Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Dear Aunt Vadge,
I want to know why my partner has pain during intercourse, even if it does not last more than a minute. The pain also increases when I ejaculate. How can I insert my penis bit by bit, or insert it fully and hold a while, and then continue?
Yours,
Mystified
Dear Mystified,
The fix here probably is not a better insertion technique. If sex is painful for your partner, the thing to change first is not how you put your penis in, but making sure her body is properly ready before anything goes in at all – and, if the pain keeps up, getting it properly looked at.
A vagina needs the woman to be relaxed, comfortable and turned on before penetration. When she is aroused, the vagina lubricates and the tissues swell and soften, which makes entry smoother and pleasurable. Without that, penetration is uncomfortable at best. If she is anxious or braced for pain, the muscles tighten and it hurts more – and pain then feeds more anxiety, which is a loop worth breaking.
So my first suggestion is to take penetration off the table for a while. Not forever – just long enough that she is not bracing for pain every time. Focus on turning each other on and finding out what feels good, with hands, mouth and everything else. Penetrative sex is only one way to have sex, and it works far better once there is a relaxed, properly turned-on base to build from. Ask her what feels good, go slowly, and let her guide you.
It is also worth reading up together, because there is a good chance she is still working out her own body too. Start with How to have sex 101, how to perform cunnilingus and fingering basics, and go through Vag Basics so you both understand the anatomy. Reading it together, out loud even, opens up the conversation – she can probably tell you more than you expect.
When it still hurts even when everything is right
Persistent pain with sex is called dyspareunia, which simply means ‘painful sex’ and can have many causes. When she is relaxed, turned on and it still hurts, that is where I stop treating it as a ‘relax more’ problem – persistent pain like that usually has a physical cause worth having assessed, rather than something to push through.
If she is relaxed and aroused and it is still painful, she may have vulvodynia or vaginismus. These are real conditions, not a matter of ‘trying harder’, and no amount of good foreplay will fix them on its own. If the pain does not settle once she is relaxed and aroused, it is worth her being examined by a doctor or a pelvic floor physiotherapist who can pin down a cause. We are naturopathic and do not do that physical assessment ourselves, so this is one to route their way.
One more thing about the pain getting worse when you ejaculate: some women react to semen, an allergy to seminal fluid, which can cause burning and irritation. Until that is ruled out, it is worth using a condom and not ejaculating inside her, and see whether that changes anything.
Be patient and kind with each other, and write back anytime.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
