Aunt Vadge: post-sex and fingering blood and swelling

Dear Aunt Vadge,

Last night I ended up having sex with my not-yet-boyfriend. It was the first time we have romped together. Mind you, I am not a virgin, either, so what happened concerns me.

He started fingering me, and I realized he got a little rough and went too hard. It did NOT feel good and I told him to stop. I went to the bathroom immediately and peed, and it burned! I noticed I was a little puffy as well, and then, to my surprise (well not really), I had bled a little bit.

Now I have noticed before with my ex-boyfriend, who I have not been with in over a year, this same thing happened with him. I used to bleed sometimes if he got too rough.

Now I am worried I cannot have normal sex, I am 23 years old and I get very nervous I will end up hurt somehow and sometimes just try and skip over having sex.

What could be happening?

Yours,
Curiously Fingered

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Dear Curiously Fingered,

Thank you for your lovely letter. You seem to be having some kind of misunderstanding with a penis, or a finger or two.

First things first. If sex (which includes fingering) hurts or causes bleeding, you’re doing it wrong.

The solution to your problem of bleeding and swelling up after being fingered or sex is going to be making sure you are very hot and wet before you or a lover penetrates your vagina and that you are physically enjoying the entire experience. I cannot overstate this.

A vagina is designed to be lovingly made swollen and sopping wet before being penetrated (not swollen from damage and wet with blood), contrary to popular belief by women and men alike. Vaginas need to be coaxed into action, swollen with blood, juicy, ready to be entered.

There is not only a precise set of criteria required for this to occur, but a time limit too. The criteria are the will, a partner you are sexually attracted to and the right sort of stimulation. The time limit is the time it takes before the sexual activity becomes uncomfortable and ends up causing damage because it went on too long after the fun stopped.

The solution?

The only way to stop this bleeding and pain and the unpleasant experiences is to learn what makes you wet. Hot. Sexual. Your swollen vaginal tissues protect you from damage by offering a buffer of juice and plumped tissues.

Figuring out what makes you hot and wet takes experiments both with and without your lover. It sounds like he could use a bit of help, so maybe try some non-penetrative sexscapades such as oral sex. Gentle oral sex. Go slow and put yourselves in the roles of students, and don’t pretend you know what you’re doing all the time – the bleeding and pain suggests you are not sure.

While you are learning about each other’s bodies, don’t penetrate your vagina until you really, really want it. It then becomes his job to tease you by not giving it to you, and then you will have a hot, wet vag that will not bleed or hurt, and when he eventually fingers or penetrates you, you will be deeply impressed. Promise. This also increases your chances of orgasming to over 80 per cent (20 minutes of foreplay equals 80 per cent chance of orgasm; less means just a 20 per cent chance).

Vaginas are not the same as penises at all, ever

The trick to vaginas is to coaxing. Vaginas are often far slower to arousal than a penis so stop comparing them! You are not built that way. Allow and insist on at least 20 minutes of non-penetrative sex play (foreplay) before anything – penis, finger, hairbrush – goes inside of you. If you do it too soon, you risk wasting the nerves that are firing and making it boring.

Once you and your lover – boyfriend or not – have mastered making your vagina nice and slippery and swollen, proceed however you see fit, fingers and all.

Your body is set up to be fussy about who it lets inside you which is why women are thought to be tricky: we are tricky! Figuring out what turns you on is therefore a job that you must begin as soon as possible, otherwise bad sex will be the millstone around your neck like so many bloody tissues.

Learning about hot wet women

Your job, sweet miss, is to learn how to get yourself off and learn it good so you understand the meaning of a hot, wet woman. This needs to happen by yourself. Pick a moment when you feel a little dirty and give yourself some privacy and play around to see what feels good – soft, firm, fast, slow, medium, a combination; do you prefer silky knickers and a pillow, or a dildo, or a small vibrator, or nipple-play, or what?

There is no magic formula so you need to start the process of finding your own. It is kind of pointless to try this if you don’t feel a bit randy, as it can take forever and feel ridiculous, so make sure your timing is good.

The point of this self-love exercise is to find out what you like so that when your lover touches you, you have something to say on the matter. No matter what anyone says, men generally have zero clue what they are doing with a new partner (what worked on the last girl is very likely to not work on you). This means relying on them to get you off means you’ll be mopping up the blood and applying ice packs for your misadventures for some time to come.

Good sex is your responsibility, not his. Take the bull by the horns, girl!

If you need more help, ask us.

With great expectation of your sexual achievements and much kindness,
Aunt Vadge

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.