Navigating Orgasm Challenges in Relationships

Hi Aunt Vadge,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask, and this is a long one, but I need help! Long story short, my boyfriend that I love so much and have been with for a long time, is upset because he finds it difficult to make me come.

Which makes me upset and angry at myself for not coming! I’ve found that the easiest way for me to come is through oral sex, I’ve never had an orgasm through vaginal sex alone which I’ve learnt is common.

We have used toys before which have done the job but he feels are a bit of an insult to him, because he feels like he ‘isn’t doing his job’. I have said to him that I don’t mind not reaching ‘the big O’ because the sex is so enjoyable but he seems to mind so much.

That being said, he doesn’t try to make me orgasm that often and seems more focused on getting himself to the finish line. He’s told me he feels selfish because of that – I kind of agree but is there a way to agree without hurting his feelings?

If he ever does go down on me it feels unwilling, even though I wax and wash regularly, he’s criticised the hair down there before, during this, which of course made it harder to orgasm because I felt like he didn’t want to and so I sort of felt sorry for him!

He’s said he would rather be inside me than go down on me and I can see why because that’s more pleasure for him. But that makes me feel insecure about myself, like he doesn’t want to go down on me.

I think the orgasm is more of a mental process to be honest, and the key is his persistence and patience and him being more responsive to what I say, and taking things slow with more foreplay.

But he seems so set on making me orgasm when he tries, which puts pressure on me, and with the added worry that he doesn’t want to be doing it, I can’t come.

Sex isn’t all about making each other have orgasms, even though he doesn’t see it from that perspective, but I’d just like to be able to climax when he tries because I think it really damages morale for both parties when I don’t!

Thankyou,
Pressured
_____

Hi there Pressured,

It sounds like your boyfriend is missing the point of sex in its entirety. Sex is about having fun, being close with someone, and connecting. It is not about orgasm, though let’s be real – it’s pretty good when it does happen.

That being said, if the one way you can most easily orgasm is oral sex, he should be between your legs day and night, getting you off because you love it, and he loves that you love it.

Why he is not doing that is very mysterious, and yes, he is being completely selfish. You should feel free to just come out and say that to his face.

Sex is a joint venture, and you are not a receptacle for him to pump away at, while you are lying there feeling like you want to cry because your boyfriend is completely ignoring your needs. It feels pretty crappy. It must stop, and don’t be scared to have a fight about it. It’s worth fighting for.

Women’s bodies are different

What most young gentlemen callers fail to understand about the female body is that is isn’t like their own. They have been jacking off since they were just into double digits, and it is so easy for them to ejaculate into a tissue.

It just isn’t like that for most women. It is baffling that your boyfriend knows how to make you come (with his mouth), but simply rejects this outright because it doesn’t suit him. What planet does he live on?

When a guy makes you orgasming with his penis the most important thing, it takes the focus off every single other element of the experience, including feeling close and happy, and getting off the way you like.

You are feeling guilt and shame, berating yourself, because you can’t give him what he wants, which is for you to orgasm via penetrative sex – that is utterly ridiculous!

Own your orgasms

Your orgasm is your orgasm, not his, and everyone has different preferences for how they like to come. He participates in it, but it’s not a gift that he gives you that you are somehow rejecting by not having.

It’s something you experience, and share with him. You would be orgasming a lot more if he wasn’t being such a dick about it.

The great sex toy threat to masculinity

Toys are a great adjunct to sex, and he really needs to get over using them – he is just as manly as he was before if you get off using a toy, and not his penis. What’s the big deal? You getting off is the point, right? Not how you get off.

He was still responsible for that orgasm in some way, during a sexual experience with the woman he loves, not matter how that happens.

You say you have been together for a long time, which means that this has been happening forever. That is awful and needs to change. He is insecure, and not acting in a loving way towards you. Yawn!

Hard chats

Your boyfriend needs to pull his head in, Pressured. You say you really love him, but having a boyfriend who pressures you to orgasm, makes you feel bad about your vagina, and refuses to pleasure you, is a bad choice in man – you feel bad, he feels bad, and sex becomes a major problem, and something you end up doing for him, not with him.

Wrong! You know what the end result of this scenario is? You faking it every so often to just give him what he wants so you don’t have to feel bad anymore. This is how that begins. Don’t be her. A life of faked orgasms is a sad life indeed.

How to work it out

The solution to this is multi-faceted, but it involves you taking control of the situation, and really putting your foot down with your boyfriend so he understands very clearly that you are not going to feel pressured to orgasm the way he wants you to. That you are not going to accept his criticisms of your pubic hair or vagina. If he doesn’t like it, he can go find some other schmuck to make feel bad.

The way you get off is the way you get off until further notice. I have many friends who can only orgasm via oral sex, and they are well into their 30s, 40s and 50s – it’s completely ok! You won’t find them being berated for not getting off the way their lovers want them to. You have a parade of women cheering you on here.

While you will have all kinds of sex with him because you like it, you won’t orgasm from it and that has to be ok. Not just ok, but awesome. He can get you off with his mouth and he refuses? Who is this guy! Trade him in!

The oral sex issue

The issue of him not liking going down on you is a very big one, because it bleeds into so many other areas of your life – if he doesn’t care about that part of you, what else is he missing?

This isn’t a choice between penetrative or oral sex – it’s not a preference that he gets to choose, would he rather stick it in you, or go down on you…

The best lovers love eating pussy. It’s one of their favourite things to do in the world, making them sought-after lovers and excellent companions. Your boyfriend really needs to get over it.

I bet your vagina is an absolute delight, and the way you choose to wear your muff very lovely.

Maybe you should dump him and cum in some other guy’s face!

There are so many things to feel bad about in this life, and your beautiful vagina should not be one of them. Stop letting him make you feel bad.

I reckon tell him to get lost, then find a man who loves to eat you out, and cares about taking the time to make you orgasm however you do because it’s important to him that you are happy and satisfied.

A man who always makes you feel good about yourself. There are plenty of them out there.

Take the advice of Dan Savage…

Also, while we’re on the topic, subscribe to the free version of Dan Savage’s Lovecast (podcast), and listen diligently to every single episode from start to finish.

You will learn about what sex is supposed to be, and what it’s not, with Dan’s intolerance of people feeling bad about sex to keep you company while your boyfriend is not eating you out and making you come.

It’s so important that you feel good about sex, because life’s too short to be crying into your pillow, when you could be biting on your pillow.

Lots of love,
Aunt Vadge

References^1–4

1.
Kilimnik CD, Meston CM. Sexual Shame in the Sexual Excitation and Inhibition Propensities of Men With and Without Nonconsensual Sexual Experiences. The Journal of Sex Research. Published online February 12, 2020:261-272. doi:10.1080/00224499.2020.1718585
2.
Pachankis JE, Hatzenbuehler ML, Klein DN, Bränström R. The Role of Shame in the Sexual-Orientation Disparity in Mental Health: A Prospective Population-Based Study of Multimodal Emotional Reactions to Stigma. Clinical Psychological Science. Published online July 13, 2023. doi:10.1177/21677026231177714
3.
Sævik KW, Konijnenberg C. The effects of sexual shame, emotion regulation and gender on sexual desire. Sci Rep. Published online March 10, 2023. doi:10.1038/s41598-023-31181-y
4.
Dhuffar M, Griffiths M. Understanding the role of shame and its consequences in female hypersexual behaviours: A pilot study. Journal of Behavioral Addictions. Published online December 2014:231-237. doi:10.1556/jba.3.2014.4.4