Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Dear Aunt Vadge,
Last night my boyfriend fingered me on top of my clothing, where my urethra is. It was painful, but I was enjoying it. This was the first time I’d done anything since being sexually assaulted last June (not by my boyfriend). Yesterday was also the day my period ended.
After he was done I went to the bathroom, and it stung to pee and I was bleeding. This morning I checked and it’s red and swollen and still hurts a lot – sore even lying down, sitting or walking, and it stings when I pee. I don’t want to tell my parents or a doctor.
Do you think the pain and swelling will go away on its own within a couple of days? Any suggestions? I’m 18 and a virgin.
Sincerely,
Pained
Age: 18
Country: United States
Dear Pained,
First, I’m so sorry you were assaulted. None of that was your fault, and reopening the door to intimacy afterwards can be really hard – it’s completely understandable if sex and touch feel complicated now. If you ever want to talk to someone, a confidential sexual assault support service can help you work through it at your own pace, with no pressure and no need to involve anyone you don’t want to.
Now to what happened last night. The most important thing to know is that sex, fingering, any of it, should not hurt. Rubbing your vulva through clothing can be surprisingly rough – the fabric is dry and firm, and it can graze and damage the delicate skin, which is what seems to have happened here.
My rule for you: never let anything carry on during sex if it’s causing you pain. There are so many ways to feel good, and pain is a signal that something’s wrong and your skin is getting hurt. You’re always allowed to say stop.
Sit down with your boyfriend and read Sex 101, fingering basics, and our guide to cunnilingus, and look at the diagrams in Vag Basics so you both understand your anatomy. None of us is taught how to touch a vagina well, and it doesn’t matter how many he’s touched before – he doesn’t know yours, so it’s worth learning together. It has to feel good, or it isn’t really sex.
One thing to point out: your urethra (your pee-hole) isn’t an erogenous zone, and it’s delicate, so it’s best left alone during sex. It sounds like he was aiming for your clitoris and landed in the wrong spot. With a bit of shared reading and your guidance, that’s an easy fix.
For the soreness right now, a minor graze like this usually calms down within a few days. Our guide on how to deal with cuts and tears from fingering walks you through soothing it and what to expect. Be gentle with the area, wear soft cotton, and skip any more friction until it’s healed.
One safety note, because you mentioned stinging when you pee and some bleeding. If that stinging or bleeding is still going on after a day or two, or you develop a fever, can’t pass urine, or the swelling gets worse rather than better, please get it looked at – that combination can point to a urine infection or a deeper graze that needs a little help. A sexual health clinic is a confidential option, and you don’t have to involve your parents to be seen.
Write any time.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
