Aunt Vadge: two fingers or one?

Dear Aunt Vadge,

I would like some advice. 

My boyfriend is going to finger me, but I have never been fingered before nor do I use tampons. He says he is going to use 2 fingers and my friends say 2 is sore. I’m 14 and will be 15 in April.

He is very experienced with this sort of stuff and has fingered lots of  girls, while I don’t even finger myself. I’m scared my vagina will be damaged or something like that and that it will be too sore, but I don’t want to pull out as I trust him and I feel ready for this. Do I use lubricant or what? Please prepare me for this as I’m a bit scared.

Sincerely,
Concerned Girl

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Hi there Concerned Girl,
You are embarking on your first sexual adventures! This is a very exciting and scary time.

It is important that we address a few of things clearly from the outset.

1. Two fingers is too much for me most of the time, and I’ve been doing this for 20 years. I would advise against the use of two fingers, dear, until you are really ready and willing to be fingerbanged. You don’t even know what that means just yet, so save two fingers for later. Keep in mind that nothing bad will happen to you if he does use two fingers, but you might find it uncomfortable and yes he could cause some damage. It will heal. You won’t die. Promise.

2. Just because your boyfriend has put his fingers in other girls’ vaginas does not an expert maketh. He, my dear, has absolutely no clue what he is doing, which makes two of you. He is probably more frightened than you are. He may not know very much about the clitoris, since it is harder to find than your vaginal opening. He needs to get his priorities straight.

3. If you have never been penetrated by object or body part, you may still have an intact hymen, which may break and cause some pain and bleeding. This is normal but may be unpleasant.

Hymens are famous for not even existing by your age, but you won’t know until you try, so try. If it exists and is going to bust, you will deal with that when the time comes – if it is hurting you, stop. If your hymen has already gone, great, no problem. You need to be really turned on anyway, but we’ll get to that.

On fingering

It takes a lot of practice and instruction to finger a girl right, usually with repeated, high-quality sexual experiences with the same person. Everyone likes it a bit different.

Fingering is the one thing that guys hardly ever get right, so instead of ‘letting’ him just poke at you like he might a frog with a stick, make the experience yours by learning about your own body and what is going to make the experience worth getting undressed for.

Get him to read this guide on the basics of bringing a woman pleasure with his fingers for more information.

Being the passive recipient of a finger is at best boring, at worst painful and bloody, particularly afterward. Best-case scenario you find yourself having fun and at very, very best, have a very sexy experience. It is unlikely this fingering will be very sexy, since it is your first, so you may as well make it fun while preparing for an underwhelming experience.

How to make your first fingering less underwhelming

Make out lots. Touch his body if you feel like it and see what he likes. Make it an experience you have together, not an appointment you have made to be fingered by him.

You both have mixed feelings about this (scared and curious, yes, him too – ask him!) so make a joke about it and watch him melt with relief. Laugh about it, do lots of kissing and do just a little bit of very soft, slow investigating using fingers, or tongues, or just a bit of dry humping, definitely using lube – water or silicone-based is fine – and get him onto your clitoris, not into your vagina.

The problem with fingering by guys is they focus on poking at your hole with their stubby fingers, which just isn’t the way to do it. They need to get your clitoris involved, or being fingered by an overzealous teenage boy is worse than watching paint dry.

What are they hoping will happen? Will a genie pop out if they poke hard enough? They need help, and lots of it. They have no idea what they are supposed to be doing, so never, ever rely on him to know. He doesn’t. He is just copying a film he saw, or what another boy said, or what some girl said felt good.

Poking at a girl’s vagina is a pointless exercise unless the rest of her is on board, in particular her brain and her clitoris. Your main sexual anatomy is not your vagina, but your clitoris, which is large and deep, and pretty amazing. It’s like an iceberg.

He needs to start simple, so get going there after a good make-out session, and save the fingering for when it’s really needed.

What you also need to do, Concerned Girl, is finger yourself

Masturbate. Touch your vagina, when you feel a bit horny, in as many ways as you can invent – fast, slow, firm, soft, use the bed, pillows, objects, whatever – and learn how to operate your own body.

Teenage guys spend half their waking hours masturbating, so they know very well what they like early on – girls are much slower because our bodies are designed to be slow and fussy about sex, particularly as teenagers when you may be curious, but not particularly sexual (your teenage-boy sex drive will kick in later on). You have a long road ahead of you learning what triggers you need to have a satisfying orgasm, so it’s time to get started.

Any guy that comes near you will appreciate the hard work you have put in, because while there is nothing hotter than a girl who knows what she likes, our gentlemen callers simply don’t have a clue what to do with a real live girl with high expectations.

Your sexuality is your responsibility and only you can make sure it always feels good. This means any fingering needs to be directed by you, not the other way around, which means understanding your sex for yourself.

If you need more help, ask!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica Lloyd - Naturopathic Practitioner, BHSc(N)

Jessica is a degree-qualified naturopath (BHSc) specialising in vulvovaginal health and disease, based in Melbourne, Australia.

Jessica is the owner and lead naturopath of My Vagina, and is a member of the:

  • International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (ISSVD)
  • International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH)
  • National Vulvodynia Association (NVA) Australia
  • New Zealand Vulvovaginal Society (ANZVS)
  • Australian Traditional Medicine Society (ATMS)
Read more about Jessica and My Vagina's origin story.