Something else? Ask Aunt Vadge – bottom left of your screen!
Dear Aunt Vadge,
Last night I ended up having sex with my not-yet-boyfriend. It was the first time we have romped together. Mind you, I am not a virgin, either, so what happened concerns me.
He started with his fingers in me, and I realized he went a little too hard. It did NOT feel good and I told him to stop. I went to the bathroom immediately and peed, and it burned! I noticed I was a little puffy as well, and then, to my surprise (well not really), I had bled a little bit.
Now I have noticed before with my ex-boyfriend, who I have not been with in over a year, this same thing happened with him.
Now I am worried I cannot have normal sex, I am 23 years old and I get very nervous I will end up hurt somehow and sometimes just try and skip over having sex.
What could be happening?
Yours,
Curious
Age 23, USA
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Dear Curious,
Thank you for your lovely letter. It is very clear what is going on here: inexperience on both your parts is creating a bad experience for you. On the bright side, there’s nothing wrong with you!
There are several solid steps you can take, requiring time, patience, and practice. But, you will get there.
First things first.
If sex (which includes fingers) hurts or causes bleeding, you’re doing it wrong. You, him, both of you together.
The solution is to make sure you are very turned on and lubricated before penetration, and that you are physically really enjoying the entire experience. I cannot overstate this. You must be legitimately excited and physically aroused, or the whole thing will hurt.
A vagina is designed to be lovingly made swollen and sopping wet before being penetrated (not swollen from damage and wet with blood!). Vaginas need to be ready for action in the exact same way as a penis – by becoming aroused. Then you can go in. But, gently. Never rough, never too hard.
Tips and tricks
- Look at the Vag Basics diagrams so you know what your anatomy looks like (and how big your clitoris really is!)
- How girls masturbate
- Learn about the female sexual response
- Sex 101
- Oral Sex
- Teach him what to do with his fingers – Fingering Basics
How to stop the damage from occurring
The only way to stop this unpleasant experience is to learn what gets you going. When you’re turned on, your vaginal tissues engorge with blood and protect you from damage by providing wetness and a ‘plump’ feeling.
Figuring out what makes you hot and wet takes experiments both with and without your lover. It sounds like he could use a bit of guidance, so maybe try some gentle sexscapades such as oral sex.
While you are learning about each other’s bodies, don’t dive into penetration right away. This extra playtime – foreplay – also increases your chances of orgasm to over 80 per cent (20 minutes of foreplay equals an 80 per cent chance of orgasm; less means just a 20 per cent chance).
Vaginas are not the same as penises
The trick to vaginas is cajoling, not forcing. Vaginas can be slower to full arousal than a penis, so don’t compare them! You are not built that way.
Allow and insist on at least 20 minutes of non-penetrative sex play (foreplay) before anything goes inside of you. If you do it too soon, you risk wasting your arousal sensitivity.
Once you and your guy have mastered making your vagina turned on fully, you will notice the difference right away.
Your body is set up to be fussy about who it lets inside you, which is why women are thought to be ‘tricky’ or ‘complicated’: we can be tricky if you treat us all the same because we’re all different!
Figuring out what turns you on is, therefore, a job that you must begin as soon as possible; otherwise, bad sex will be a preventable casualty of your life. Don’t let this happen to you!
Learning about your body takes time
Your job, sweet miss, is to learn how to get yourself off. This needs to happen by yourself. Pick a moment when you feel a little suacy and give yourself some privacy and play around to see what feels good – soft, firm, fast, slow, medium, a combination; do you prefer silky knickers and a pillow, or a dildo, or a small vibrator, or nipple-play, or what?
There is no magic formula, so you need to start the process of finding your own. This self-love exercise aims to discover what you like, so that when your lover touches you, you have something to say about it. Hopefully, a moan of pleasure!
With much kindness and best wishes,
Aunt Vadge
References1,2
- 1.Woods JL, Hensel DJ, Fortenberry JD. Gynecological Symptoms and Sexual Behaviors among Adolescent Women. Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology. Published online April 2010:93-95. doi:10.1016/j.jpag.2009.06.004
- 2.Forsyth S, Rogstad K. Sexual health issues in adolescents and young adults. Clinical Medicine. Published online October 2015:447-451. doi:10.7861/clinmedicine.15-5-447
