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Hi Aunt Vadge,
I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask, and it’s a long one, but I need help. Long story short, my boyfriend, who I love so much and have been with for a long time, is upset because he finds it difficult to make me come. Which makes me upset and angry at myself for not coming.
The easiest way for me to come is through oral sex. I’ve never had an orgasm through vaginal sex alone, which I’ve learnt is common. We’ve used toys before, which have done the job, but he feels they’re a bit of an insult, like he ‘isn’t doing his job’. I’ve told him I don’t mind not reaching the big O because the sex is so enjoyable, but he seems to mind so much.
That said, he doesn’t try to make me orgasm that often and seems more focused on getting himself to the finish line. He’s told me he feels selfish, and I kind of agree – but is there a way to agree without hurting his feelings?
When he does go down on me it feels unwilling, and he’s criticised the hair down there before, during, which of course made it harder to orgasm because I felt like he didn’t want to be there. He’s said he’d rather be inside me than go down on me, which makes me feel insecure, like he doesn’t want to.
I think the orgasm is more of a mental process, and the key is his persistence, patience, being responsive to what I say, and taking it slow with more foreplay. But he seems so set on making me orgasm when he tries that it puts pressure on me, and with the worry that he doesn’t want to be doing it, I can’t come.
Sex isn’t all about making each other orgasm, even though he doesn’t see it that way, but I’d like to be able to climax when he tries, because I think it really damages morale for both of us when I don’t.
Thank you,
Pressured
Hi there Pressured,
First and most important: there is nothing wrong with you. Coming most easily from oral sex, and not from penetration on its own, is how most women work. The majority of us need direct clitoral attention to get there, and orgasms from penetration alone are the exception, not the standard. So the thing your boyfriend is upset about is simply normal female anatomy. You’re not failing him, and you’ve nothing to feel guilty about.
What stands out from your letter isn’t your orgasms – it’s him. He can get you off with his mouth and mostly chooses not to. He’s criticised your pubic hair while he’s down there. And he’s turned your pleasure into a scoreboard for his own ego, measuring himself by whether he can make you come his particular way. That’s the real issue here, and none of it is your fault.
Your orgasm is yours. He takes part in it, sure, but it isn’t a gift he hands you that you’re somehow rejecting by not performing on cue. Toys aren’t an insult to his manhood either – they’re just one more good way to have fun, and you getting off is the point, not the exact route you take to get there. A partner who’s secure and into you is delighted when you come, however it happens.
So, practically. Have the direct conversation, out of the bedroom, calm and clear. Tell him what actually works for you – oral, toys, a slow build, no pressure – and tell him plainly that the criticism of your body stops. That one is non-negotiable. Pressure and feeling watched are orgasm-killers, so the pressure has to come off before anything else can work. Point him at how to perform oral sex on a woman and what happens when you orgasm so he’s working with the wiring rather than guessing at it.
If he hears you, adjusts, and starts actually caring whether you’re satisfied – wonderful. Plenty of couples work exactly this out and come out closer for it. But the bigger picture matters too: a partner who can please you and won’t, and who makes you feel bad about your own body, is a far bigger problem than any orgasm. You love him, and that’s real, so give him the honest conversation and a proper chance to step up. Just don’t sign up long-term to sex that’s something you do for him while feeling small. You deserve someone who’s enthusiastic about your pleasure, and they very much exist.
Whatever you do, please don’t start faking it to keep the peace. That only teaches him the wrong thing and leaves you feeling more invisible, not less. The way you come is the way you come, and it’s a perfectly good way.
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
Lots of love,
Aunt Vadge
- Herbenick D, Fu TC, Arter J, Sanders SA, Dodge B. Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2018;44(2). (In this national sample of 1,055 women, only 18.4% reported orgasm from intercourse alone, while about 73% needed or preferred clitoral stimulation.)
