Dear Aunt Vadge,
I need some tips and advice. Yesterday me and my boyfriend planned to have sex for first time for both. He is alright, but I’m too scared of breaking my hymen, although I have read lots of articles about first sex.
When he just touched his penis to my vagina a little deeply, it hurts me. So we stopped (we both are wet). And again. So I asked him to stop, as it hurts me. Also I’m too worried whether it’s the right place or it will hurt my clitoris. So please Aunt Vadge, I need your advise on how to insert and where to insert, more so I need to know it is the right place. With the stuff we did, I had a little pain on my inner labia also (I think it is because it was the wrong place).
Country/Area: United Arab Emirates
I can understand your fear! Pain is not fun.
I would recommend that you, either by yourself or with your boyfriend, carefully and gently stretch out your hymen so it doesn’t hurt. You can do small stretching exercises every day, by yourself, over the course of about two weeks or so, and make it so your vagina doesn’t hurt when anything goes near it.
Your hymen is a membrane – a thin piece of skin that has blood vessels and can feel pain – that covers very close to the entrance of your vagina. When your boyfriend, or you, pushes something against it, it hurts because it is stretching. Some hymens are really thick, and some are really thin, but once it’s stretched out, it will never hurt you again.
I don’t know if it’s an option for you, but you can also go to the doctor and ask them to make a small cut, like a slit, on your hymen, so that it’s open – problem solved. Then it’s just a matter of stretching the edges out so your vagina is opened and ready for tampons, fingers, toys, and penises. There are more instructions at the bottom of our hymen article.
If you are in control of the stretching procedure, you can do only what feels ok to you. I suggest you take some time when you are alone to get to know your vagina and hymen – get a torch, and your smartphone or digital camera, and take a good photograph of it and bring it up on your computer. This is so that you can see what you are dealing with, and what needs to happen. It’s really hard to know what you are doing when you don’t know what your vulva and vagina looks like.
The only way to stop being scared of sex is to get to know your vagina and vulva, with your own hands. Then you can help your boyfriend know where to touch you, and stop being afraid.
Starting out with sex is really clumsy, and stretching your hymen out so it doesn’t bother you anymore is step one. Go and check out Vag Basics and look at all the diagrams there of vaginas, vulvas, the clitoris and your labia. See which angle you need to be on, see where everything sits, then sit down and poke around. Name every piece of your vulva and vagina as you find it with your fingers, and maybe do this with your boyfriend too, in a non-sexual way.
Vaginas and vulvas can seem very mysterious, so getting to know yours is really important for a good sex life.