it altogether. Nothing bad will happen and you won’t smell, don’t worry. If you do feel like you need to use some soap, use the tiniest little bit on your finger and slide it between your inner and outer labia. Keep the water warm, but not too hot or cold.
You will be fine. If you get stuck or have any more questions, write back to me. I am very happy to help you anytime with your sex or vag questions.