Hey Aunt Vadge,
I started sleeping with this guy I met and, well, he had a kink I’m not really down for, CNC (consensual non-consent). So when we are having sex at all, if I get overwhelmed and tell him to stop, I can’t handle it, or it hurts, he just shushes me, chokes me and keeps going.
I told him to knock it off, but this last time, he fingered me, and it just felt like he was punching me.
What should I do?
Yours,
Did Not Consent
Age 24, USA
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Dear Did Not Consent,
It’s important to address your concerns clearly, as this situation involves serious issues regarding consent and personal safety.
Without beating around the bush (which he seems to be doing to you), my top advice is to block this loser and not put yourself in a position where he can take liberties with your body and call them a ‘kink’.
Being a good lover means being all about enthusiastic consent
So, he gets off on you not liking the sex? Gross. Find someone who loves it when their partners enjoy sex.
People spend lifetimes learning how to be attentive, responsible lovers, and this guy doesn’t give a sh*t about etiquette or even being remotely good-mannered. That’s not a kink; that’s bad sex. The kink community would be enraged that he was giving them a bad name.
He clearly has a problem understanding consent, which, with his actions, equates to also not understanding the law regarding sexual assault. He is selfish and careless and is showing you exactly who he is.
Being a bad lover – say no more and walk away
Get as far away from him as you can. You want to be with someone who listens to you when you give them feedback and cares if you enjoy sex. Make that a new ground rule.
At a very generous base level, if you’re not into CNC, he’s not your guy. He sounds like he’s only got one thing on his mind, and that’s got nothing to do with you – you just haven’t blocked him yet, like everyone who came before you (or didn’t come, probably, it sounds terrible!).
He is prioritising his own kink over you in every single way. It’s not just not ok, it’s illegal and is got a name: sexual assault and rape. Feeling like you’re being punched when you’re being fingered sounds absolutely horrible, but to say stop and him to keep going is simply criminal.
Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone, not just one person. Usually, if one person has a kink that a lover is helping fulfil, the kinky is having a different good time than the generous partner. Giving someone their sexual heart’s desire is meant to be joyful, a gift. It’s supposed to feel like a gift to the giver, not a punishment.
What you are doing is, as best you can, tolerating an assault without making a scene.
Make a f*cking scene.
You might consider the following practical steps.
Prioritise your safety
From what you describe, this behaviour crosses into non-consensual activity. Your safety is paramount. If you’re in a position where you feel unsafe or if interactions are occurring without your ongoing consent, it’s critical to remove yourself from the situation. When you’re able to, find a safe space away from him.
If you’re having trouble leaving a situation, you can make up something gross like that you have diarrhoea or are going to vomit. Hope his disgust reflex overrides his boner for sexual assault. Stay in the bathroom for ages, and try to take your phone. Call the police or a friend if you need to. Get out of there and get safely home.
Someone who has such a blatant disregard for your comfort and enjoyment, who gets off on making you feel bad, may have worse up their sleeve, so take precautions.
Clear communication is crucial
If you are still in contact and feel safe, communicate your concerns clearly without being in the same space as him.
Let him know that his actions are not acceptable and that they violate your boundaries and consent which isn’t just bad manners, it’s illegal. It’s crucial for both partners to respect each other’s boundaries in any relationship, casual or serious, and he has breached your trust.
End the interaction
Given the serious nature of your concerns, it might be best to end any further interactions with him. No sexual or romantic endeavour should involve feeling unsafe, ignored, or in pain.
Seek help and support
Talk to someone you trust about this situation. This can be a friend, family member, help phone line or a professional counsellor. They can offer support and advice.
If required, consider reaching out to support organisations that specialise in helping individuals who have experienced sexual assault or abuse. It might not feel this ‘dramatic’, but this is what has been happening to you, and it’s right for you not to feel ok about it.
In the USA, call 800.656. HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area to talk to and ask for advice or just to talk it over and see what you can do to stay safe.
It might be worth considering getting some help to understand how to put some boundaries in place to help prevent this from happening to you in future. Some people will take what they can get, and it’s our job to learn how to be firm about our ‘no’ while not getting ourselves into more trouble.
No guy is worth this pain and terrible sex. But learning how to say no safely and create boundaries can take time and a few hiccups, so don’t worry, you’re not broken – you just have a few new things to learn!
Legal considerations
Because what you’re describing can be considered sexual assault, it might be appropriate to consider legal action. Contacting organisations that offer legal advice in such matters can help clarify your options based on the specifics of your situation.
This is a highly personal and sensitive situation, and it’s important to proceed in a way that feels most appropriate and comfortable for you, keeping your safety and well-being as the top priority.
Importantly, stay away from this person. He isn’t at all well-equipped to have a good relationship at this time. He has been well and truly red-flagged.
Write anytime, and stay safe!
Love
Aunt Vadge
References1
- 1.Lathan EC, Koon-Magnin S, Selwyn CN, Isaak H, Langhinrichsen-Rohling J. Rape Myth Acceptance and Other Barriers to Formally Reporting Sexual Assault Among College Students With and Without Sexual Assault Histories. J Interpers Violence. Published online November 24, 2022:6773-6797. doi:10.1177/08862605221137703
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