Done properly, fingering is one of life’s great delights. Done badly, which most fingering is (at least when you are starting out), the lady ends up disappointed at best; wounded, bleeding and swollen at worst.
The extra worst part is that, most of the time, you don’t know anything about it. Unless she expressly says to you that she thinks you are the best fingerer ever, consider yourself to suck at it.
This is not an insult; it’s just true. We all have to start somewhere, and poking your finger into another person’s body and expecting it to feel good without knowing what you are doing is an urban legend.
Thought Experiment.
Imagine someone poking their finger, or slamming two fingers hard and fast, into your mouth or butthole. That’s the nearest you will get to knowing what this might feel like!
Don’t forget she has no idea what she is doing to you either, and learning how to do sex together is fun and weird and awkward: essential learning for all great lovers.
So let’s just assume neither of you knows what you’re doing, and this is your class on fingering basics.
This guide takes into consideration that most of you – if you are learning about fingering – don’t know much about sex in general, so some of it might seem boring or not to do with fingering, but it is!
So read it all, and read it carefully. It will set you on course to be a great fingerer and a great lover.
This guide is set out into sections.
Part I – Understanding the lady and her vagina
Part II – Anatomy
Part III – Fingering basics – the rules
Part IV – The warm-up, clitoris, labia, vagina
Part V – Technique – tips and tricks
The definition of fingering: Using one or two fingers (or more if she wants) and your hand to sexually stimulate a woman’s vaginal lips, vagina, and clitoris. (Possibly even the anus, but that is advanced and by express permission only.)
Part I
Learning about the lady and her vagina
Fingering a vagina is not an activity conducted in isolation: it is part of a sexual experience with another human being. A good experience should be your primary focus, not the finger-in-vagina action. If you pay attention to the person you are touching, you will both get far more out of the experience.
If you already have this covered and just want to improve your techniques, skip ahead.
There is no guidebook for making out with someone, then as soon as you think she won’t stop you, shoving your fingers into her vagina: that is not fun, she doesn’t like it, and yes it hurts. Don’t be that guy. Girls talk.
(Read Aunt Vadge’s fingering horror stories if you want to know what your comrades are up to. Doing it wrong, is what. Type ‘fingering’ into the search bar.)
Preparing yourselves
So many things need to happen before you touch a vagina with your fingers to ensure the fingering is excellent, and part of a greater sexual experience.
Fingering is not the goal per se; having a great time and giving each other pleasure is. Take the focus off the fingering, and onto her and you, the people.
Getting fingered without sexual feeling is like going to the dentist. If you want a stellar reputation as a fine lover, fingering – and everything else – needs to be done well. Put yourself into the student’s chair and forget everything you thought you knew about poking around in vaginas.
Don’t listen to your friends either – they have no idea what they’re talking about.
Ask her!
To learn how to finger a woman, you need to ask the person you are fingering what she likes.
Yes, talking.
There is a good chance that if you are young, that your lover may not know what she likes, so you need to learn together by taking it slow and talking all the way.
No, you won’t ruin the moment by asking if something feels good/being told if it hurts. In fact, the more you talk, the less you need to talk later, because you start to understand what is happening, and what feels good and what feels weird or painful.
Miraculously, you get to know each other. It’s lovely! The last thing you want is to be hurting her, and her keep quiet because she thinks you are having a good time. This happens all the time, and it needs to stop.
Girls don’t always feel very comfortable asking you to stop or change what you are doing, especially if you seem like you are really enjoying yourself, since they aren’t really sure necessarily what’s supposed to be happening.
Ask her. Talk to her. Tell her how your body feels when she touches it, including when things feel weird. Silence is poison.
She needs to be learnt
Treat learning about a person and their body like you might learning how to drive, draw, paint, or play the guitar, treating every single person as a new version to learn. Every single lady you touch is going to want to be touched differently.
That is the single most important thing you need to know about being a good lover: everyone is different, and what worked on Lady Number 1 isn’t going to work on Lady Number 2, 3 or 4.
Learning the arts of the lover – start off gentle
It would do you well to read all the emails that Aunt Vadge has received from teenage girls who are confused and scared about being fingered by guys.
They do not talk about fingering as a sexual activity, but something they must endure, dealing with the damage fingers have done to their delicate vaginas. Blood, swelling, pain, cuts, the lot. Imagine if that happened to your penis. You’d be horrified
Don’t let that damage be under your watch. Be gentle. Fingering should never be done as the first port of call, so that means your ‘right of passage’ fingering appointment with your high school girlfriend needs to be checked at the door.
Better activities – more gentler, sexier and far more pleasurable for the lady – are oral sex and other types of sensual touching. Don’t be scared to try softer activities first, since fingering can really be terrible at first when it’s fumbletown.
It can take a really long time to figure out what we like – with your help – so err on the side of caution and learn together.
Setting the scene
Choose your time and place for sex play, including fingering – it matters. Trying to shove your fingers into any girl who will let you at a party is poor form; taking the time to make it feel good is what a sought-after lover does.
You don’t ever want your touch to be careless or ill-timed. You don’t have to have rose petals or anything, but make sure you have some privacy and the time is right – not when you or she are stressed, anxious, too drunk, high, or otherwise out of sorts. You want to max out the fun. Fingering is meant to be fun.
True story. Master the art of touching each woman you encounter how she wants to be touched by listening carefully, watching her body language and being a keen student.
You will become a sought-after lover your whole life no matter what you look like, how cool you are (or are not), how big your penis is, how much money you earn or what car you drive.
Part II
Know your anatomy
The clitoris, vaginal lips (inner and outer), the vestibule, the perineum, the clitoral hood, the pubic mound, the urethral opening.
Know where these parts are, find them on your lover’s body, and taste, smell and touch each part, and talk about how it feels for her and you.
Keep in mind the following:
The vestibule isn’t a sexual area at all, and can often feel uncomfortable if you treat it as such by putting pressure on it. When switching between the clitoris and the vagina, don’t just slide down – the flesh isn’t all created equal. Ask.
The clitoris can be very sensitive – find out how sensitive hers is by asking as you gently, slowly touch or lick it.
If your lover has never had sex, used tampons or had anything inserted into her vagina, she may still have an intact hymen.
If she does, your fingering will probably hurt and cause bleeding, so check with her first, look up the article on the hymen, and work out ways to stretch it (if it still exists) so you don’t cause pain.
You can learn together as you do stretching exercises over the course of a week or two, or she can do it herself in private. This can help alleviate anxiety.
All vaginas are built slightly differently, so don’t assume they are all alike. Some people have anatomical differences (including abnormalities) that can make a difference to the way you need to touch her.
Sometimes women don’t know about these abnormalities until they start to have sexual experiences, so if there is a lot of pain or discomfort that seems out of the ordinary or extreme, look for other reasons and don’t push it. Pain is never ok and you need to figure out why.
Reassuring your lover that you won’t hurt her or do anything she doesn’t like goes a long way to creating trust and increasing enjoyment, so even if she knows, say it out loud.
Stand by your word, and be considerate of the fact that you are putting part of your body into the body of another person, and you don’t know what that feels like for her.
Now, look at this diagram (and imagine way more nerves). You are about to learn something fantastical.
Every woman has what are known as pelvic nerve clusters or bundles, and these nerves wind and twist their way throughout her pelvic area. Now, this is the bit you need to know: every woman has a unique configuration of her pelvic nerve bundles and clusters.
This is why every woman will be turned on and come in a different way to the next, and why her orgasms can be different all the time. Men’s pelvic nerves are more neatly and uniformly organised, so your orgasms and arousal are far more predictable.
Every woman has her sweet spots, but she maybe doesn’t know where they are yet, so help her find them! They exist!
They may be more in her labia, more in her perineum, more near her anus (incidentally, why some women absolutely love anal and others do not), more inside her vagina or near her cervix. Each woman is like a new maze to figure out.
Fantastical thing number two: The clitoris is enormous.
(It’s the yellow bit, and the blue bit is the rest of the reproductive system, including the vaginal canal, which you can see the bulgy bits hug close. When the clitoris is erect (yes, erect, just like yours) those little legs up the side move.
You can see why it’s important to give your lady friend an inner erection before you try to put anything inside of her! Her body behaves like yours in this way. Trying to be sexual with a vag and clitoris that isn’t properly turned on – erect – is exactly the same as someone trying to have sex with your soft penis. Doesn’t work.
Interestingly, can you see where the ‘g-spot’ supposedly is? It’s at the junction of the side legs and the vaginal loop, right in the middle there. (Remember, don’t get hung up on the g-spot, because unless her internal clitoris is very erect, it will just feel weird.)
Now do you see why this little bud is a bit of a joke compared to what lies beneath? It’s the external access to a massive bundle of nerves.
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Part III
Now on to fingering basics – learning the ropes
Rule 1 – be her student
Fingering well is a real art form, and you aren’t going to be able to guess what she likes by reading this – you have to be shown. You are going to have to be trained, by her. If you have one available, ask a lady in your life if she will do you the honour of allowing you to practice becoming a master fingerer with her.
This is the equivalent of a young lady approaching you to see if she can practice going down on you. It’s a lovely thing to do and you will learn much more this way, rather than acting like you already know it all, and getting it wrong and never being told because nobody wants to disappoint you.
Sex is one of those times where it’s ok to act like you know what you’re doing at first, but as soon as you have that lady in your arms (and it’s too late for her to run away), you need to switch to asking questions.
Then instead of doing it wrong and risk her passing you up, you get it right first time, and she’ll keep coming back for more, because you’re good at it, because you asked. She is just as nervous as you.
Rule 2 – warm her up
Fingers make a great adjunct to oral sex as well as being very pleasurable – when done right – by themselves. A man is considered an advanced lover when he can bring a woman to orgasm with his fingers, so don’t worry: you are not expected to be good at it straight away!
Nobody is good at sex without practice. Nobody. We are all inept and clumsy and feel stupid and awkward, but you have to get past that and embrace the awkward.
It’s ok to make mistakes, so long as you only ever make them once (or twice). If you want her to love what you are doing with your fingers, you need to warm her up well and truly and never jump in prematurely.
She needs to be wet and hot before you even touch her vagina, and when you do touch it, be slow, soft and gentle – don’t fingerbang her, shove your fingers in roughly, or assume she likes it just because she didn’t say anything.
Touching a dry, unexcited vagina is so much more hard work than it’s worth, so don’t underestimate the value of touching, licking, making out and dry humping and telling her she’s pretty and sexy. You want to be putting your fingers into a wet vagina.
Always remember this: tease her, kiss her, caress her, tell her she is a beautiful and sexual creature, seduce her. Turn her on until she can hardly breathe.
Then put your fingers inside of her and watch her gasp with pleasure. This will happen when you have done your homework.
Rule 3 – prepare your hands well
Your nails need to be trimmed down to the stubs and smooth. Getting cut by a sharp nail or hangnail is going to cut your fun short, and make her vagina off-limits for days or weeks until it heals.
It will also add anxiety to the mix if it isn’t already. Rough, calloused hands and dry, tough skin may cause a problem to her delicate flesh, so if you work in a physical job that destroys your hands, if you can, wear gloves at work and moisturise (if you can).
You can also visit a manicurist who can get rid of the rough skin, leaving your hands much softer (and hopeless for your job!). If you can’t avoid having rough hands, do your best to be conscious of it, and keep in close contact with your lover to ensure your hands aren’t hurting her.
Alternatively you can try a latex (or non-allergenic non-latex variety) glove (you can get sexy black ones) with some lube – that’s what ladies with long fingernails do when fingering a man or woman.
If your hands are too rough and you don’t have anything to cover them with, forget fingering and use your mouth.
Make sure your hands are clean, and free of dirt and grease. Nobody wants a filthy mitt up their vag.
Never, ever touch a vagina with a dry finger or hand. Use saliva or some lube to put on your hand before you touch her, every single time. Never think “Oh this time it’ll be ok”. It never is.
A dry finger is at worst like sandpaper, at best just a bit dry and not really that awesome. The beauty of touching her with a wet finger is that it tricks her brain into thinking she is wet already, making her wetter.
Rule 4 – find out if she masturbates, and ask for a guided tour
If she masturbates, your job is going to be a lot easier, because she will already know what sort of touching she likes (to a point). If she masturbates, ask her to take your hand and use it as her own, and you just relax and let her take you on a ride.
You can do this even if she doesn’t masturbate. Lie behind her, and let her fingers guide you. Ask her to talk you through what she’s doing, and why it feels good.
You will learn so much like this, and with you behind her, she may not feel quite as shy as face-to-face.
If she doesn’t masturbate, she may feel a lot shier about this because she might have absolutely no idea what she’s got down there, so learn together using this method, and just having a go and seeing what it feels like.
Make sure you talk about it a lot. Get comfortable with talking about what’s happening to your bodies, and sex becomes infinitely better immediately. It also makes for great friendships and relationships.
If you are youngish, you may find that the person you are with doesn’t know how to masturbate and blushes violently at the idea of it. (Though this possible lack of sexual knowledge extends to all ages.)
This might come as a massive surprise to you, considering that you have no doubt been at it since you were old enough to reach your own penis. Young men already know by the time they hit 18 (or much younger) what they like and don’t like, are well versed in their kinks, and have been jacking off to them every which way for five years already.
The difference between girls and boys is that males, hormonally, tend to be a lot more sexually involved with themselves earlier in life and are very easy to get off because the flesh and mind are very responsive.
Testosterone is likely responsible for this, and is high when men are younger, whereas women’s testosterone peaks in their 30s and is quite low in their teens and 20s.
This hormonal difference can make your younger lady lover a less a responsive sexual creature than her older counterparts, but… plenty of time for that.
It means her interest level might be at ‘curious’ but she may be far less knowledgeable about her own sexual response than you are. This is why you need to be very communicative with her, since the question “what do you like?” may be met with a confused, shy shrug.
Dealing with shyness takes care, kindness, trust and respect. Be nice!
Part IV
The warm-up: clitoris, labia, and vagina
What ‘warming her up’ really means
Vaginas need to be cajoled into swelling up with blood and becoming juicy, hot and primed. Vaginal tissue and the clitoris (the giant internal clitoris) plump up, so the first goal is to get the whole area engorged with blood and make sure her clitoris is erect.
Yes, erect – familiarise yourself with her external clitoris (the glans clitoris) and what it feels like, see if you can see it, and find its edges.
As explained previously, the clitoris is actually really big and has ‘legs’ – check out Vag Basics to understand what you’re dealing with if you need more, or check out our article on the clitoris. It’s big. It’s dense.
Clitoral tissue is made out of the same erectile tissue as your penis (so behaves much like it, but you can’t see). What this means is turning on her mind and whole body first, so talk, kiss, touch, and just generally make out.
If she likes you and you like her, this shouldn’t be too hard. Don’t immediately try to go hard, because it just doesn’t work like that with the female body.
You always have to start slow and gentle, and only become firmer or quicker when she clearly demonstrates to you – or tells you – that that is what she wants, after of course teasing her a bit first.
You want her gagging for your touches, so when you do touch her, she is ready to orgasm in your hand. Or almost anyway.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You need to understand angles and folds, so really familiarise yourself with her anatomy, and not just what you can see on the outside.
You are going to be flying blind here, since none of us can really see what we’re doing inside the vagina. To you, it can just feel warm and mushy and wet. To her, there are edges and lumps and humps and bones and ligaments, and your finger may bump into every single one.
The clitoris
Most women masturbate by stimulating their clitoris, often through the skin that covers it (the clitoral hood), in a circular motion, or back and forth, often including the use of a dildo, vibrator or fingers inside the vagina simultaneously.
This can get pretty vigorous, but it doesn’t start off vigorous – it starts gentle, to warm the clitoris up and get it aroused (erect like your penis, but a much smaller version).
Like you, when a lady knows how, she can get herself off in less than a minute. It’s not so much rocket science as technique. Practice getting her vulva and clitoris turned on in your mouth, and touch her outer clitoris with your fingers so you can tell when it is ‘up’.
You do need to learn how to tell if a clitoris is erect or not; it’s not as obvious as your penis, but the idea is the same and the action of that tiny little bud is also the same.
You can see the difference in her vulva and clitoris when it’s turned on, because it looks more swollen.
Obviously if she has a lot of pubic hair this is harder to see, but you should be able to feel the difference in your mouth or under your gentle fingers.
Look at how erectile tissue in men and women is essentially the same shape and tissue, but different sizes:
The tissues are the same as yours – read our short guide on what tissues are equivalent to yours (we are all made of the same cells in the womb). It will be a firm little bud in your mouth, but the clitoris really does differ widely between women in size and sensitivity, and you can never forget how big it is.
Once the clit is ‘on’, most of your job is done; the other half is to keep doing what it needs to stay up, and hopefully to bring her to orgasm.
The clitoris needs attention far more than the inside of her vagina, especially at first, as it is the equivalent to the head of your penis. If you focus on the inside and skip the clitoris, you are doing it all wrong and will never get any results.
The clitoris is where it’s at. If you don’t know where her clitoris is, ask! Become best friends with her clitoris. Understand its behaviour. Look at it, touch it, examine it, tell it your deepest secrets.
The labia (lips)
So then there are the vaginal lips to contend with. These fleshy lips are built out of the same types of cells as your testicles, so feel about the same as your scrotum when touched.
They feel delightful when stroked and played with, so don’t leave them out. Examine them, get to know their textures and watch them swell with blood when she is aroused.
Become familiar with their nature by looking, tasting and touching them. Make them your close companions.
You have the labia majora, the thick outside lips that enclose everything else, and the labia minora, the inner lips that usually poke out from the vagina.
These come in all shapes and sizes, so be prepared for whatever hers look like. Always tell her that her body and vulva is beautiful, and find and describe the things you like about it.
It’s important to note that every woman you encounter will be different, and this is what makes them beautiful and unique.
Don’t expect all vulva to look like they do in porn. In real life, vaginas are as varied and interesting and delightful as penises.
The vagina
The inside of the vagina is the very last place to put your fingers, but the entrance to the vagina actually has a lot of nerve endings and feels amazing in its own right.
This should be your focus at first (as well as the clitoris), but without putting anything inside of her just yet. Tease her with a wet finger gently at the entrance to her vagina.
You should only ever put your finger into a vagina that is clearly begging for it – she will be bucking up towards you, tilting her pelvis towards you and pushing herself into you, and possibly even getting annoyed at your lack of penetration.
If you ignore these signs and rush in, you run the very real risk of ‘too soon’, which in nervous system terms means ruining the sensation of being penetrated as the delight that it should be. So be careful.
Tease the vaginal entrance, but don’t put anything in. She’ll sort of force your hand when she’s ready, by grinding into you, tilting her pelvis forward and onto your finger (yes, stick to one for now).
If she is not doing this, or you are not sure, ask. You shouldn’t be confused about this, so ask her. Demand she tell you.
The fingering itself
Be gentle, go slow, use one finger, don’t thrash around, and ask – after a while if it seems right – if she wants to try more fingers.
Keeping asking her if she likes it until she just starts to tell you – talk, talk, talk. Move your fingers around inside her vagina and feel all the different textures, the various walls gently.
Lick or stroke a wet finger over her clitoris while you do it.
Fingerbanging
You don’t need to fingerbang her for it to feel good, and in fact fingerbanging is kind of violent – we are not learning how to fingerbang, we are learning how to use your fingers and hand to pleasure a lady.
The two things are very different, but as you grow and learn, later, only later, can you attempt to successfully fingerbang a woman to great pleasure, and maybe even orgasm.
Make no mistake – fingerbanging can be delicious, but slamming away at her isn’t going to make you any friends.
Fingers
You want to slide your forefinger or middle finger in and out a bit, ensuring her lips and vagina are wet and she is enjoying the bejesus out of it.
If she’s ho-hum about it, stop. Never finger an unwilling vagina because you will live to regret it.
The palm
You can use the palm of your hand a little, but shoving your finger right in usually results in pressure on the outside of her vagina (on what’s called the vestibule) that doesn’t feel that good – aim to put the finger in first up to the first knuckle.
Then when things heat up a bit, up to just past the second knuckle. Less is more here, at least at first.
Lack of enthusiasm
If she seems unenthusiastic, go down on her with your mouth. Kiss some more. Do something else, and then ask her to tell you – truthfully – what’s going on.
Maybe she just isn’t in the mood, maybe you could have done something differently, maybe you hurt her.
If you don’t ask, you will never know. Talking is the single most important tool in learning how to be a fantastic lover, and to fingering a vagina with skill.
Part IV
Techniques, tricks and tips
Hands and fingers can be used in so many ways and by no means is fingering simply sticking a finger into a vagina and fingerbanging old school. Slamming a vagina or vulva with your fingers isn’t good. It’s amateurish. Make each touch count.
Slide your wet finger delicately down the gap between her labia minora and labia majora, without touching her vestibule (the area between the clitoris and vaginal entrance). Make sure it’s wet.
Dip your fingers the tiniest little bit into her vagina, then move elsewhere. Make sure it’s wet. Tease her.
If she likes it (some women don’t like being fingered at all and this is something you should know at this point!) slide a finger up to the first knuckle into her vagina, then move it back out to her clit, and rub her clitoris with her vaginal juices. Keep it wet, with saliva or her own juice or lube. Be gentle and deliberate – don’t get sloppy with your touch – a careful, considered, deliberate touch is the hallmark of a good lover.
Slide in your finger up to halfway between the second knuckle and the first knuckle, in and out slowly, keeping it straight (but relaxed). Lick her clitoris while you do this for maximum pleasure. Wet, wet, wet.
Avoid the much-discussed ‘come here’ motion to find her g-spot (the underside of her clitoris – it has legs), because frankly nobody likes it, especially when you’re new to fingering. Talk with her about that later. It will probably make her uncomfortable, since it presses on the urethra and makes her feel like she needs to pee – not hot.
Try two fingers, but ask her – some women find this too many, or might only want two or more fingers as they near orgasm. Make sure it’s wet.
Some women are surprised to find that they love being full of fingers, and may want you to – depending on the size of your hand – put as many as you can inside, like fisting. (It sounds more full on than it actually is when done gently.) Go slow, be gentle, and keep in communication about how it feels, making her clitoris your best friend. There is a time and a place for more-than-two-fingerbanging, and it is definitely an advanced move. Lick her clitoris while you attempt this.
Interestingly, ‘in and out’ isn’t always the best sensation (it is not your penis), so try putting a finger or fingers inside her vagina, and wiggling your fingers around, doing circles, or other combinations of movements, and get her feedback. The ‘in and out’ works with a penis, because that’s what feels the best for the penis too, but since it is your fingers, you can try other movements for maximum effect.
The entire vagina has a variety of different areas that feel different when stimulated, so find them. Her cervix, for example, is a highly orgasmic area that you ought to investigate, but without jamming your palm up against her vestibule (it is uncomfortable). In fact, interestingly, even if a woman has a severed spinal cord she can still orgasm if her cervix is stimulated with a vibrator. What this tells us is that the cervix is a wonderful and orgasmic area and needs attention. Talk to her about this though – she has probably never touched her cervix, and depending on the time of her cycle, it could be uncomfortable (at or after her period the cervix is low and hard, while when she is ovulating, it is high and soft).
Your palms and thumb are useful in giving a good handjob to a lady, and you want to use all your resources to get her off, so face the palm of your hand to her body, with two fingers inside of her, palm on the top side. Wiggle your fingers from side to side, which stimulates her clitoris and the inside of her vagina at the same time. Talk to her about how fast and hard she likes it, but always always always start off slow and gentle. More gentle than you think.
Once she is really turned on and you want to experiment a little with your touch, with her permission (ask if you can try something out), you can spread her lips apart gently, and using a straight wet index finger, softly flick her clitoris from side to side. Make sure your finger is wet. If her clitoris is really sensitive, she might not like this.
If you are not stimulating her clitoris while your fingers are inside of her with your fingers, you are doing it wrong. You must always always always stimulate the clitoris when pleasuring a woman like this or she may never orgasm, though keep in mind that making a woman come with your fingers is advanced sex, and it almost never happens. Don’t feel bad – enjoy the depth and breadth of pleasure your fingers can give her without being concerned about orgasm. Learn eventually, though.
If you put one or two fingers inside of her with your palm facing her clitoris and mons pubis (where the pubic hair and mound is), you can stimulate the clitoris as well as the vagina.
When performing oral sex on a woman, thumbs work very well in the vagina.
Don’t expect miracles straight away – you are allowed to be terrible for a while – but put in the effort and you will get the results, much faster than you think.
These are the basics, but go forth and experiment. Find a willing partner to be your teacher, and get busy! If you get stuck, ask Aunt Vadge. She can help you with all your tricky sex questions.
