Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Dear Aunt Vadge,
I’m deeply in love with my girlfriend, “M”, and plan to propose. She’s a wonderful woman who has been through a lot — a hysterectomy, three years clean from addiction, severe bipolar disorder, and a history of being badly treated by past partners.
There’s one issue: she has a strong, persistent vaginal odour, and I’m someone who’s very sensitive to smells. I’ve tried twice to raise it gently and both times it went badly — she became very distressed and self-conscious, at one point even suicidal.
I consoled her by taking the blame (“I’m just hypersensitive”). I’ve also recently noticed a hint of the same odour on myself. We don’t use condoms (she can’t get pregnant). Is there a way to bring this to her attention anonymously, and is there a real health risk if I keep ignoring it or only treat myself?
Yours,
Lover of M
Dear Lover of M,
What a thoughtful, loving letter. The framing is the key to everything here, including how to talk to her. A strong, persistent vaginal odour is almost always a treatable medical condition — most often bacterial vaginosis or aerobic vaginitis, and given her hysterectomy, possibly hormonal and tissue changes too.
It’s not a hygiene failing, not something she’s doing wrong, and not a character flaw, and that distinction is everything, because it lets you raise it as caring about her health rather than a complaint about her body.
On the anonymous route — please don’t. For someone with M’s history (bipolar disorder, past trauma, and the fact she’s already become suicidal over this), a faceless ‘get tested’ message could land as frightening and shaming, and could destabilise her. She needs the opposite: to feel safe, loved and not judged, and that has to come from you, with warmth.
Lead entirely with the health framing and with reassurance — something like, “I love you, and I want to take care of you. I’ve been reading and I think you might have a really common, treatable thing called BV. Loads of women get it, it’s nothing to do with cleanliness, and it clears up with the right treatment.
Can we get you checked, together?” There’s no disgust in that, just love and a plan. One important don’t: steer clear of douches and scented washes (the supermarket ‘feminine wash’ types), because they actually make BV and odour worse by stripping the good bacteria — the fix is testing and proper treatment, not masking.
And yes, your second question matters: this involves you too. You’ve noticed the odour on yourself, which tells me you’re now carrying the same bacteria, and that matters practically — even if M gets treated, unprotected sex will simply pass it back and forth between you, so it never fully clears.
So use condoms until you’re both sorted to break the ping-pong cycle, get yourself checked too (and ask your doctor to consider BV and AV-type microbes, not just the standard STI screen), and know that you really can’t fix this from your end alone while having unprotected sex — you both need treating, together.
One last gentle note: given how hard she’s taken this before, lead with love, pick a calm moment, and if her mental health is fragile keep her support network in mind too. Telling someone a hard truth with this much tenderness is an act of love — and the relief of finally treating something fixable could bring you closer.
Do write back and let me know how it goes.
Best,
Aunt Vadge
This is general information, not a substitute for personalised medical advice.
