Aunt Vadge: Pain after fingering

Hi Aunt Vadge,

I have a little problem. I let a guy finger me, I was still a virgin and I told him this and not to go too deep. He obliged, but was really rough, and after a while, it started to hurt, because of friction – I think I wasn’t wet enough or something. We did this for two days, and on the second day I asked him to stop.

This was two days ago. There was no blood when he was finished, although I was a little sore afterwards. Today I felt kinda funny down there.

Kinda like how I feel right before I get my period. So I checked it today, in front of a mirror, and I noticed I was wider than usual, but there was no blood. About 10 minutes later, I went to check again because the feeling was getting worse, and there it was, a little clump of fresh blood right outside my vagina.

I cleaned it up, and looked inside (just to check if it was my period, which is not due for another 17 days), but there was no blood that I could see ready to come out. That was about twenty minutes ago.

I felt wetter down there, and more uncomfortable, so I used a tissue to wipe, and when I checked it, there were more clumps of blood. I don’t know what’s happening. Did my hymen break from all the strain? Is that why I’m getting stage-by-stage bleeding?

My hymen is a little deep inside, I can put my whole finger in there, and a whole pencil as well, before I feel any obstruction, and I don’t think he could have broken my hymen without me knowing, I mean, I’m sure I would have felt it.

Please help me know more about what’s happening.

Thanks,
Fingered

_______

Dear Fingered,

Thank you for your lovely letter. Your question brings up many valuable talking points, the first being that you felt like the gentleman fingering you was a bit rough. I’m sorry to hear that – a sore vagina isn’t much fun.

The golden vagina rule is, if something hurts, change what you’re doing or how you’re doing it. Sex – including fingering – is supposed to feel good, not hurt. If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong.

So here’s your lesson

You are there to teach this young man how to touch you, to make sure he knows what feels good and what doesn’t, because he doesn’t know. I’m fairly sure unless he is a psychopath that he would never want to hurt you, so if he is, he is probably feeling lost, so teach him! What’s better is both of you sit down and together read this guide for guys on how to pleasure a woman using fingers. It’s a complicated business.

Think of it as an educational activity whereby you school this young man on how to touch a lady, so every girl he ever touches after you enjoys it. Consider it one of your many contributions to the world.

Being a good lover means talking. Lots. 

Everyone wants to be the world’s greatest lover, but you can’t become a skilled lover until you learn how to talk about what you like and how you like it, and find out what he (being the gentleman of your choice) likes and how he likes it. You could end up one of those girls always faking it because you were too scared to speak up. Don’t be that girl.

He is fingering you because it is supposed to make you feel good, not because he likes it.You’ll find that he likes it if you like it. If you don’t like it, what’s the point? His finger isn’t any better off. 

How to find out what you like

There are two ways to find out what you like: touch yourself, or get someone else – under direction – to touch you. It’s fun, weird and educational to do both.

Your prognosis

In terms of the damage you have allowed his fingers to do, it will heal. Give it a few days – vaginas tend to heal quickly. If the bleeding continues for more than 24 hours, you are in pain, or it doesn’t seem to be healing, please see a doctor to be examined.

You weren’t touching your hymen – it is long gone

Your hymen is one of life’s great unknowns and by the time you reach 14, may not even exist anymore. If you use tampons during your period, have been fingered and can stick a pencil inside of your vagina, your hymen is well and truly gone. You are probably hitting your cervix at the end of your vagina.

A hymen is a piece of flesh that covers the vagina opening, and is not, contrary to popular belief, inside the vagina. It is left over from childhood and is easily broken by riding a bike, using tampons and a million other activities. Don’t fret about it because you’ll never know! Read about hymens here, check out the vag basics and examine some diagrams to see what your insides look like, and look at our sexuality section. Read our article on healing vaginal and vulvar cuts and tears if you get stuck.

Darling, your beautiful vagina will be just fine.

Love,
Aunt Vadge