Aunt Vadge: I’m so tight, I can’t have sex with my new husband – help!

Hi Aunt Vadge, 

So I recently got married (about three weeks ago) and waited until marriage to have sex due to religious reasons, but have been unable to have sex due to it being painful.

My husband is very reassuring and keeps reminding me that there’s no rush, but it’s making me insecure. He has fingered me and we both get very turned on, but he can only insert one finger easily, and when he tries to insert two fingers it is a little painful so he stops straight away.

He always tells me that I’m very tense and need to ease up, so how shall I relax myself sexually? He also said that I’m very tight and maybe I should see a doctor in terms of stretching out my vagina a little bit.

I want us to have sex soon so we can enjoy each other in that way, but every time he tries inserting his penis it’s like my vagina stops him from entering and he immediately stops, saying it will hurt me and he doesn’t want to tear my hymen. I’m very confused and don’t know what to do!

Hello Tight,

So there could be a number of things going on. There could be an anatomical abnormality like a horizontal or vertical septum, or a very thick, fibrous hymen that has just a small hole in it, but is otherwise blocking your vaginal entrance.

The hymen stretches out, but it also contains blood vessels and nerves, so can cause a lot of issues if it doesn’t stretch out prior to penetration. To rule out any of these issues, it would be very wise to go and be examined by a doctor to make sure you are not going to hurt yourself by trying to have sex.

If you do have a blockage of some kind, that can be treated, including opening a hymen that is causing a problem.

On the more serious side off anatomical abnormalities might be a small or short vagina, but a more common abnormality is a septum, which is a piece of flesh left over from when you were ‘put together’ in the womb that either runs vertically from top to bottom in your vagina, or across, causing a blockage. These septa can be easily removed with no adverse impacts at all.

If your doctor comes back saying you look completely normal, there are definitely options for you which typically include practising and use of dilators to get your vagina used to having something inside off it, causing pleasure, not pain. Learning about your vagina takes time, and your husband sounds lovely – pain is not what sex is about, so taking your time, learning about your body, is key to getting the most out of sex.

Try to keep insecurity out of your sex life simply because feeling anxious is not an aphrodisiac, and will make you more tense! Understand that your body is unique, and needs to be learnt, one touch at a time – we all have to do this.

Our bodies are all a bit different, and need to be cajoled and caressed into the right shapes, and finding out what your body needs is part of your journey into sex. Getting it right now means a lifetime of good sex, so do go slow.

If you’re enjoying one finger, and it’s turning you on, that’s awesome. I’m wondering if a really gentle process of stretching the vagina might be beneficial for you.

A lot of women opt for using silicone dilators that you can buy from sex shops. They come as a kit and have different sizes. Start small, using the one that feels the most comfortable for your vagina.

Insert it, play with it (you can even get your husband involved in this, too). Once you’re comfortable with that size, you can try gently going up a size.

Start slow, use lube and insert it in increments so as not to overwhelm yourself or your vagina. Take deep gentle breaths, and be as slow as you like. It might be that you stay on the one size for a week, but be sure to stick with the activity for at least 10-15 minutes every day.

It will be a great exercise in allowing your vagina to open up and build up stamina. If the pain continues, it would be best to see another doctor, since that is abnormal and you need to find the cause.


Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge