Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Dear Aunt Vadge,
I don’t know if I’m just very sensitive down there, but for as long as I can remember, when I shower my inner lips burn or hurt, as if there’s a bruise or cut. I figured I was wiping too hard, or the toilet paper was too rough – and when I switch to a different paper, the problem mostly goes away, which is why I put it down to being sensitive.
I’ve only been sexually active in the past year, and for the last month or so it’s been happening again, worse than before. I’m using the same paper as always, so now I don’t know if I’ve caught something from my partner or whether it’s the paper again. What do you think this is?
Also, how do I politely ask my partner to get checked without offending him? (He’s sensitive and has anger issues, so he might take it the wrong way.) And another thing: we have lots of foreplay, but I don’t get very wet – it’s dry most of the time, even with lube or spit. When I masturbate alone, I do get some moisture, though not much and it takes a while. What’s that a sign of, and how can I get wetter?
Thank you,
Dry
Age 22, USA
Dear Dry,
You’ve got a few things tangled together here: a sensitive, easily-stung vulva, dryness even with foreplay and lube, and a partner you feel on edge around. Let’s take them one at a time. The stinging when you wipe most often comes down to something touching the skin that it doesn’t like – especially since changing your toilet paper helped before. The dryness is worth sorting separately. Start with the simplest fix and work through the rest.
On getting your partner tested: you don’t actually have to ask him. You can get an STI check yourself, and only raise it with him if something comes back.
Irritant or contact dermatitis (most likely)
This is irritation from something touching your vulva – a soap, a printed or perfumed toilet paper, laundry detergent, lube, condoms, perfumes and so on. It sticks around as long as the product is in the picture, and it gives exactly what you describe: a delicate, stinging vulva that’s worse after sex.
Switch every product you can to a plain, hypoallergenic version – laundry liquid, soap, toilet paper. Never let soap get between your labia; use warm water and just your hand, with minimal wash. As an experiment, try no soap there at all for a few days. Write down each change and give it one to two weeks. There’s more in our guide to contact dermatitis of the vulva.
Low oestrogen
At 22 this is unlikely unless something is going on with your ovaries, but it’s not impossible. Low oestrogen can cause atrophic vaginitis, where the tissue gets sore, dry and easily irritated. Do the dermatitis experiment first, but start charting your cycles (a period-tracker app is ideal) and note anything off – pain, flow, cycle length, skipped periods, mood. If it persists, see a doctor.
Medication
Some medicines, including certain antidepressants, can cause dryness. Check anything you take regularly and read the leaflet, and if dryness is listed, talk to your doctor about your dose or alternatives.
Where your wetness actually comes from
Most arousal wetness isn’t from one gland – it’s fluid passing through the vaginal walls when you’re engorged, plus a small amount from the Bartholin’s glands near the vaginal opening. The Skene’s glands beside the urethra are more involved in ejaculation than everyday lubrication, so ongoing dryness is usually about arousal, irritation or hormones rather than one blocked gland.
Sjögren’s syndrome
An autoimmune condition that dries out all the moisture-making glands – eyes, mouth, nose and so on. It’s unlikely, since you’d usually have other dryness too, but worth a look at the Sjögren’s syndrome page to see if anything matches.
Vulvodynia
This is a persistently painful, over-sensitive vulva, with causes that vary between people. Read about vulvodynia and, if it fits, ask your doctor for a proper assessment.
Are you turned on enough?
It sounds obvious, but not being aroused enough is the most common cause of dryness. You get wetter alone partly because you’re in control of exactly how you’re touched. With a partner it can take longer, so it’s worth slowing things down and steering him to what works for you.
How this affects your vagina
When the vulvar skin is irritated, or short on oestrogen, it gets thin and touchy and stings with urine or friction. Calm the irritation and restore the moisture, and the sensitivity usually settles. A good vaginal moisturiser can help here once you’ve worked out the cause – the polymer ones cling to the tissue and ease that raw, stinging feeling when you wipe or have sex.
The anxiety, and your partner
A partner you feel you’re walking on eggshells around will dry anyone up – good arousal needs to feel safe. You mentioned he’s quick to anger, and if his behaviour is leaving you anxious, that matters and it’s worth taking seriously. There’s support out there for managing anger in healthier ways, including men’s groups and counselling.
Look after yourself in this, and lean on someone you trust if you need to. You deserve to feel relaxed and cared for with a partner, not braced.
In our experience, a stinging, sensitive vulva often traces back to irritant dermatitis from everyday products, and stripping back to plain, fragrance-free basics often settles it.
Write any time and let me know how you go.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
