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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I apologise if this has been answered elsewhere, but I haven’t seen it and wanted to know what’s wrong with me.
I’m 21 and have been sexually active since a young age. The idea of sex kind of turns me on, but I don’t get wet when I’m trying to have sex – only after someone goes down on me.
I’ve been with my boyfriend about two years. I love him and I’m attracted to him, and he’s good in bed and always makes me orgasm through foreplay.
I don’t get wet unless a man or woman goes down on me, no matter how much kissing and touching happens. Sometimes I want sex, most times I don’t, and even when I do, I don’t get wet or feel that turned-on throbbing I used to.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I feel ashamed of my sexual past, or because I’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times. Other than that I don’t know. Please help – my boyfriend is getting very frustrated.
Yours,
Whet
Dear Whet,
The first and most important thing: there is nothing wrong with you. Getting reliably aroused and wet from oral sex, and less so from anticipation or penetration, is a real and common way for bodies to work. It’s a wiring and a preference, not a fault. Your boyfriend loves you, you’re attracted to him, and he can already get you off – that’s a good sexual connection, not a broken one.
I want to gently pick up the part you mentioned almost in passing, because it matters far more than the wetness question. You’ve been sexually assaulted more than once, and you’re carrying shame about your past. I’m so sorry that happened to you. None of it was your fault, and there is nothing about your sexual history to be ashamed of.
Trauma and arousal are closely linked. It’s entirely possible your body has learned to hold its arousal back around penetration or anticipation – a protective reflex – while oral sex, which feels safe and good, slips past that guard. It’s also possible this is simply how you’re built. You can’t tell which from the inside, and that is exactly the kind of thing a trauma-informed therapist can help you gently untangle, at your own pace.
If you can, please reach out to someone who works specifically with sexual trauma – a psychologist or counsellor. There are also confidential sexual assault support services in most countries that are free, and that won’t make you report anything or do anything you’re not ready for. If you tell me where you are, I’ll point you to the right one. Do this for you and for future-you, not to fix yourself for anyone else – unpacking assault tends to help a whole life, not just a sex life.
Lower desire and that missing throbbing feeling can also have ordinary causes – stress, the pressure you’re under right now, some medications, hormones – so if it lingers it’s worth a mention to a doctor too. No alarm, no rush.
With your boyfriend, the kindest version of this is a calm conversation, not a performance he’s owed. Tell him what you’ve told me: that oral is what works for you, that you might be carrying some effects of the assaults, and that you don’t fully know yet. A partner worth keeping meets that with patience and gets creative alongside you, rather than frustrated at you. There are countless ways to have a great sex life together, and penetration is only one of them. Plenty of lubricant helps comfort whenever you do want penetration, and takes the pressure off getting wet on cue.
You clearly know your body and what you like, and that’s a strength. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend.
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical or psychological advice. Sexual assault is a heavy thing to carry, and you don’t have to carry it alone – if you’d like, tell me where you are and I’ll help you find the right confidential support.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
