Learning how to be touched by someone else

Touching ourselves and being touched by others is the only way we learn about what we like and don’t like first-hand. Boys tend to get good at this much quicker than girls do, due to ease of contact with apparatus.

Boys start to become sexual creatures at puberty, and while this may be true for many girls, girls may not start getting really interested in masturbating or sex until later. There aren’t really any hard and fast rules in terms of timing, just general observations.

Making someone else touch us to find out what we like seems cruel, so get wanking, try different things, and figure out how your body works so you can instruct someone else and be a better lover faster.

Communication is the key to good sex

It can feel really awkward to talk about sex while you’re doing it, or trying to do it, but there is only one way to have good sex and that is by communicating clearly about what you like and don’t like with your lover.

You should do this both while you are being sexual, and also while you are being non-sexual. The topics will change. It’s easier to say “That thing was a bit weird, but I really liked this” in retrospect than in the middle of sex.

You don’t want to offend someone by saying you don’t like what they are doing, but you also don’t want them to keep doing something that feels bad, so you need to decide how you are going to approach that.

The best way is to be honest, but kind, and offer an alternative even if you don’t know if it will work. Treat it like a science experiment so neither of you has to feel anxious or awkward.

Acting like you are both learner drivers means you free yourself from pressure. It’s like learning how to do anything – good sex takes time and practice.

Being a good lover

If you want to be a good lover, you need to learn how to speak up and tell your lover what you want, and ask what they like in return. Not just once, but all the time.

Eventually, you’ll just know by how they respond to your touch in the slightest of ways, and they will learn to not feel embarrassed to ask or speak up.

When you are first starting out, you have got no business just doing something to a body without checking in with the other person to see if it feels good, weird, uncomfortable, or just ok. Always check.

You’d be surprised how often they don’t like it, but haven’t said anything until you asked.

Everyone is awkward at first

Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know – nobody knows at first! Sex is funny, weird, awkward and clumsy.

Welcome to your first sexual experiences with another human. It’s like that for everyone, because there isn’t a single person on earth who is born knowing how to be a good lover, how to have sex or how to communicate with a lover.

Practice. Feel the awkwardness and work through it, because it won’t kill you, it will only make you a better lover. Be brave, young lover!  

Original price was: USD $9.95.Current price is: USD $0.00. ex GST/VAT/TAX
Original price was: USD $9.99.Current price is: USD $0.00. ex GST/VAT/TAX
Jessica Lloyd - Vulvovaginal Specialist Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)