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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I recently got married (about three weeks ago) and waited until marriage to have sex for religious reasons, but we haven’t been able to because it’s painful. My husband is very reassuring and keeps saying there’s no rush, but it’s making me insecure.
He has fingered me and we both get very turned on, but he can only insert one finger easily; when he tries two it’s a little painful so he stops straight away. He says I’m very tense and need to ease up – how can I relax myself sexually?
He also said I’m very tight and maybe I should see a doctor about stretching my vagina a little.
Yours,
Newlywed
Dear Newlywed,
Congratulations on your marriage – and please don’t let this knock your confidence, because what you’re describing is extremely common and very treatable, and it isn’t a sign that anything is physically wrong with you.
The picture fits vaginismus: when penetration is anticipated, the pelvic-floor muscles around the vaginal entrance tighten involuntarily, which makes a second finger or more feel painfully tight and “blocked” even though you’re aroused and willing.
It’s not that your vagina is too small or needs to be surgically “stretched” – your husband’s suggestion there is well-meaning but off the mark – it’s that the muscles are guarding, and the fix is gentle retraining, not stretching.
A few things will help. First, your husband is right that there’s no rush, and that matters more than it sounds: the pressure to “perform” actually tightens those muscles further, so taking penetration off the to-do list for now really does relax things.
Second, build up gradually and on your own terms – keep enjoying arousal and one comfortable finger, then progress slowly to two, or to small graded dilators, never pushing into pain, so your body learns at its own pace that this is safe.
Plenty of lubricant throughout helps a lot. Third, the single most effective step for vaginismus is a pelvic-floor physiotherapist (sometimes alongside a psychosexual therapist): they’re experts at teaching the pelvic floor to relax and at desensitising the response, and they resolve this for the great majority of people.
Waiting until marriage and then meeting pain can also bring a layer of anxiety that feeds the tightening, so being kind to yourself – and leaning on your reassuring husband rather than feeling you’ve failed – is part of the treatment too.
You’re not broken and you’re not alone in this; it’s a known, named, fixable thing, and with gentle retraining you’ll get there.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
