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Dear Aunt Vadge,
I need some tips and advice. My boyfriend and I planned to have sex for the first time for both of us. He’s lovely, but I’m scared of breaking my hymen, even though I’ve read lots of articles about first-time sex.
When he pressed his penis a little deeply against my vagina, it hurt, so we stopped (we were both wet). We tried again and I asked him to stop, because it hurt. I’m also worried about whether it’s the right place, or whether it might hurt my clitoris. I had a little pain on my inner labia too – I think because it was the wrong spot. Please help.
Yours,
Scared
United Arab Emirates
Dear Scared,
First, the reassuring part: your hymen doesn’t ‘break’. It’s a thin, stretchy rim of tissue just inside the vaginal entrance, and over time it stretches rather than snaps – plenty of people never bleed at all. The pain you felt is your body asking you to slow down, not a sign that anything is wrong with you.
When you’re nervous, the muscles around the entrance tighten without you meaning to, and that makes everything feel sorer and tighter. Going slowly, being really aroused first, and using plenty of lube makes an enormous difference.
Getting comfortable, gently
If penetration feels tight or sore, you can help your body get used to it over a couple of weeks. With clean hands and plenty of lube, gently ease a fingertip (or a small dilator) only as far as feels comfortable, a little each day. Never push into pain – comfortable and slow is the whole point.
There are step-by-step notes at the bottom of our hymen article.
Getting to know where everything sits
Take a private, relaxed moment with a mirror and have a proper look. The vaginal opening sits below the urethra and well below the clitoris, so a bit of pain at your inner labia usually just means the angle was off, not that anything is damaged.
Once you can see and feel where everything is, it’s much easier to guide your boyfriend, and far less scary. You can explore together too, in a relaxed, non-sexual way, just naming the parts as you find them.
How this affects your vagina
Nothing here is harming your vagina. A tense, dry first attempt can leave you a little sore, but once you’re relaxed, aroused and well lubricated, the tissue stretches comfortably and that soreness settles.
You almost certainly don’t need any surgery. Very occasionally a doctor can help if a hymen is unusually thick or rigid, but that’s rare and a last resort – gentle stretching over time sorts it out for nearly everyone.
Take your time, there’s absolutely no rush, and write any time.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
