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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I’m a 35-year-old virgin – not waiting for marriage, just for someone decent. I had a boyfriend for five months; he gave me oral for the first time and it felt great. We broke up, but I’m thinking about getting back together to have sex.
Some background: I’m BRCA1 positive (found at 24) and have frozen my eggs for IVF. During that process I had a transvaginal ultrasound – the probe going in hurt so much I yelled for them to stop, and it traumatised me. I thought sex would feel like that.
Since my egg-retrieval surgery I can now tolerate a transvaginal exam – there’s pressure and some discomfort, but I cope. I’ve masturbated for years. The doctors recommend a salpingo-oophorectomy at 35 to 40 with HRT so I don’t go into surgical menopause.
So I’m nervous about first-time sex and whether it’ll hurt. Can it actually be pleasurable – if not the first time, then eventually? Second: if I get back with my ex, is it safe to give him a blowjob without a condom, since we’ve both been tested?
I’d want him to wear a flavoured one – I don’t want cum in my mouth.
Thanks!
Curious
Age 35, USA
Hello Curious,
Yes – sex can absolutely be pleasurable, including for you, and the most important thing to say up front is that it should not feel like that ultrasound. The reason the probe hurt so much is the one ingredient that was missing: arousal.
When you’re turned on, your whole clitoral structure engorges and your vagina lengthens and relaxes to welcome penetration, whereas a cold probe, with none of that, is the exact opposite experience. So your nerves make complete sense – but first-time sex, taken slow and properly aroused, is a different thing entirely.
That yell-and-clench at the probe is really common, and it has a name: the pelvic-floor muscles can tighten protectively against penetration, sometimes called vaginismus, especially after a painful or frightening experience down there. It’s not in your head, it’s not your fault, and it’s not permanent – and it’s very treatable.
A pelvic-floor physiotherapist, or a sexual-medicine or psychosexual clinician, can help you teach those muscles to relax, usually alongside gentle graded practice, and given the trauma you describe, this is really worth doing before or alongside trying with a partner. For a lot of people it changes everything. (If even a tampon has always been painful, our piece on painful tampon insertion may resonate.)
You already know your own body and what gives you pleasure, which is a huge head start. To get comfortable with penetration, two tools work well – graduated vaginal trainers (dilators), made exactly for easing into penetration by starting small and working up, or a body-safe silicone (not hard plastic) dildo in a modest size you can size up from later.
Go slow, use plenty of lube, and only once you’re properly turned on, because an aroused, engorged body receives penetration completely differently from a tense one. Your clitoris is much bigger than you think and needs to be ‘erect’, like a penis, for penetration to feel good – that’s the whole difference between a clinical exam and good sex – so experiment with positions and depth, notice what feels good, and if anything hurts, stop, because pain is a signal to pause, not push through.
Once penetration feels good on your own and you’re actually looking forward to it, that’s the time to call your ex (or whoever the right person turns out to be): you’ll know what you’re in for, you can stay in control of depth and pace (a position where you’re on top lets you set both), and communication is everything – tell them what feels good, what doesn’t, and when to slow down or stop.
The right partner will want that.
On the oral sex question: if you’ve both tested clear of STIs and neither of you has had other partners since, the risk is lower, but a couple of things aren’t usually on a standard panel and can be symptomless – herpes and HPV, for instance, can pass on through oral sex – so a flavoured condom is a really good call, lowering that risk and neatly solving your ‘no cum in my mouth’ preference, win-win (and if either of you has had other partners since your last tests, get re-tested first).
One last thing: you’re clearly proactive about your health, which is wonderful, so keep the conversation about the salpingo-oophorectomy and HRT going with your specialist team, since that’s their area. You’re going to be just fine – pleasure is absolutely available to you, on your own terms, at your own pace.
Happy lusting!
Aunt Vadge
This is general information based on current research, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
