He won't stop when I say stop

Author: Aunt Vadge
Qualified Naturopath | BHSc(N)

Last reviewed: July 7, 2026

Hey Aunt Vadge,

I started sleeping with this guy I met, and he’s into a kink I’m not really down for: CNC (consensual non-consent). So when we’re having sex, if I get overwhelmed and tell him to stop, or it hurts, he just shushes me, chokes me, and keeps going.

I told him to knock it off, but this last time he fingered me, and it just felt like he was punching me. What should I do?

Yours,
Did Not Consent
Age 24, USA

Dear Did Not Consent,

Let’s be absolutely clear, because you deserve clarity: what you’re describing is not a kink. It’s sexual assault. The defining word in ‘consensual non-consent’ is consensual – and you did not consent. He knows you’re not into it, you’ve told him to stop, and he chokes you and carries on anyway.

That isn’t edgy sex; it’s a crime. And no, you’re not being dramatic – the fact that it ‘doesn’t feel that dramatic’ is part of how this works, but being silenced, choked and ignored when you say stop is exactly as serious as your gut is telling you it is.

I want to flag the choking plainly, because it’s seriously dangerous: strangulation can cause serious injury that only shows up hours or even days later, and it’s one of the strongest warning signs that someone may escalate to worse violence.

If he’s strangled you, please get checked by a doctor – and take it as a flashing red light to get well away from him. And to be direct: this is on him, not you.

A real partner, kinky or vanilla, is downright obsessed with their lover actually having a good time. And the genuine kink community would be livid at this guy for using their name as cover for being a selfish creep, because enthusiastic consent is the whole point.

He’s not ‘into CNC’; he’s into doing whatever he wants and ignoring you, and he’s shown you exactly who he is – believe him. None of this is your fault, and there’s nothing you need to fix about the way you said no.

You said stop. That should have been the end of it, every single time. The failure here is entirely his.

Your safety comes first, ahead of his feelings and ahead of any awkwardness. If you’re ever with him and feel unsafe, trust that instinct and get yourself to a safe place – ideally end things when you’re not alone with him, by message, from somewhere safe.

Keep your phone on you, and don’t hesitate to call a friend, or the police, if you need to leave; making a scene is completely allowed, because your safety matters infinitely more than looking polite. Block him – you don’t owe him an explanation, a debrief, or another chance.

And please lean on someone you trust, a friend or a trained counsellor, whenever you’re ready; you can also reach a help line for survivors. In the USA, the free, confidential National Sexual Assault Hotline is 800.656.HOPE (4673), which connects you with a trained advocate in your area to talk it through, get support, and work out your options.

What you’ve described can be sexual assault, so if you ever want to understand your legal options, RAINN can point you to the right help – there’s no pressure either way, and whether and when you report is entirely your call, on your timeline.

You don’t need a single reason beyond ‘I don’t want this’ to walk away, and you’ve got about a hundred. Get safe, lean on your people, and be kind to yourself. This was done to you. It isn’t who you are.

Love,
Aunt Vadge

This is general information and support, not legal or medical advice. If you’re in immediate danger, contact your local emergency number.