Aunt Vadge: I am confused about the consequences of fingering. Help!

Confused about fingering

Hi Aunt Vadge,

Me and my boyfriend were fooling around, and he fingered me, and I gave him a handjob. It felt very painful after the first time that he fingered me, because I have not inserted anything into my vagina until then. After some time, he fingered me again, at least 10 times. All the times that he fingered me, it was painful at the start, then later for a while it was enjoyable. I felt that he was doing it a little hard, but I didn’t stop him.

Then later we cleaned up everything and went to our respective homes. I had severe back pain on the same day of the fingering and slept for two hours.When I got up my back pain was gone, but my vagina was painful. My vagina was also painful the next day. 

In the morning (today) when I went to pee I got white discharge with blood in it then later it was bleeding a little without white discharge for few minutes (might have been  5-10 minutes). Now also my vagina is painful but I am not bleeding anymore. Usually my vagina will be wet, but now it doesn’t feel wet.

I don’t know what to do. Will I get pregnant? Will my vagina will be normal? Like how it was before I was fingered? How many days will my vagina bleed? (I still have eight days left until  I get my period. Sometimes my periods will be on time but sometimes one week or 10 days late).

Will this fingering affect my periods or my day-to-day life? This is the first time I have been fingered by my boyfriend. I have never done anything before this (not fingering, not even anything and also not even a kiss). But I used to rub my vagina with a pillow, which feels good for me. I am 22 years old.

I am very much concerned about what has happened. I hope it will not be a problem for me. I hope I will get the solution for all my questions as soon as possible…  I will be awaiting your reply.

Signed,
Worried

______

Hi Worried,

Thank you for writing to us with your worries – we are very happy to hear from you. First of all, you are completely fine – your vagina will heal, you are not pregnant, and nothing will be affected by you being fingered by your boyfriend. Your vagina will heal quickly, in days, and the bleeding will stop.

Your back pain was possibly caused by the inflammation of nerves that share that area. The same reason you might get a back ache when you are near your period may also explain why after a lot (a LOT!) of fingering, your vaginal canal was inflamed and that sent your other nerves into a tailspin.

Here’s why:

1. When you bleed during or after fingering, it means some damage has been done to your vaginal tissue.

This happens pretty commonly, but it is not what you want to be happening. Keep in mind, however, that this is very minor damage and will quickly heal without a scar or lasting damage.

To prevent this, you need to ask your boyfriend to be more gentle with your vagina – go slow, be gentle, and discover together what feels good. Maybe stop fingering for the time being, and focus on other things that feel good like oral sex – it is much more like the pillow you already use! Get him to read this article about how to use fingers to pleasure a woman.

Fingering a girl properly is actually very hard to do well, so instead of your boyfriend fingering you, it’s about time you started fingering yourself to see what you like. Masturbate on your own,  and try out different ways to see what you like, and then share that information with your boyfriend.

Sex and fingering and oral sex and touching should all feel good, not painful, and not cause bleeding. If it hurts, don’t do it. Ask your boyfriend to try something else, and tell him all the time (even if it seems stupid) if it feels good, if it hurts, if it’s uncomfortable, if you like it or don’t like it, and get him to do the same when you touch his body. This way you can both learn what feels good to you both. Every single woman on earth likes different things, so just jamming a finger in a vagina is not going to feel good, and is not the way to have a good sexual experience.

Importantly, your sexuality is yours, and you need to learn about your own body because if you don’t know how to touch yourself, how can you expect someone else to know what to do? Become an expert in your body, your sexuality and don’t leave it up to your  boyfriend to figure out by himself. He won’t ever get it right without help from you. This means experimenting with your body, your vagina and sex. Try everything!

2. You can’t get pregnant from being fingered

Sperm has to come from the man’s penis when he ejaculates, into your vagina, when you are fertile. If you don’t know when you ovulate, you need to start charting your cycles to get some idea and learn, because it is probably the single most important part of your entire cycle, and you should know when it is happening.

If you have a smartphone, you can use an app like PeriodTracker for free, or just write down the date you get every period on a piece of paper or in a diary, then learn about ovulation (this is the five or so days when you can get pregnant in the middle of your cycle, and it is different for every woman, every month).

If you are going to be having sex with your boyfriend, you need to protect yourself NOW from pregnancy, by organising your birth control before the sex happens. Do not leave this to chance or let it be mysterious to you.

Go to your local sexual health clinic (there should be a free one in your area) or doctor and ask them to help you to prepare for sexual activity with birth control. There are lots of options, so check out our article on choosing the right birth control for you, and see all the options on the birth control section of this site.

Don’t put your boyfriend’s penis inside your vagina without birth control! You do not want to get pregnant to your first sexual partner – that will not be fun. If you have sex before you get to the clinic, insist your boyfriend wear a condom, which you can buy at a chemist/pharmacy or even at the supermarket depending on where you live. There are lots of different types.

You also need to be careful of sexually transmitted infections, which  you don’t tend to get from fingering, but you can definitely catch from a penis and semen. If you and your boyfriend have been tested for STIs recently, and you are on another form of birth control, condoms are optional and at your preference. BUT don’t risk anything without knowing all the facts. Talk to your sexual health clinic and ask them everything. They will help you.

3. Putting things into your vagina does not cause any effects to your menstrual cycle at all

It will not interfere with anything in your body. It is a physical activity, whereas your periods and menstrual cycle are run by hormones and chemicals. They are not related to each other at all in this respect.

Thanks again for writing, and if you have any more questions, please write back to us! You sound like you could use some more guidance, so feel free to get in touch. We are here to help you.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge