Helping a partner who was sexually abused with sex

Author: Aunt Vadge
Qualified Naturopath | BHSc(N)

Last reviewed: July 1, 2026

Dear Aunt Vadge,

My girlfriend was sexually abused and is still a little wary of men and touch, but she’s very keen on having a normal sex life. Do you know any ways I can help, and make myself and sex feel less intimidating?

Yours,
Worried
USA

Dear Worried,

What a caring question. The fact that you’re asking it at all tells me your girlfriend is in kind hands. The thing to understand first is that your challenge right now isn’t sex – it’s trust. Good sex grows out of feeling safe with someone, and after abuse that safety has to be rebuilt slowly and patiently.

Build trust before anything else

Spend time simply learning each other – snuggling, talking, making each other laugh, being close without it leading anywhere. This isn’t lesser than ‘real’ sex; it’s the foundation. When someone knows for certain that if they say stop, you stop – every single time – their body can begin to relax.

Go slowly, and let there be false starts, awkwardness and hiccups. Move through those with warmth and humour rather than pressure. Your job is her comfort and pleasure, and letting her feel that it’s really about her changes everything.

For a while, you might leave the obvious sexual areas alone entirely and focus on the rest of her – her back, her hands, her feet – showing her you enjoy all of her, not just the sexual parts.

Take the goal out of it

So much of how we’re taught to think about sex is a fixed sequence heading towards penetration. Dropping that helps enormously. One gentle idea is a scoring game – cards, or anything with a winner – where each win earns a small, agreed request for 30 seconds: ‘massage my head’, ‘listen to my heartbeat’. Nothing anyone doesn’t want, nothing building towards a ‘prize’ of sex. The fun is the point, and along the way you both learn what feels good and what doesn’t.

Getting comfortable being naked together without it meaning sex helps too – just being bare and relaxed in each other’s company takes the pressure off and eases body shame.

Go gently on penetration

Penetrative sex can be very confronting and triggering after abuse, so it’s wise to keep it off the table for a good while, even if she says she wants to rush towards ‘normal’. She may feel a pull to ‘please’ you – gently make it clear she never has to. A ‘normal sex life’ isn’t a fixed destination; every couple’s intimacy is its own thing, and penetration is only one small part of a much bigger picture.

Get proper support – for both of you

This is the important one. Trauma is not something to work through alone, and a trauma-informed psychologist can help your girlfriend reclaim her body and her sense of safety in a way no partner can. Reclaiming takes time, and it happens in its own rhythm, not on a schedule.

Look after yourself too – caring for someone who is healing can be hard, and asking for your own support when you need it is part of doing this well. Encourage her to reach out to survivor resources when she’s ready; in the USA, RAINN can connect her with trained, confidential support.

Treat her not as a victim but as the strong person she is, and take your cues from her. You’re starting from exactly the right place: you care.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

This is general information and support, not a substitute for personalised medical or psychological advice.