Explaining BV to Your New Boyfriend: A Guide

Explaining to a partner that you are struggling with recurrent treatment-resistant bacterial vaginosis or aerobic vaginitis can be daunting and fill you with dread. This is absolutely fair enough! But, sometimes it has to be done, so here are our tips for having important and dreadful conversations.

Be clear and rely on the facts

Providing a clear explanation of what is happening is important, because you don’t want there to be any misunderstandings. Be factual, sciencey and don’t let the shame creep into your voice. If you approach this matter of factly (fake it til you make it!) then your partner will be able to respond in kind. This is a medical problem, and should be treated as such.

Rejecting sex

This situation does require care with sex, as your symptoms can be uncomfortable, very unpleasant, and make you want to avoid sex altogether, so a careful and considerate chat about these realities is a positive step that can remove a lot of anxiety.

Avoiding sex and rejecting a partner and intimacy without offering an explanation of what’s really going on is damaging to your connection. Remember there is a difference between intimacy and sex, and there are many ways to feel close to someone without resorting to sex.

Also sex is an important part of some couples’ relationship, and leaving it out can feel like a huge loss. Whatever sort of relationship you have, sex is usually an important part of it, whether you have it once a year or once a day. Navigating saying no can be difficult, but the added difficulty can emerge when you have to ask a partner to go through treatment.

Get the facts on BV and AV and penises to help your explanation

Killing BV: Penis Treatment Guide – Download (can help!)

Top points:

Bacterial vaginosis or aerobic vaginitis are bacterial imbalances not infections
The wrong bacteria have been allowed to overgrow, for some reason, and are hard to dislodge – figuring out what’s happened can be tricky and take some time, and involve both of you being onboard
His understanding of the situation is very important for you both going forward, because him not knowing could be detrimental to you and/or him
The bacteria can be passed from vagina to penis, and penis to vagina, and can hang around particularly in men with foreskins and continued contact, so it can accidentally become a couple’s problem
Just because a man had contact with an imbalanced vagina does not mean he will get the bacteria – the bacteria don’t really like penises that much, but foreskins are a sweet hidey-hole
If you aren’t sure that you are all clear, and that he is also all clear, always use condoms!
Often men are the transmitters of bad vag, but they never get symptoms and can pass it from woman to woman – if you got BV or AV after first having unprotected sex with this person, they are likely a transmitter and need to read Killing BV’s Penis Treatment Guide. You can also ask him if he’s known about a history of this in his life before, but that is advanced relationship talk and can be a little uncomfortable to bring up. It can also bring resentment into the equation (or it may already be there) so be kind – nobody could foresee this would happen and nobody knew about it.
Explain how your vagina condition makes you feel, and how it affects your day-to-day life
Explain that medicine hasn’t managed to solve this problem yet, and doctors don’t have the answers you need, meaning you have to largely deal with it on your own and with the help of My Vagina and other online sources
Ask him to keep the information to himself, as it’s very private
Above all else, being informative, factual and clear is important – it’s a health problem, and shouldn’t be a source of shame for women (even though it frequently is).

Talking in code

Saying no to sex may need a codeword, so instead of feeling rejected, your partner understands that all is not well with your vagina and you have no need to explain further. You can also let your partner know when everything is feeling good, and that you are open to sex. That way there is no guessing.

Mixed messages are the enemy of a good relationship and good sex, even if it’s casual.

Do self-checks

There is also a risk that he may go down on you and find there is a problem with odour or taste that you weren’t aware of, so doing self-checks is key to feeling comfortable.

There is nothing worse than sending someone downstairs and worrying the whole time if your vagina is making them gag. That equals bad sex. You want the connection, but not the shame and fear.

To do a self-check for odour, with a clean, dry finger (no moisturisers or soap smells) insert a finger into your vagina, then sniff it. You can decide whether the odour is no good or not – it’s usually pretty obvious.

Do a clean-out

Hydrogen peroxide 6% (not 3%) may do a good job of clearing out your vagina for long enough to enjoy carefree sex, but condoms are essential so you don’t spread the bacteria to your partner or worse, get it back after successful treatment. Then you will have a bigger problem on your hands.

Oral sex

Oral sex should be ok if you don’t have symptoms, but keep in mind that mouths and vaginas are not that different in terms of both being mucous membranes. If you or your partner have bad breath or a history of dental or gum problems, do the mouth treatment.

Not saying anything at all

You don’t have to tell a partner that you have BV or AV if you are managing your symptoms as you pursue treatment, but you must use condoms to avoid the spread. Think of your fellow women who may end up with this man in future, having unprotected sex… and ending up in the same position as you.

Parting words

Leave every person you are with better than you found them! Educating your partners on the perils of rogue bacteria and sex is a meaningful addition to their lives. Don’t waste an opportunity to make the world a better place!